


Kintsugi

by TooSel



Category: Suits (US TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Divorce, Fix-It, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Harvey's presence in NY gets explained, Healing, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Disordered Eating, Introspection, Jealousy, Love Confessions, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Reconciliation, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:53:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 61,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26235976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooSel/pseuds/TooSel
Summary: Kintsugi(jap. 金継ぎ, "golden joinery"): the art of mending broken pottery with gold, silver, or platinum, treating breakage and repair as part of the history of an object rather than something to reject and hide.Mike is back in town; alone, lost, and looking for something he hasn’t quite figured out himself. But time didn’t stand still in New York either. The firm he left behind isn’t the same he’s returning to, and what he’s expecting to find may not be what’s waiting for him. In the months gone by, Harvey has moved on, and Mike has to face the possibility that he might have come back too late.Can they mend what broke between them, or is the damage too big to repair this time?
Relationships: Harvey Specter/Original Male Character(s), Mike Ross/Harvey Specter
Comments: 72
Kudos: 104





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was supposed to be a fairly short and cracky 'Harvey has a boyfriend and Mike gets jealous' fic... that didn't quite work out. The tone of this story ended up being something very different than what I had in mind, but I feel like it is what it needed to be now. It was pretty enlightening for me to write this and connect certain things about Mike in particular in the process, which I'm sure were never intended by the author but finally made Mike's characterization and writing in the last few seasons make sense to me. 
> 
> Most of what I know about season 8 and 9 (apart from the finale, I actually did watch that) is based on gifs, episode summaries I read, and what people told me about it. If any details seem off, that's why. I also don't know if they ever clarified how much time passed since Mike and Rachel's wedding in canon, but this story assumes that season 8 and 9 span one year in total.

Harvey honestly thought they would last longer than this.

They were supposed to last longer than this, Donna and him. This is not how it’s supposed to go.

But this is how it goes.

They get together, and then they get married, and that should have been it, shouldn’t it? That’s what happens, that’s how these things work. You get married, and from then on it gets easier. You can sit back and relax, because it’s official now, it’s a sure thing, the two of you against the rest of the world, and you’ll never have to worry about being on your own ever again.

That’s what it’s supposed to be like.

So they get married, and they decide to move to Seattle, and it seems like such a great idea at the time, like the new beginning they need in order to leave behind the baggage from the past decade or two. And Mike and Rachel will be there, so how couldn’t it be a good idea?

Except they don’t think it through before they pack their things and leave.

Well, Harvey does. His side of things at least. For the first time in a long while, he can see the future clearly, and it doesn’t look all that bleak. He won’t be on his own, and Mike will be there, and they’ll get to do the work they both love together, as a team. He’ll do good work, even if he has to go down a few steps on the ladder. Junior partner isn’t so bad. Not at Mike’s firm. He has a clear idea of what his tasks will entail, what kind of cases he’ll do, how he’ll contribute to the daily workings and do his part in keeping them running.

He has a place at this new firm, and he knows what it is.

Donna doesn’t.

He hasn’t thought about it, because it honestly just didn’t cross his mind, but he has no idea how it didn’t cross _hers_.

Maybe she assumed she’d get to keep the position she had in New York. The one she’d gotten because everyone at the firm knew her, and because she sort of pressured him into giving it to her despite the fact that she wasn’t exactly qualified.

That would explain her poor reaction to finding out that other people aren’t inclined to do the same. Never mind the fact that the firm already has a COO – someone who has worked hard to get that position and is damn good at it, too – and they aren’t going to just fire them because Donna expects the same treatment she’s gotten before.

The vehemence she refuses to take on other work with surprises Harvey a little, considering that she was a secretary for well over a decade and always talked about how important that was, but going back down the ladder apparently isn’t in the realm of the possible for her, not after Faye, not anymore.

Fine. Another firm, then. Maybe something else entirely.

Except no, she doesn’t want to do that either.

She’s worked so hard. She deserves the job she had. She can’t go back to something lesser than what she’s earned over the years.

She’ll figure something out eventually, Harvey tells himself. And she does, only the conclusion she comes to is that it was a mistake to move to Seattle and they have to go back immediately.

It’s downhill from there.

It’s downhill, and fast, but not quite fast enough.

Donna refuses to stay in Seattle, so they don’t stay in Seattle.

Harvey tries to convince her to stay, but all he achieves is making her angry at him because he’s successful wherever they go, and how dare he try to make decisions about her career while his own is cut and dried no matter what, or something.

The fact that he’s gone from managing partner to junior partner is inconsequential, apparently.

He gives up quickly after that, because really, there isn’t much he could say. Rachel and Mike don’t get anywhere either, because they’re successful in Seattle too, so what do they know?

Donna won’t be persuaded, so they go back to New York. Back to the firm. Back to Harvey’s apartment, which he luckily hasn’t sold yet.

That should have been the end of it.

It’s alright, isn’t it? It doesn’t really matter. He’ll still get to do good work. He’ll still talk to Mike every once in a while, maybe visit now and then.

It’s alright.

It’s not, though.

It’s more a feeling than a conscious thought, but it’s taken root inside him, an infection that spread so far that he simply can’t look the other way anymore.

“I’m glad we came back. This was the right choice,” Donna says after their first day at the office once he's finally found a way around Faye, a non-negotiable fact because she thinks so, so it must be true, and Harvey would laugh if the sound didn’t stick in his throat so painfully.

Harvey didn’t particularly want to come back. In fact, he didn’t want to come back at all, not after finally having seen a future that didn’t make his stomach sink when he thought about it, but he did it to make her happy, because that’s what you’re supposed to do in a marriage, isn’t it?

His future is supposed to be with her, so Harvey looks the other way, except it’s so much harder this time, it’s damn near impossible, and as he listens to her go on and on about how this was the right thing to do, he realizes that maybe this means he shouldn’t.

Harvey didn’t want to come back. She expected him to do it anyway, and she never once asked how he felt about it, and he didn’t once tell her because she was already upset enough, and he always, always looked the other way, but not this time. Not anymore.

It’s almost funny how fast the foundation they built their relationship on crumbles once he refuses to carry it on his back any longer. How did he ever think this was something solid? How did he ever think it would last?

They fight. They fight badly, about ridiculous things, about massive things, about everything, and they only stop because they get tired, not because they worked anything out.

Nothing gets resolved. Nothing ever gets resolved between them, they always carry it around with them for years and decades to come, never saying what they really mean, and Harvey is tired of it. Harvey is just… done.

This isn’t how he wants to live his life. He _can’t_ live his life like this, and he’s done pretending that it’s any different.

It’s done. It’s over.

And now they’re sitting here at the dinner table, two weeks after coming back, half the boxes with their belongings still untouched around them, and all Harvey can think is that he expected them to last longer.

There are probably a hundred things he should be feeling right now, but he doesn’t, not yet. He’s numb to all of it, only thinks about how much time it’ll save them that they never got around to unpacking, about how utterly wrong all of this is, about how nothing he does ever means anything in the end as they stare each other down like they’re in a fight, like either of them could come out of this as a winner.

Donna might be about to hit him, or break something, or scream her heart out once the echo of his words between them dies down; it’s hard to tell. He stopped pretending to understand her a while ago. He never really did anyway.

_Why are we holding on to something that’s so obviously hurting us, Donna?_

He didn’t know he was going to say it. He didn’t plan on it until things were already in motion, didn’t think that out of the two of them, he would be the one to say it.

It feels significant somehow, that it was him. In ways he can’t begin to understand, only knows to be true on a visceral level.

“You can’t mean that,” she says eventually, and he wishes he didn’t, but he wishes even more that she would just stop telling him what he can and can’t do.

“I do.”

It’s about to get ugly, he knows that. This is only the beginning, this is what he’ll look back on and wish he’d appreciated more, because what comes next is the ugliest damn thing he never wanted to go through.

“You’re breaking up with me? You- I lived my _life_ for you, Harvey. My whole life, it was always about you, and _this_ is how you repay me?”

And that’s just it, isn’t it? She can raise her voice, she can yell at him all she likes, it doesn’t change the fact that they have a fundamentally different idea of what a relationship needs to be based on.

“I shouldn’t _have_ to repay you. I never asked of you what you did for me, Donna. The choices you made, I may have benefited from them, but they were still yours to make. Look, I… I’m sorry you feel this way, I am. But you have to take responsibility for your own decisions.”

Donna’s lips tremble. She swallows compulsively, staring at him like she’s deciding which punishment is suited best for his crimes, and he awaits his verdict quietly.

_More than anyone, she gets me._

Maybe he was wrong about a thing or two. Maybe he was wrong about a whole lot of things.

His verdict doesn’t come. Nothing comes. They have nothing to say to each other, after all those years. Not a single thing that could save this somehow, that could make this any better.

Clenching her jaw, Donna pushes her chair back and gets up. She grabs her purse, puts on her shoes, and walks out without another word.

The door shuts with a bang, and Harvey is alone in his apartment.

He’s alone. That’s what he is now, isn’t it? That’s all he is. Alone.

Everyone he loves is gone. They left him, or he drove them away despite his best intentions. Story of his goddamn life.

 _Without you, I’m empty_.

He really thought Donna was it for him. He wanted her to be. After everyone else had gone, after how long she’d stayed by his side, it should have been her. She should have been it.

She wasn’t. And now she’s gone, and he’s empty again.

This is every nightmare he’s ever had come to life. This is his worst fear. This is everything he never wanted.

Harvey never, ever wanted this.

He thought anything was better than being on his own. He thought Donna was the one, because it had to be someone, didn’t it? But maybe he needs to stop thinking about what things should be like and learn to accept them as they are. That’s what gets you in the end, isn’t it? The image in your head of what it’s supposed to be like.

It was never like that for Harvey anyway. It’s never going to be like that for him, and maybe he just has to live with that.

So now he’s alone. Now it’s just him, because Donna is gone and Mike is in Seattle and everyone else has long moved on. So maybe there’s no one to turn to, no one to catch him. So maybe he can’t breathe properly right now and the room is spinning around him. Maybe he’s in free fall, and he can’t see the ground of this godforsaken, bottomless pit in which he’s totally and utterly deserted.

Okay. Alright.

He’s falling. But he hasn’t hit the ground yet. Hasn’t shattered into a million pieces.

This is his worst nightmare, and fighting off this panic attack may cost him everything he has left, but he’s still breathing. He’s still breathing, and the earth is still turning, and this is nothing he ever wanted, but it’s not going to kill him either.

He’s in free fall, and he can’t see the ground of this bottomless pit, but at least he put _himself_ there.

That shouldn’t be a source of comfort. That’s nothing that should make him feel better.

It does, though. It’s a small consolation, but it is one. It’s a start, something to hold on to while everything else drifts away, and he won’t say he isn’t hurting, but he’s hurting in the right way for the first time in what feels like forever, and that makes the obliterating pain a little easier to bear.

This is his doing, his choice. This is him, reclaiming the agency he didn’t even realize he’d lost.

When did every one of his life decisions start depending on how it would affect other people? When did he stop putting his own needs first? When did that turn into a bad thing?

Looking after people isn’t bad, caring about them. It’s a good thing. Mike would agree, or he would have agreed at some point, and Harvey started believing it too, started acting accordingly.

He thought he was doing good. He just wanted to do right by those he loves.

Except he failed. Except he ended up making disastrous choices, like getting married because that’s what he was supposed to do, like moving to Seattle with a plan for himself, having it all figured out, looking forward to it, only to leave it all behind again when his soon-to-be ex-wife decided it wasn’t for her after all.

A compromise, he told himself. That’s what it was. That’s what you’re supposed to do in relationships, isn’t it?

Except it wasn’t a compromise, it was a sacrifice, and it wasn’t the first one, and it was always him who made it, time and time again.

Harvey Specter, a bootlicker.

Who would have thought?

He’s not mad at Donna for how things turned out. Maybe he should be, but he’s not. He doesn’t have the capacity to hold that kind of resentment right now.

Above all else, Harvey is tired. And Donna is Donna, and that’s just who she is, who she always has been, and he’s the one who went along with it, so he doesn’t have a leg to stand on.

He doesn’t have much of anything, right now.

It’s terrifying. Losing-the-ground-beneath-his-feet, questioning-every-choice-he-ever-made, regretting-his-very-birth kind of terrifying.

There’s liberty in that too.

It’s just him now, standing on ground zero, already facing the worst thing he could ever have imagined. Whatever happens now, it’s all the same to him. It can’t get worse than this.

Not the kind of liberation he was hoping for, but he’ll take what he can get at this point.

It doesn’t matter what he does next. It never mattered, not when it led him here, but it sure as hell doesn’t now, so he might as well do whatever the hell he wants.

And right now, he wants a drink.

He can’t stay in this apartment. Too many memories, too much history. He needs fresh air, a change of scenery, to get out of his own head for a while, to just breathe and stop thinking.

Harvey leaves without a look back.

His legs are unsteady, the walls around him still moving, but his feet carry him downstairs without failing him, into the bustling of the city that greets him when he steps outside.

Down here, the world continues turning.

Harvey’s pain and solitude engulfed him up there, but right now he’s down below, and there are people here, there’s life, and it’s not over for him, not yet. He’s part of this. His palms are sweating, his heart’s beating, and he’s not convinced he isn’t going to have a panic attack after all, but he isn’t having one right now, and that’s what he chooses to focus on.

The outside world swallows him up, and he lets it, welcomes it; the traffic noises, the voices around him, the smell of coffee from the shop nearby.

Letting it wash over him, inhaling the familiar scent of the city, he stops and takes it all in for a while before he turns left at random and starts walking.

In the city he’s called home for the better part of his life, the city that has given and taken so much from him, that built him, Harvey just walks. His feet carry him nowhere in particular, but it doesn’t matter where he goes, because nothing matters anymore.

Harvey just breathes. He breathes until the nausea in his stomach ebbs away, until his chest doesn’t feel as tight anymore, until he stops feeling like the slightest blow might shatter him.

He just breathes.

He ends up at a bar at some point.

It catches his eye for no reason other than that it isn’t overcrowded, and so he heads inside, taking one of the free spots at the counter. He’s never been here before, which suits him just fine. Less of a chance of running into anyone he knows.

“Macallan 18.”

The bartender nods, as disinterested in making conversation as he is, and puts a glass before him.

Picking it up, Harvey downs half of it before remembering to savor it. That’s been happening to him a lot, lately.

The familiar burn along his throat is a welcome sensation, but it doesn’t last long.

It’s less satisfying than he hoped it would be.

Reminding himself to slow down, he takes one more sip, letting it unfold on his tongue as he sets the glass down and watches the surface even out until it stills.

“Can you recommend that?”

Harvey noticed someone next to him, but only looks up at the question, giving him a cursory glance.

“Depends on what you’re looking for. I like it,” he adds when the guy lifts an eyebrow. “But it’s strong.”

“Hm. Alright, I’ll give it a shot.”

Harvey returns his attention to his glass, because he doesn’t really care what this man is doing or not.

It’s a small space though, and he can’t help but notice his reaction upon receiving his order.

Taking the first sip, he makes a comical sound in the back of his throat, something between choking and a gulp as he sets his glass down.

“Okay, yeah. It’s strong. Bit too strong for my taste.”

Harvey glances up, the grimace on his face almost enough to elicit a smile from him. He’s blinking, dazed, his nose wrinkling in a childlike way.

“Told you. It depends on what you’re looking for.”

“I don’t know what I’m looking for, if I’m honest. I’m not much of a drinker, and I tend to get whatever my company’s having because I have no idea what’s good.” He swirls his whiskey around, peering into it doubtfully. “This is really what _you’re_ looking for?”

Harvey’s lips curl up in what isn’t quite a smile.

“The stronger, the better.”

The man hums.

“At least I know what _not_ to order next time,” he then says.

“I find it hard to believe you’ve never gotten a single drink that you enjoyed. Why don’t you just stick to that? Nothing wrong with going back to the same thing if it works for you.”

Harvey doesn’t know why he’s still talking to him, why he didn’t use the opportunity to let the conversation die down and get drunk here in peace.

“I’m guessing this is your standard drink then?”

Harvey lifts it to his lips.

“Why change a running system?” Taking a generous gulp, he shrugs. “Something familiar to fall back on isn’t the worst thing in the world.”

Sometimes it’s all there is.

The guy turns to face him, tilting his head.

“But maybe I want to try something new every once in a while.”

Right. That’s what you do, isn’t it?

“Yeah,” Harvey mutters. “I get that.”

He looks up when he pushes the almost untouched whiskey towards him, the corner of his mouth lifting. “You want this? I’m not gonna drink it.”

Might as well.

“Pick something else then,” Harvey says before he can really think about it, because surprisingly enough, he doesn’t mind the company. Not this one, at least. “It’s on me.”

He can always tell him to get lost when he starts annoying him. Or move on to another bar. As long as he gets more alcohol out of this, he doesn’t really care about the details.

Settling on a martini, the guy places his order before he says, “I’m Charlie, by the way.”

“Harvey,” he tells him after only a slight hesitation.

“Harvey,” he repeats, smiling. He likes the way it sounds on his lips. “Nice to meet you.”

Wordlessly, Harvey nods and raises his glass in acknowledgement.

Charlie watches him finish the rest of his first drink, then asks lightly, “So, do you want to talk about what’s wrong?”

_No._

_I really, really don’t._

_What’s it to you?_

_Mind your own damn business and leave me to wallow in my misery._

He doesn’t say any of it.

He turns to regard Charlie, who looks patient, attentive, who doesn’t look like he’s hoping to be entertained, like he’s going to judge him.

He just waits, leaving it to him whether or not he takes him up on the offer. He looks kind.

Harvey could use a little kindness in his life right now.

Where to begin, though? It’s impossible to tell the whole story, not least because he himself isn’t sure where it begins, and his lips curl into a humorless smile when he eventually settles on, “I lost my way.”

Charlie accepts that quietly.

“I’m sorry to hear that.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

Raising his abandoned drink to his lips, Harvey empties it almost in one go, wincing when he sets it down. It’s a poor choice of sedative, this. He keeps coming back to it, but it doesn’t really help at all.

Charlie watches him drink too much too fast in silence. He doesn’t comment.

“Maybe I can help you find it again.”

Harvey huffs, shaking his head with a dry smile.

“I doubt it.”

Charlie isn’t offended, which Harvey finds himself glad about for some reason.

“You’re not even gonna let me try?” is all he asks.

Tapping his finger against the glass, Harvey looks at him. Really looks at him.

He’s an attractive man, all things considered.

Everything about him is soft, approachable. He has tender features, the lines on his face only enhancing them, the big brown eyes and the button nose. The curve of his full lips is welcoming, inviting, making him wonder what they might feel like against his own, but it’s his expression that really does it for him.

He’s an attractive man. Not just that; Harvey is attracted to him.

He can’t remember the last time he allowed himself to think something like that about another guy.

Despite how rarely he acted on it, Harvey has always known that he’s bi. He may not always have had a word for it, but he knew from the get-go that what someone had between their legs didn’t really make a difference to him.

He had his fair share of experiences during his college years, but it just so happened that the handful of people he dated were all women, and if people assumed he was straight because of that, he never bothered to correct them.

It was easier that way. He hates to say it, hates that it’s true, but it was, it was easier. He figured he’d come out if the situation arose, but it was never relevant, not until he met Mike, and after that-

Well, _is_ there an after that?

It all got so complicated. It all got so goddamn messy, and Harvey had enough on his plate already, he had so much to deal with, and if he chose the easier option more often than not, if he stopped paying attention to that side of him, if he gave everything to the part of him that loves Donna, desperately trying to let it be enough, to let it be in the right way, can anyone really blame him for that?

Not that it makes even the slightest difference. That was then, and this is now, and sitting next to this attractive, easygoing, kind man, Harvey can’t find a single reason as to why he should keep up the façade, keep looking the other way and deny himself what he wants.

Ground zero. Nothing goddamn matters, and he can do whatever he wants, and right now, he wants this guy.

Why not? It doesn’t have to lead to anything. What’s the harm in indulging himself, in doing what he feels like for a change?

He almost laughs, because Mike was right. He did lose his way. Not in the way he meant it, he doesn’t think, but he still changed, and not for the better. He warped his morals, neglected his needs, put others first and ended up losing himself in the process.

He needs a clean slate. He needs to find himself again. Starting with doing what _he_ wants, when he wants it.

Starting with this guy.

Starting with Charlie.

“You know what? Buy me a drink, and we’ll see where it goes.”

Charlie’s eyes crinkle as he smiles, and there’s a warmth unfolding in Harvey’s stomach that might be the alcohol, or it might be something else entirely.

He buys him a drink, and Harvey talks.

He talks a lot. A lot more than he expected, than he thought he had to say.

One drink turns into two, turns into three, and at some point Harvey finds that Charlie achieved what the alcohol didn’t, what he came here for in the first place.

He made it go quiet. The hole inside him is still where it was; numb, not removed, but numb he can deal with. He’ll take numb over aching any day. When he distracts himself enough, it’s almost like it’s not there at all.

Charlie is a good distraction. Charlie is the best distraction he can think of.

He appreciates his company for what it is, doesn’t expect anything Harvey isn’t willing to give. He shows interest without cornering him, touches him without demanding anything, just to show him that he wants to. He listens, he talks, he laughs.

He doesn’t leave Harvey alone.

“How do you feel about getting out of here?”

He knew it was coming. This was always what was waiting for him at the end of the night, a simple question, a choice for him to make.

He also knows that he could say no. He could decline and suggest another time, or he could go back home by himself and never talk to him again, and Charlie wouldn’t hold it against him, wouldn’t even be mad.

He can tell that their conversation wasn’t just a means to an end for him. Even if they don’t go home together, he’s not going to count that as a failure.

If Harvey hadn’t already made up his mind, that would have done it for him.

Maybe he’s taken too long to respond, because Charlie says, “Hey, no pressure, okay? However you want to let this night end, I’m open to it. If you just wanna talk, that’s fine. We’ll see where it goes, right?”

Harvey is pretty sure he knows where it’s going. And he wasn’t looking for this when he came here, didn’t expect to go home with someone today, but he realizes now that this is exactly what he needs, what he _wants_.

He craves human connection, whether it’s emotional or physical, and if he can have both, why would he say no to that? If he can have someone to keep him company, to show him that he’s not alone after all, even if it’s just for the night?

Maybe it’ll remind him of what he failed to pay attention to lately. Maybe it’ll help him forget. Either way, he’ll be in good company tonight, so both options work for him.

“I don’t want to talk,” he announces, putting his empty glass down. “At least not the whole time.”

Charlie cracks a smile. It’s a good look on him. It’s something Harvey would like to see again, if it came to it.

“Works for me.”

“Great. Where do you live?”

Charlie tilts his head, rising from his chair with a smile. “I’ll show you the way.”

*

_Ten months later_

It never made sense to Mike how a city like New York could have an airport like JFK. The first time he set foot here was a disillusionment he’s never going to forget, somehow having grown up with the image in his head that this was an upscale place, that one of the city’s windows to the world was more welcoming than this.

The fact that it’s located in the shabbiest area of Queens should have been a clue. And it looks like it too; dirty, rundown, and overall unpleasant to be stuck in.

He never thought he’d be happy to be here one day, to stand in one of the shittiest parts of the city and feel good about it.

Well, maybe that’s too strong a word.

Mike isn’t exactly happy to be here. He isn’t exactly happy to be here by himself, while Rachel is still in Seattle and he pretty much doesn’t have the first idea what his life is going to look like tomorrow.

Then again, he hasn’t been happy in a long time. Nothing out of the ordinary there.

He’s relieved, though. Maybe that’s the word he’s looking for. He’s relieved that his disaster of a marriage is in the past now. He’s relieved that he won’t have to work for Andy anymore. He’s relieved that he got out of there, and maybe even that he’s back here now, who knows.

To be fair, he did struggle against it. But in the end he had to accept the unforgiving truth that he was clinging to something that was long gone, if it had ever been there at all.

Fine, then. So he isn’t going to start a family with Rachel. Maybe he isn’t going to start one at all. Maybe Seattle didn’t work out how he wanted it to.

It doesn’t _really_ matter to him.

It’s just that Mike kind of thought they’d last longer than this. After all this time, all the shit they had to go through, getting married was supposed to be the end goal, and then they didn’t even make it through the first two years. It’s the seventh that’s supposed to do you in, or at least that’s what people say, but here he is, back in New York, twenty-two months after their wedding and having nothing to show for their troubles.

They spent years of their life trying to make it work, and it’s taken them this long to realize that trying isn’t the same as actually doing it.

They aren’t the same people now they used to be either. Maybe if they were, they could have figured it out. But that’s not how it works, is it? That isn’t life. Things change, and so do people, and yeah, maybe Mike changed too, but it’s not like he’s the only one. Nothing ever stays the same.

Rachel holds that against him, he knows. She made that very clear.

At least they parted on semi-good terms. Better terms than they were on in the months beforehand, which he supposes is a victory.

So now he’s here, by himself, back where he started out. And that sure as hell isn’t how he wanted that whole endeavor to end, but it is a relief not to have to pretend anymore.

So Seattle didn’t work out. But there’s always New York.

That, at least, is still the same.

There’s the firm, and there’s Louis and Donna and everyone, and there’s Harvey, who’s going to welcome him back no matter what, and that’s… nice.

He had a good run here. Back to his roots it is.

It doesn’t feel as much like admitting defeat as he thought it would, even though there’s an element of inevitability to it. It’s good to be back.

It’s really good, actually.

He takes a taxi to his old apartment on a hunch, not really having a plan B in case Harvey decided to give it up after all, but he supposes a hotel will do for a few nights. Or Harvey’s guestroom. Might as well go see him right now.

As it turns out, a plan B isn’t necessary. His apartment is still deserted, everything as he left it the last time he slept here, just a little dustier. Harvey hasn’t been here then, making sure everything is in order, hiring someone to clean up every once in a while.

Not that Mike expected him to. Right now, he’s grateful that he kept this place at all.

He didn’t bring much of his stuff from Seattle, just enough to fill two suitcases. He might go back for the rest one day, or ask Rachel to ship it to him, or just leave it there. He doesn’t really care all that much.

First things first. Rolling up his sleeves, Mike grabs a bucket and the cleaning supplies they left under the sink and gets his hands dirty. It feels unexpectedly good to scrub the whole place clean, to get rid of the dust and dirt of the past few months and not worry about anything else for a while.

Once he’s content with the cleanliness of the place, he gets down to unpacking, only stopping to look at the time when he’s put the last of his clothes away and realizes that it’s gotten dark around him.

Stocking the fridge is the next thing on his to-do list, but the stores are about to close, and he isn’t in the mood to hurry.

Tomorrow, then. He’ll just grab something to eat nearby if he gets hungry, skip the shopping, and move on to the next item on his agenda.

See Harvey.

He didn’t plan on doing that right away, but now that he’s already done with the apartment and he’s got nothing else on, why not?

It’s a Tuesday night. Donna and Harvey might be out, but he doubts it. He could surprise them, see if they’re free, and if they aren’t, or they’re not home, he can just go back and try again tomorrow. It’s not like he has much else to do right now.

Deciding to give it a shot, he’s already out of his apartment and around the corner before he stops short, realizing that he doesn’t actually know where they live.

He assumes they’ll be at Harvey’s old condo, but they never talked about it after their short-lived move to Seattle.

They haven’t talked much about anything in the past year, actually. Nor the one before, save for the few times they actually saw each other. After they returned to New York, Mike figured they were busy getting their lives back on track. He and Rachel were busy figuring out a whole bunch of stuff too – not that it got them anywhere – and the weeks turned into months, and they hardly ever reached out.

Harvey called once or twice, but less so than he used to before, and Mike never picked up the phone either, save for the occasional text that didn’t reveal much of anything.

If he’s honest, he kind of avoided talking to him from a certain point onward. Because Harvey would have asked about his life, about how things are going, about Rachel, and he didn’t want to talk about any of that. He didn’t want to have to admit that everything was going to shit, not after how much he gave up to get there.

Maybe it would have been different if Harvey had stayed in Seattle, if he’d been there to witness Rachel and him fall apart firsthand, but, well. He wasn’t.

That’s the nice thing about them though. No matter how much time passed, no matter what else is going on, Mike always knows that he can fall back on Harvey if it comes to it. Even if everything else goes to hell, that’s the one constant he can count on in his life.

He’ll try the condo first, figure out what to do from there if need be.

The doorman recognizes him at once and lets him up without calling ahead, which tells him everything he needs to know. Mike wonders if he has instructions to do so, should he ever show up here, or if he just assumes it’s fine because it’s him and this is what they’ve always done, how it’s always been.

The thought almost makes him smile.

It really does feel like old times when he walks down the hall and knocks on the familiar door, not having to wait long before Harvey opens up.

“Did you forget anyth- Mike?”

Surprise flickers across his face, quickly followed by something that looks like apprehension, but that might just be a trick of the light, gone in the blink of an eye. His following smile speaks of genuine joy, and something inside Mike settles at the sight.

“This is unexpected.”

“In a good way, I hope?”

“Unless you’re here to pick a fight again, it’s always good when you show up.”

Mike huffs. “I think those days are behind us.”

He waits, but when Harvey just looks at him, he lifts his eyebrows. “Can I come in?”

“Right. Of course.” Stepping aside, he lets him in, and Mike looks around as he goes through to the living room.

Things have changed around here. Of course they have, since Harvey moved out and then back in since the last time he visited, but it’s not just that the furniture has moved around and, in some cases, got exchanged for new pieces.

There’s stuff lying around. Décor pushed aside to make space for a stack of files, a book someone pulled out and never put back on the shelf, a charging cable that’s been left out rather than packed away. Little sticky notes on the fridge, pens scattered everywhere, a few dishes on the kitchen counter that no one’s put away yet.

It’s like Harvey stopped caring about keeping up the façade of impenetrable perfectionism. He isn’t trying so hard anymore. This isn’t the front page of a broker’s magazine any longer; this place is a home, it’s lived in, and it shows.

Must be Donna’s influence on him. Mike has never known her to be untidy either, but he knows firsthand that the domestic life can have that effect.

There are two used glasses and plates in the sink, but the condo is silent save for a soft tune playing in the background – Charles Bradley? Hard to tell with the low volume – and the sound of their footsteps.

“Are you alone?”

Harvey’s eyes flicker to his before he sits down, signaling him to do the same.

“Yes.”

Mike makes an acknowledging noise.

Fine by him. He’ll get to talk to Donna soon enough. It’s not her he really came for, anyway.

“I see you’ve been letting yourself go,” he says into the quiet before it can grow into an actual silence. Harvey doesn’t seem inclined to get the conversation going tonight.

At his raised eyebrows, he nods towards the room. “I remember a time when this place looked like a museum. Touching strictly prohibited and all that. It wouldn’t hurt to tidy up every once in a while, you know.”

In all honesty, he actually prefers this over the impersonal cleanliness he used to insist on, but this is what they do. This is how they talk to each other.

That hasn’t changed, has it?

Harvey leans back, giving him a dry look. “So you did come here to pick a fight.”

He’s attentive, watchful, but his shoulders are relaxed, and Mike finds himself untensing as well.

No, this is how they talk to each other. Nothing has changed.

“I can’t help it if you’re just so easy to make fun of.”

“Charming. Remind me why I used to keep you around?”

“Because I did at least fifty percent of the work you were supposed to be doing on top of my own without ever ratting you out?”

“Yeah.” Harvey laughs softly. “That must have been it.”

They look at each other, smiling. Mike fidgets with his hands and then stops when he becomes aware of it.

“Do you want a drink?” Harvey suddenly asks, like he only just remembered to offer.

“I’ll pass, but thanks. Not on an empty stomach.”

“Wanna order something, then?”

“You’ve eaten, haven’t you?” Mike asks with a glance at the sink.

“We can still get something for you. I don’t mind.”

“It’s fine. I’m not all that hungry.”

Harvey gives him a disbelieving look, which almost makes Mike huff, but doesn’t comment. Instead, he folds his hands together and regards him quietly, waiting.

“What are you doing here?”

Where does he even start?

It’s a long story, and not one he particularly cares to get into, but there’s no way around it.

“I got lost,” he begins, promptly stopping short. Not what he thought he’d say, but alright. He supposes he did get lost. Quite a bit, actually.

Funny, isn’t it? How he accused Harvey of just that, and now he’s sitting here admitting to the exact same thing?

Funny.

Harvey doesn’t laugh. Harvey doesn’t bring it up either. He just listens patiently.

“All the way to New York City?” he asks.

“No, all the way to Seattle, I think.” Mike sighs. “Look, I don’t really know what to tell you. It just… went wrong. Starting a new life didn’t really work out the way I wanted it to. I think I’d rather have my old one back.”

Harvey furrows his brow. “Went wrong how?”

“In just about every way you can imagine. Long story short: Rachel and I are over, I quit my job, and I’m moving back to New York.”

Harvey sits back, his eyebrows lifted. “You’re staying?”

Mike shrugs. “Don’t really have anywhere else to be. At least I have some emotional ties to this place, unlike to Seattle.”

Harvey takes that in quietly, blinking a few times before he shakes his head, frowning.

“I’m sorry things went south. I had no idea. What happened with Rachel?”

“Nothing happened per se. We just didn’t work out. We weren’t on the same page anymore, and the longer we fought about all those things, the clearer it got that maybe we never were. The stuff that came up was from ages ago, Harvey. You wouldn’t believe it.”

There’s no need to go into the specifics; no need to tell him that they fought about him too, about Rachel wanting to give Harvey up to Gibbs, about Mike going back for that stupid case, about how much time he spent working on it rather than being the perfect husband.

No, let him believe it was about Logan Sanders and how Rachel chose Columbia because of him, which she apparently regrets.

It’s not a lie, just not exactly the whole truth either.

Harvey grimaces.

“Shit, Mike. I’m sorry.”

He sounds like it too. He sounds more sorry than Mike feels.

“Yeah, I’m… me too, but it’s fine, you know? We hadn’t been happy for a while before we decided to end things. I guess part of me already made peace with it.” He lifts his shoulders. “It’s fine. Not the first time I’m starting over.”

Harvey hums. “And you’re sure you want to do that in New York?”

“What, are you that eager to get rid of me again?”

“No. I just want to make sure I don’t get my hopes up, only for you to decide you’d rather be somewhere else again after all.”

“Like you did when you moved to Seattle for all of two weeks, you mean?”

Harvey’s jaw clenches, and Mike holds up a hand, shaking his head.

“That was different, I know. But I am certain, to answer your question. Not that I know what I’ll be doing here yet, but I’m sure something will come up. For now, this is where I wanna be, so this is where I’ll stay.”

“Right.” Harvey taps his fingers against his armchair, raising his eyebrows when he doesn’t say more. “Well, are you going to ask for your job back now?”

“I mean, I kinda expected you to just give it to me, but if you want me to get on my knees…”

He says it in jest, but it’s true. If he’s honest, he’s surprised Harvey hasn’t tried to lure him back already.

He still doesn’t now. Instead, he just looks at him, the lines on his forehead more pronounced with his frown.

“You’ll have to understand that things aren’t the same at the firm as they used to be. A lot has changed, as it should have. Samantha is still there, and she’s not going anywhere, so you two would need to put aside whatever resentment you still have from- last time.”

He pinches his lips, taking a deep breath.

“If I’m really gonna bring you back, I need to know that you’re not going to pick any fights just for the sake of it. We have a way of doing things, because we had to work damn hard to get what we’ve got now. No more shady, illegal wins just for the sake of winning, you got that? We win fair and square, or we don’t win at all. Those are the rules, and everyone who works for us is expected to follow them. If you can guarantee me that you’re going to honor that, then we can talk about bringing you back.”

Frowning, Mike sits back. Then they can talk about it, huh? That’s a bit more of a pushback than he expected. If he didn’t know better, he’d say that Harvey is reluctant to welcome him back to the firm. Why, because he bent the rules a little last time?

“I’m not a dirty lawyer, Harvey.”

“I know that. But the last time we worked together, you sure as hell acted like one.”

“That was different.”

“How?”

Mike lets out a frustrated breath, shaking his head impatiently.

“Look, that’s- I don’t have a problem with following the rules. I’m in _favor_ of following the rules, remember?”

“Yeah,” Harvey says quietly, but his frown persists.

“Okay, so what do you want me to say? I’ll play nice with Samantha. I’ll be the most obedient senior partner this firm has ever had. I’d tell you I’ll do good work and bring in a shitton of money, but you already know that.”

“Senior partner?” Harvey asks dryly.

“Well, if you’re offering…”

Harvey huffs. He looks away, biting his lip, then turns back to him with a level look, tilting his chin up.

“You’re coming back as junior partner. Same quota of pro bono work as before. Show me how nice you can play and I’ll make you senior partner within a year.”

That’s more than fine by him. Furthering his career was never his main goal.

“It’s a deal. Am I getting my office back too?”

“Absolutely not. You can start out in the bullpen where you belong.”

“Okay, you know what? Maybe I’ll look for another job after all.”

Harvey laughs a little, his smile softening as he regards him. “Your office belongs to someone else now,” he says. “I’m not gonna take it away from them. But I’ll see what we can do about getting you a new one.”

Mike nods, smiles too, marvels at the weight on his shoulders that just lifted, that he didn’t even realize was there.

He can come back. He’s not drifting aimlessly anymore, he’s coming back. Back to the firm. Back to working with Harvey.

Something stirs in his stomach, a thrill of anticipation that he hasn’t felt in a long time, not like this.

It’s nice.

“I should hope so,” he tells Harvey, and when he nods, he knows that he understood what he meant perfectly.

“And just so we’re clear, I don’t want you to be obedient. I just want you to be yourself. That’s all I’m asking.”

Like he wasn’t himself the last time they worked together?

“Well, you know me. I’m nothing if not nice.”

They both smile, then look away. Harvey taps his armrest again. Mike wishes he had a drink after all.

“Come on. Let’s order you something to eat,” Harvey breaks the quiet, rising from his seat to fetch the menus Mike knows he keeps in the left drawer beneath the kitchen counter. Unless he changed that too.

For lack of better things to do, he trails after him into the kitchen where they’ve stood countless times, arguing over what to get for dinner while working one case or another.

He used to love those nights, just the two of them, staying up long past midnight if they had to until they finally cracked the case. They always did. It was always worth it.

Maybe they can have that again. Even if Donna lives here now, even if the whole firm is different and Mike is different and it’s been years, actual years since they last did something like this.

Surely they can have that again, starting right now, standing in Harvey’s kitchen, talking about what to order.

Almost like old times, isn’t it?

*

Walking through the doors of the firm again, knowing that he’s there to stay, is stranger than he thought it would be. In a good way, a closer examination of the feeling reveals, but strange nevertheless.

Figuring there was no point in waiting, especially since he didn’t exactly have much else to do, Mike decided to start the following Monday, and he’s mostly looking forward to it.

He _is_ looking forward to the work. He’s looking forward to seeing everyone. He only talked to Harvey since he got back, but he must have told them about his return. Louis will be happy to see him, and Katrina, and Donna, who said her only regret about going back here after Seattle was leaving them behind. It’ll be nice to see them all on a daily basis again.

It’s still weird though.

Harvey was right, the firm is different. Not just because there are new names on the wall, and really, how this place still has any credibility is beyond him with the amount of times they’ve changed them by now. Testament to how good the work they do is, he supposes.

It _feels_ different too. Maybe it’s because he got so used to working at Andy’s firm, but he remembers well enough what it was like to be an associate at Pearson Hardman, and he doesn’t remember laughing quite so much or flocking around some desk to chat at the beginning of the workday. Not even during lunch break.

Harvey waits for him by the elevators like he knew exactly he was coming, the sneaky bastard. He must have told someone to notify him once he entered the building. There’s a small smile on his face and a folder in his hands, presumably both for him.

“Welcome back.”

“Thanks.”

Indicating the direction with a nod of his head, he leads the way. “How does it feel, being here again?”

“Good, yeah. Weird,” Mike then admits. “But in a good way, I think.”

Harvey throws him a look from the side. “Is someone nervous?”

Mike huffs and doesn’t answer, his eyes moving over his surroundings as they head down the hall.

“They look like they’re having fun,” he says, nodding at the associates in the bullpen, seemingly unconcerned about the fact that a name partner is walking past them while they’re doing something other than work.

Harvey is equally carefree, which is even weirder.

“I suppose they are.”

Mike gives him a look. “When I was an associate here, fun wasn’t even in my vocabulary.”

“Really, Mike? Hyperbole?”

“It’s not an exaggeration! I mean, you were a hardass alright, but Louis…”

Harvey hums. “He did get more mellow with the years,” he concedes.

“Plus, Jessica isn’t here to make sure things are in line anymore, I suppose.”

“Oh, they’re in line alright. Just because we don’t watch over them with a whip in hand doesn’t mean they’re dawdling. They know what we expect of them, we know that they deliver, and as long as everyone holds up their end of the deal, what’s the harm in creating a friendly working climate?”

Mike stares at him. “Who are you?”

Harvey chuckles.

“No, seriously. Did you get that from a book or something?”

“I told you,” is all Harvey says. “Things have changed around here. The new system works, everyone’s happy, and happy employees make for happy bosses.”

“With their pockets full of cash,” Mike adds. “Got it.”

“If you say so. Now, if you’re done whining about how hard your life under my mentoring was… this is your new office.”

Mike turns to look at the space they stopped at, frowning.

“It’s… smaller,” he says, which is true. It’s also a lot farther away from Harvey’s office than his old one was. “Are you trying to shove me off into a cubbyhole?”

“This looks like a cubbyhole to you? I hate to think what kind of apartment you gave up in Seattle if those are your standards.”

When Mike just gives him a look, Harvey lifts his shoulders. “You get what you’ve earned. Show me you deserve it, you’ll get a nice new office on top of your senior partnership. Until then, make yourself at home here. I’ll get you an orchid if it helps you feel more welcome.”

“You owe me like three of those at this point,” Mike mutters, but goes inside nevertheless. It’s not actually that small, and he doesn’t really need more space than this. It’s fine, just a bit of a downgrade.

Harvey trails after him, putting the file he’s been holding on the desk when he’s stepped around it.

“What do we have here then?”

“Your first case. Yes, it’s pro bono. I was gonna do it myself, but I figured it’d be an appropriate welcome back gift. Should be right up your alley.”

Mike pulls the file closer.

“Better than an orchid at any rate.”

A lot better, actually. It’s a nice gesture. Thoughtful.

Opening the folder, he skims the details of the case, the corner of his mouth lifting when he looks up.

“Thanks, Harvey. You want me to get started on this right away, or…?”

“You could do that, but then you’d miss the welcome back party they’re throwing you in the break room.”

Mike blinks at him. “Seriously?”

Harvey nods. “Now, don’t go expecting anything the scale of the last party we attended together, but I heard there’ll be cake, and people have been keeping their morning cleared so they’d have time to chat with you.”

“That’s… really sweet. They didn’t have to do that.”

“We all wanted to.” He tilts his head. “Come on, let’s not leave them waiting.”

Whatever flicker of apprehension Mike had in his stomach dissolves as they step into the room and he finds himself surrounded by familiar faces instantly, the smiles they greet him with nothing but genuine.

This was a good idea, actually. Having everyone gathered in one place saves him having to head them off individually throughout the day to say hello, and seeing how many people there are is rather touching. Seeing that they’re all happy to have him back definitely is too, easing some of the tension he’s been carrying around with him since he entered the building.

Louis and Katrina are the first in line, followed by Gretchen, who provided the cake, and even Benjamin is lurking about, offering a small smile when he acknowledges him with a nod.

Samantha is there too, not joining in on the chatter until he reaches her.

Mike suspects Harvey had a conversation with her about his return, because her face betrays nothing, neither smiling nor frowning as she shakes his hand.

“Welcome back, Mike. Here’s to a more successful cooperation than last time.”

“Thanks. Listen, about that. I’m- things didn’t go as they should have during that case. I know we have rules here, and I have every intention of following them, so… think we can start over without any bad blood between us? Get it right this time?”

He’s mostly doing this as a favor to Harvey, showing him that he’s got nothing to worry about in that regard, but he supposes it doesn’t hurt to clear the air. They’re going to have to work together sooner or later, and he’d prefer for that to begin on a good note.

Even if he’s still annoyed by how she acted last time.

“I think that’s in everyone’s best interest,” she agrees, giving him a brief smile. “Let’s start over.”

He nods and smiles too and then leaves her to it at the next opportunity. Working together is one thing. Doesn’t mean they have to be friends on top of that.

Speaking of friends.

Donna hangs back until he approaches her, which surprises him, but the hug she welcomes him with is nothing but heartfelt.

“I was so sorry to hear about you and Rachel. If I’d known, I would have reached out to both of you.” She sighs. “We were just so busy with our own situation over here, but I still felt terrible when Harvey told me you two had split up.”

Mike pulls back, wondering if there was yet another dramatic incident at the firm since he last visited. Harvey didn’t mention anything, but then again, with how many fires they tend to put out here on a weekly basis, he probably didn’t think it noteworthy.

“It’s fine, Donna. It wouldn’t have changed anything.”

It’s not exactly something he wants to talk about, especially not in public, but a look around reveals that most people have returned to their offices or are about to head out, and the ones that are left probably know about it anyway.

“For what it’s worth, Rachel feels terrible too. She always wanted to call, but things got crazy at work on top of everything, and after a while she felt like she’d missed the window to reach out again. She says hi though, and she hopes to be able to visit at some point to catch up in person.”

“That would be wonderful,” Donna agrees.

“How is she doing?” Louis wants to know. “I haven’t talked to her since you two sent that package for Lucy’s birth. Sounds like a lot has happened since then.”

“Yeah. She’s fine, though. We agreed that this was for the best, and it’s been… better since then. We’re fine.”

Louis sighs. “Still, it’s a shame. Another one bites the dust. Seems to be a recurring theme around here.”

Mike frowns. “Wait a second. Are you and Sheila-“

“God, no. No, we’re great. We’re perfect. Domestic bliss is doing wonders for us.”

“Right. Well, as long as all of you are still happy, things aren’t so bad, are they?”

“I mean, that’s one way of putting it,” Donna says after a slight pause, sounding more than a little doubtful. Harvey discreetly clears his throat.

Mike glances between them, getting increasingly suspicious.

“What… don’t tell me there’s trouble in paradise between you two as well.”

The proverbial drop of a pin would have been deafening in the silence that follows, with Donna and Louis looking at him like he’s grown a second head. Harvey, for his part, doesn’t look at him at all.

Louis narrows his eyes. “Wait a minute. He doesn’t know about Charlie?”

Donna stares at Harvey. “You haven’t told him?”

“It hasn’t come up yet,” Harvey says evasively. When Mike turns to him, he doesn’t meet his eyes.

“Who’s Charlie? What’s going on?”

Harvey scratches his neck, and Mike only then realizes that he’s not wearing his wedding ring anymore.

The sight makes him stop short, blinking as he tries to reconcile the implications with what he thought to be true this whole time.

He should have noticed. How did he not notice?

“Donna and I aren’t together anymore. Our divorce will be finalized in a few weeks, actually.”

“What? When did this happen?”

“Two weeks and one day after we got back from Seattle,” Donna says, a trace of bitterness in her voice, but when Mike glances at her, her gaze is thoughtful as it rests on Harvey.

“Right,” Mike says slowly, still trying to make sense of what’s going on. What’s been going on for a while, apparently, without him knowing even the first thing about it. “So you two broke up as well. And now Harvey is with this… Charlie, was it? Who is she? Do I know her?”

Another silence spreads, this one even heavier than the other.

Uncomfortably aware that everyone is looking at him, Mike wonders what he said this time to cause it.

Harvey lets out an almost indiscernible sigh. “ _He’s_ my boyfriend.”

Mike stares at him blankly.

“Okay, I’ve really missed something.”

“It’s a long story. Let’s not get into it now. This isn’t the time and place.”

Mike doubts anyone who’s still in this room doesn’t already know about it – anyone apart from him, evidently – but he just nods, too stunned to say much more.

Not that the others seem to know how to pick up the conversation again.

“Alright, well, this has been nice, but the cases on my desk aren’t going to work themselves out.” Louis claps his hands together, giving Mike a short, but crushing hug.

“Good to have you back, Mike. Seems like it was about time. You’ll have to come by and meet Lucy one of these days.”

“Oh, yes. Yeah. Absolutely. I can’t wait to see her.”

He looks after him, turning around when Donna puts a hand on his shoulder.

“We’ll catch up soon,” she promises. “It is good to have you back. Let’s try not to lose sight of each other this time around, alright?”

“Yeah, let’s not.”

Watching until she’s around the corner, he then turns around to find Harvey looking at him, an unreadable expression on his face.

“You want more cake?”

Mike blinks. Of all the things he expected him to say.

Not that anything he’s been saying to him has been remotely what he expected to hear.

“No, I’m good.”

He barely managed to finish his first slice.

“Well, back to work it is then.”

Taking another slice of cake for himself, Harvey turns to leave, and Mike trails after him, trying to find something to say.

“So, you’re seeing a guy.”

Smooth.

Harvey lets out a deep breath. Mike wonders how many times he’s had to have this conversation already and instantly hates the fact that he just became part of that statistic. “Yes, I am.”

“Right. Cool. I’m- happy for you. I mean, I’m sorry to hear about you and Donna, but- you’re fine?”

“Yes, Mike. I’m fine.”

He nods slowly, searching his face but coming up with nothing.

“Alright, good. That’s all that matters, isn’t it?”

Isn’t it?

Is it?

“Indeed,” Harvey agrees, and that seems to settle it for him.

Mike stops in the doorway when he reaches his office, sitting down behind his desk. When he doesn’t move, Harvey glances up and lifts an eyebrow.

“Are you gonna stand there all day, or do you plan on getting to work at some point?”

“Hey, you give me a cubbyhole as an office, you have to live with the fact that I’ll want to spend my time in yours instead.”

“And here I was thinking the days of you occupying my space were behind us.”

“Like you didn’t pray for them to come back every night before bed.”

Good. This is good. This is normal. This is what they do.

Bullshit. They’ve never done this.

Harvey has never kept anything like this from him. He’s never omitted the truth, cut him out like that. Mike has never had to pretend he knows how to deal with it.

The sting of hurt is surprisingly sharp, rendering him incapable of saying any of the dozen things running through his head, which might be for the best. Most of them aren’t particularly diplomatic.

Oblivious to his thoughts, Harvey says, “Tell you what. I’ve got a few clients and cases I wanna show you to catch you up. If you’re here already, we might as well do it now.”

Mike nods slowly and takes a seat on his sofa when he waves him inside, doing his best to focus on the explanations he’s given over the next ten minutes when Harvey joins him there, bringing him up to speed.

Despite all the obstacles the firm’s had to face in the past years, they’ve brought some big players in that Mike would seriously be impressed by, if his mind wasn’t elsewhere.

Leaving him with a stack of files to read through, a task that usually wouldn’t take him longer than a few minutes, Harvey eventually returns to his desk to continue working, while Mike stares at the first page without taking anything in.

Harvey doesn’t seem to notice his stupor. Harvey doesn’t seem to have a care in the world as he types one thing or another on his laptop, like it’s any other day, like he didn’t just drop a goddamn bomb on him.

It’s not that big a deal. Mike is really trying not to make it a thing, but hell, it _is_ a thing.

Not that Harvey is seeing a man. Well, that too, but that’s just… unexpected. Majorly unexpected.

Granted, it would have been unexpected a few months ago too, but at least he would have heard about it as it happened then.

Why didn’t he ever hear about it?

Mike shuts his file, dropping it with a little more force than necessary. Harvey looks up at the sound.

“Okay, look, I know you don’t wanna talk about this right now and that’s fine, but I’m just- I mean, you could have told me. All of it. You could have mentioned the fact that you’re getting a divorce and you’re with someone else now. And yes, that it’s a guy. I mean, did you think I would mind? Is that why you didn’t say anything? You thought I was a terrible lawyer _and_ a terrible human being?”

“Of course I didn’t. That’s not it.”

He swallows. “Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“Would it have changed anything?” Harvey asks mildly.

Mike frowns. “What do you mean?”

Harvey lets out a deep breath, sitting back.

“We sort of fell out, didn’t we? It’s not just that we didn’t talk. It’s that I didn’t feel like you still wanted to hear about what was going on.”

When Mike blinks at him, he sighs.

“You know when I said about Donna that more than anyone, she gets me? That used to be you. But you left, and when you came back you were a different man. Kind of ironic, considering what you accused me of when we fought over that stupid case. ‘You lost your way’, remember?”

Mike remembers.

“I was looking forward to rekindling our relationship when I moved to Seattle, but we never really got the chance to. And that might be on me, but… I’m not the one who stopped calling in the first place. And I sure as hell didn’t treat you like crap the first time I saw you again.”

“So you’re saying it’s my fault?”

Harvey pinches his lips, looking torn before he exhales slowly. In for a penny, in for a pound.

“I’m saying that this is what I got from you, and that’s why I acted the way I did. Shit, Mike, don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re kind of an asshole. And you’re proud of it too. You act like an entitled brat half the time when really, we both know how lucky you can count yourself to even be where you are now. You’ve always been something of an arrogant, cocky bastard, but not like this.”

Mike’s jaw clenches.

“Is that it? Or have you got anything else you’d like to get off your chest while we’re at it?”

Harvey rubs his temple, sighing.

“Look, I’m not trying to be a dick about this. This isn’t an attack, alright? But… you used to be nice, genuinely nice. Kind, too. You used to care, about other things than just winning. I don’t know when your priorities shifted, I don’t know why, and ultimately it doesn’t matter anyway. I think we’ve been through enough for you to know that at the end of the day, I'll still be your guy. Nothing’s changed about that. But other things have. I think it’s for the best if we both accept that.”

So this is why he was so reluctant to let him come back. This is why he never reached out. Why he didn’t tell him.

How long has this been standing between them without him even noticing?

Accept that.

Accept it? How can he accept that he may have lost his best friend without even realizing?

A best friend would have realized, the voice in his head points out. Maybe Harvey’s right. Maybe this is his fault.

 _Your fault_.

Mike grimaces. He wishes he hadn’t eaten that slice of cake because he feels sick with it now, sick with the searing heat accumulating in his stomach that tastes a lot like anger on his tongue.

Oh, he’s angry alright, and there’s a lot he wants to say in response to what Harvey just told him.

But Harvey didn’t say any of it to reproach him. And if he gives in to the anger and walks out of here, he’ll have nothing left.

This was supposed to be unshakable. That’s what he believed, truly believed; that no matter what happened between them, no matter how hard they fought, he would always have this to fall back on, to return to.

Well, he did return. But this is not the same as it used to be, not by a long shot.

The anger in his gut tightens. Is it anger? Or is it fear, deep down, making him wonder if he can ever get back what he lost while he wasn’t paying attention.

Not that it matters. Not that it makes a goddamn difference.

“So that’s it,” Mike says flatly. “I fucked up, and now we’re not even friends anymore?”

Harvey frowns, shaking his head impatiently.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Of course we’re friends. I’m on your side, Mike. Always will be. But we used to be a team, and now it just feels like I'm in it on my own.”

Shutting his eyes briefly, Mike allows himself a deep breath to gather himself. When he opens his eyes, he meets Harvey’s gaze evenly.

“Have you talked to Rachel lately by any chance? Because that’s almost word for word what she said to me before she kicked me out.”

It’s over before he knows it, but Harvey winces, something flashing across his face that looks like hurt, like he regrets having said anything, and that wasn’t Mike’s intention. He didn’t mean to make him feel bad.

Didn’t he?

“I thought you agreed on getting a divorce.”

Mike smiles tightly. “After she kicked me out, yes. It took me a while longer than her to accept that hanging on to this marriage was pointless.”

_Accept it._

He waves his hand, shaking his head. “Doesn’t matter. Look, I- things didn’t go as I thought they would. As they should have. I didn’t realize- I never meant for you to get the impression you got, and I’m sorry about that, alright? It’s not true. Of course I still wanna hear about what’s going on with you. Of course I still care.”

He inhales deeply, licking his lips.

“I wanna be part of your life again. I wanna know about stuff. Meet your- partner.”

The last part surprises even him, but Harvey needs to understand that he’s serious about this. He’s not going to walk out of this office with nothing, with what amounts to _I’m on your side, but I didn’t think you were still on mine_.

He won’t accept that. He won’t.

Harvey regards him quietly, then nods.

“Why don’t we start slow? Hang out sometime once you’ve settled in, catch up properly.”

“Sure. We can get a drink or something, whenever works for you.”

There’s a short pause before Harvey smiles tightly. “Sure.”

Giving him a suspicious look, Mike drops his shoulders slowly when his face betrays nothing else.

Harvey purses his lips, then asks, “Hey. We good?”

“Of course.”

They are. They totally are.

They have to be.

“Alright. For the record, I’m glad you’re here again, and I’m glad we got to talk it out.”

“Yeah.” Mike lets out a deep breath. “Me too.”

“Good. Now stop sitting around and get back to it, we’ve got work to do. No dawdling, remember?”

“So much for creating a friendly working climate,” Mike remarks, returning his attention to his files. “Your skills in that regard leave much to be desired, just so you know.”

He doesn’t look up, but the sound Harvey makes is close enough to a laugh that he knows the tension has passed. They’re back to joking, to the bantering that comes so easily to them.

This is how they talk to each other.

Good to know that some things at least stayed the same around here.


	2. Chapter 2

“Well, this place is fancy.”

“Fancy enough for you? I’m glad to hear it. I was getting a bit worried you’d refer to it as a cubbyhole too.”

“Funny.” Mike picks up the drinks menu, skimming the selection. “Is this going to be your new joke? The old ‘you’re a fraud’ isn’t cutting it anymore?”

“You wish. I’m just broadening my range.”

“About time too,” Mike mutters, catching Harvey’s smile when he glances at him.

Putting the menu down, he leans back in his seat, scanning the room for a waiter.

“So. Have you been here before?”

He hates the question as soon as he asked it, hates how telling it is, betraying that this is where they are now, at a point where they have to resort to small talk. He doesn’t really care whether Harvey’s been here before or not, not unless it tells him something else about his life that he missed.

But they’re starting slow. That’s what Harvey said, that’s what they need to do after the rough patch they’ve been having. Start slow.

Like they’ve ever done anything slowly, from the moment they first met.

“A few times. I have this client who loves this place. Always asks to come here.”

“Right.”

He taps his finger against the table in the small silence that follows.

“Do I know him? Or her?”

“You wouldn’t. I closed him a few months ago.”

“He wasn’t on the list you showed me on Monday?”

“No.”

“Hm.”

Before he can come up with anything else to say, a waitress finally approaches their table.

“Gentlemen. What can I get you?”

“Uh, I’ll have a… whiskey on the rocks, please.” Mike glances at Harvey. “You too?”

He smiles at the waitress, shaking his head. “Not for me, thanks. I’ll have a coke zero. Just a little ice, please.”

Mike lifts his eyebrows.

“Will that be all?”

“Yes, thank you.”

Once she leaves, Harvey returns his gaze to Mike, only then noticing his eyes on him.

“Are you on medication?” he asks when he offers no explanation.

Harvey lets out something like a laugh.

“Getting my life in order,” he corrects.

Mike stares at him blankly, not quite processing what he’s saying because he surely can’t mean what it sounds like he means.

Can he?

Every part of him wants to laugh it off, this silly little joke Harvey is making, but the expression on his face makes the sound stick in his throat, telling him what he can’t quite bring himself to believe.

“You mean- really?”

“Yeah.”

Mike blinks, opening his mouth and then closing it again. Harvey returns his look evenly, not providing any more information, but not shying away from the conversation either. He’s as calm and collected as he’s ever been, which is exactly what Mike can’t reconcile – this image of him that’s seared onto his mind with someone who lost control like that.

Harvey is always in control. That’s his entire thing, that’s how Mike met him, how he acted when they worked together, how he remembered him when he moved to Seattle. He can count the times he’s seen him lose control on one hand and still have a few fingers left. Harvey is always, _always_ in control.

How did he go from that to… this?

“Shit. I’m sorry to hear that, Harvey.”

Inadequate. So goddamn inadequate.

He swallows, wishing there was something else he could tell him, but what is there to say, really?

A distant sense of trepidation is tightening his chest, the conflicting emotions welling up in him making it hard to think straight; sympathy, disbelief, a bone-deep sadness, regret, regret, regret.

He should have been there.

Mike frowns, not sure if the question is welcome, but unable to stop himself all the same. He just needs to know. “Was it bad?”

“Yes,” Harvey says simply. “Not as bad as it could have been, but bad enough. I… realized before it spiraled out of control entirely. It wasn’t that I showed up at the office drunk or missed any meetings, you know? But I got dependent on it. And I didn’t want that. I don’t want to be dependent on anything ever again, and certainly not something that could potentially ruin my whole life. So I acted before it was too late.”

Mike nods slowly, not entirely trusting himself to speak. Funny, how their roles are reversed, how he’s so affected by what Harvey is saying while he doesn’t seem to have a care in the world, talking about his problems like they belong to someone else.

Is it a mask he puts on? Or is this really how he feels, at peace with himself and his issues, as collected and unfazed as ever?

Mike honestly doesn’t know, and it irks him more than he wants to admit that he can’t tell the difference.

“It’s one of the reasons I went back to therapy,” Harvey carries on. “It’s going much better this time, by the way. In case you were wondering.”

Well, as long as he can joke about it.

Wishing he had a drink already, just so he could hold on to something other than his own hands, Mike swallows. Matching his tone is hard, especially when nothing about this makes him feel like joking, but this is Harvey’s story to tell, and he should get to decide how he wants to tell it.

“I mean, as long as you don’t start dating your therapist again, you should be good.”

Harvey huffs, shaking his head. “Won’t be a problem. I’m all set in that regard.”

His lips curve into a smile, small and secretive, speaking volumes of the things Mike doesn’t know about, all those little moments and memories he isn’t privy to.

He clears his throat.

“So you don’t drink at all anymore?” he clarifies, still trying to wrap his head around the idea. There’s still the same whisky in his office that he’s always kept there. He offered him a drink that first night when he came to see him, so he must still have some alcohol at his place too.

In so many memories Mike has of him, Harvey has a glass in his hand. Now he’s sitting opposite a different Harvey, a sober Harvey. A Harvey who went to his darkest places without him, and pulled himself back before he even noticed something was wrong.

How bad did it really get? How much did Mike miss out on because he was so busy with himself, not wanting to talk about his own shitty problems and thus forfeiting his chance to share in Harvey’s?

“No, I do. Occasionally. I’m limiting it whenever I can though. Try not to fall back on it when I’m emotional, only drink for enjoyment and not as a way of coping, that sort of thing.” He smiles dryly. “You know, a healthy approach. Everything in moderation.”

“Right.” Mike frowns. “How does that work with clients though? Don’t they ask why you don’t drink?”

“Sometimes. Some of them I tell the truth. Others, I just tell them I’m driving and I refuse to drink before getting behind the wheel. They love the idea of their business being in a responsible guy’s hands. You just have to sell it to them.”

“And you’re the best closer in the city, so that’s what you do. I see.”

“Damn right it is,” Harvey agrees.

The corner of his mouth lifts despite the heavy matter they’re discussing, his shoulders straight but relaxed, his gaze open and inviting when he meets Mike’s.

You wouldn’t know it by looking at him, the year that’s behind him.

Mike _should_ have known, though.

At least he does now. It’s a small comfort, but he’ll take what he can get at this point.

“So you really changed your whole life, huh.”

“Well. Not all of it. I still kick ass in the courtroom. I still make everyone I meet succumb to my natural charm.”

Mike rolls his eyes, but can’t help the smile pulling at his lips.

Running a hand over his mouth, he glances at Harvey before he jokes weakly, “Did I miss anything else while we’re at it? Or is that all?”

Like it isn’t enough. Like it isn’t too fucking much already.

“That’s everything,” Harvey says, his smile matching his gentle tone. He’s not lying. “You’re all caught up now.”

Mike takes a deep breath, nodding slowly.

“Okay. Alright. I- listen, I know things have been… not great between us. So, thank you. For telling me. I appreciate the honesty.”

“And I appreciate that you’re not being weird about it.”

Mike grimaces. Another thing he must have had a ton of uncomfortable conversations about. That he still faces the next one in a long line of those with such poise is astonishing, to say the least.

But that’s Harvey for you. He doesn’t run from his battles.

If only Mike were more like that.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”

Harvey accepts that with a gracious nod.

“You’re here now.”

It doesn’t change the past, but it does make a difference in what happens from here on.

Alright then. Looking forward. Moving on.

Mike regards him, inwardly shaking his head at how fast this went from zero to a hundred. Not quite the conversation he thought they’d be having, but at least they’re talking to each other again.

Screw starting slow. This is what they do. This is what Mike _wants_ to do.

It’s a goddamn weight off his shoulders to find that they haven’t lost that entirely.

Apparently it was the right approach, because they get the hang of it after that. Their drinks arrive, and they move on to other topics, none of them quite as heavy, but it feels a lot more like them than what they were talking about before.

Harvey tells him about his return from Seattle, how he pulled every string imaginable to ensure Faye wouldn’t come for them again, which Mike _has_ been curious about since he received his text announcing that he was back at the firm, though it’s not the most burning one out of the questions he has.

Still, he listens politely, waiting until he’s done and an appropriate amount of time has passed before he sets down his glass.

“So. Charlie.”

He overenunciates the name, letting it roll off his tongue as he scrutinizes Harvey for any reactions flickering over his face.

He just tilts his chin up, lifting an eyebrow as he looks at him.

“How did you meet?”

“In a bar, funnily enough. Shortly before I started cutting back. It was the night Donna and I broke up.”

He huffs at Mike’s expression, hopefully displaying surprise rather than shock.

“I know. Saying it out loud makes it sound terrible. But it wasn’t supposed to last. I didn’t go in there hoping to meet someone, and I didn’t walk out of there expecting him to be anything more than a one-night stand. We just clicked for some reason. Talked all night and half the next day too. And when I left to go home and pick up the pieces of the night before, I just knew that I wanted to see him again.”

“So you… started dating the day after you decided to get a divorce?”

He doesn’t mean to sound so judgmental, but that _is_ fast, even for a womanizer like Harvey.

Well. Womanizer probably doesn’t cut it anymore.

Harvey chuckles. “No, of course not. I may not have felt the way I should have about Donna, but I still loved her, and it still took some time to make peace with that failure of a marriage after convincing myself that was gonna be it for me.”

He shrugs. “We decided to keep it casual and take it slow right away. We’d both just come out of a serious relationship, and we were mostly looking for companionship. I went in with no expectations, and I guess that’s exactly what I needed to do. For once, I didn’t have any idea in my head of what it was supposed to be like. It wasn’t supposed to be anything. It just was what it was. And that was… good. Really good.”

“Hm. Sounds like it.”

Harvey smiles. “We kept seeing each other, went out for a while, but we didn’t officially date for another two months. That’s when we told other people.”

Mike lifts his eyebrows. “Must have been one hell of a conversation when you told Donna. Did she figure out when you met or did you tell her upfront?”

“I told her. Explained how it went down, that it wasn’t planned. Not that it would have made a difference. She was still mad at me, but finally agreed that we were better off apart. Besides, she’d been seeing her ex at that point as well, so there really was no reason to hide it.”

Mike hums, pursing his lips in consideration.

“But I’ve seen you two, at the firm. You’re… almost like you used to be with each other. You’re still friends, then? Despite everything?”

“We’re friends, yes. I mean, we were never really the hanging-out type of friends, and we sure as hell aren’t now, but… it’s alright. We made a mistake, we’re trying to move on from that. It’s not how it used to be before we got involved, I’m not gonna lie. And I don’t think it ever will be again. But that’s alright. We weren’t good for each other when we were like that. There was an element of dependency to it too, and it took all the fun out of it. We’re just friends now. Very casual friends. And that’s fine.”

Mike narrows his eyes.

“You used to be very scared of losing her.”

“I used to be scared of a lot of things. And most of them came true, and I’m still standing on my feet.” He lifts his shoulders. “The worst has already happened, Mike. Ten times over. I’m not scared of it anymore. I know I can deal with it, because I have, time and time again. And no matter what I believed, what I still believe sometimes, I’m never in it on my own.”

Right. Because he has Charlie now.

Mike wants to say something, but bites his tongue before the words can slip out. It doesn’t feel right, like he would intrude now that Harvey is not thinking of him anymore when he says things like that.

Maybe Mike doesn’t deserve to be on that list. Maybe he has to earn it, after willingly giving up his place when he left and stopped making an effort to be part of Harvey’s life.

The thought is sobering, but it rings true.

“I take it you and Rachel haven’t been talking since you broke up then?” Harvey asks, ripping him from his thoughts.

Mike sighs. “A little. I think it’s still too soon for any kind of… friendship, or attempts thereof. It’s funny, because we both agreed we’d be better off as friends, but now neither of us seems to know how to go about that.”

Harvey nods. “It’s hard. But not impossible, if you both want it. Maybe the distance will help.”

“Yeah. Or make it harder.” He waves his hand. “Never mind. Let’s talk about something else.”

Harvey’s eyes linger on him, but he does change the subject, telling him about a case he worked on with Alex that made him think of Mike, and the relatively neutral topic of work is what they get stuck on for the rest of the night, but that’s alright.

Mike isn’t sure he could have stomached any more revelations right now, even though Harvey told him that was it. He still feels like he missed out on something, and it’s going to come back and bite him in the ass eventually.

But for the time being, it doesn’t. They just hang out for a while, chatting about this and that, and it’s almost like it used to be save for all the little ways in which it isn’t.

Mike switches to a coke after his first drink too, which Harvey tells him he doesn’t have to do, but drinking by himself just feels odd when he knows Harvey is holding back.

After that, they call it a day. They’ve got work in the morning and it’s kind of weird to sit in a bar when you don’t intend to drink.

“We can go to your place next time,” Mike suggests as they head out. “Or mine, once I’m done refurnishing.”

Rachel chose most of the furniture they left behind in the apartment, and it’s really more her style than his. He didn’t exactly need a reminder of their relationship every time he walked into his own living room, so he decided to get rid of most of it on impulse. He’s been poring over catalogs after work the past week, picking out new pieces that are a little more suited to his tastes.

Harvey nods. “We’ll figure something out. This was nice,” he adds, a small smile on his lips.

“It was. Let’s do it again soon?”

“Absolutely.”

Saying their goodbyes, Harvey turns left while Mike turns right, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he walks. It’s a warm night, too warm to still be comfortable. Typical New York summer. He can’t say he missed that, but he can’t say he regrets coming back to it either.

God knows what else he might have missed if he hadn’t. Not just with Harvey, with Louis and Donna and everyone else too. Maybe he never would have stitched the relationships he broke when he moved away back together. Maybe he never would have realized he broke them at all.

The thought makes him wince. Better late than never though, right?

Even if coming here wasn’t exactly a choice he made because he wanted to. He did want to come back, once it became clear things with Rachel weren’t going to work out, but if they had, he probably wouldn’t have given it another thought.

Hard to imagine that now. Mike wouldn’t go as far as saying that he’s happy here, but he sure as hell is happier than he was in Seattle, and even if things are still in the process of settling and working themselves out, he already knows, a visceral gut feeling, that this is right.

This is where he needs to be right now. It was the right thing to do, coming back. Even if it’s not what he saw in his future.

He wonders if that’s how Harvey felt when he had to make all those decisions. Moving to Seattle, moving back, taking it up with Faye again just so he could return, ending his marriage, taking back control over his life.

They joked about it earlier, but it’s still true. He really did change his whole life. It can’t have been easy, but it evidently did him a world of good.

He’s doing well, anyone can see that. He’s in therapy. He’s in control of his demons. He has a new relationship, a healthy and fulfilling one from the sound of it, and he even manages to maintain a steady, if somewhat superficial friendship with his soon-to-be ex-wife.

The stab of jealousy in his gut surprises Mike, instantly making him feel guilty, but the tight heat persists.

It’s not that he’s begrudging Harvey, on the contrary. He deserves this. He did what he had to do, still does every time he turns down a drink, pulling himself out of the gutter by his bootstraps. He’s doing the work, every day, no matter how hard and unpleasant it is.

Mike can’t help but admire him for that.

He just wishes he himself had a bit more to show in that regard.

As much as he hates to admit it, even if only to himself, he hasn’t exactly been at his best these past few years. It’s not that he doesn’t know that, that he hasn’t been aware of it all along, deep down, no matter what he might have said if someone had bothered to ask.

It’s just that he doesn’t really know what to do about it.

But what kind of excuse is that? He almost wants to laugh at himself, would have if he hadn’t unlearned how to do that at some point along the way.

Pathetic. That’s what it is.

Putting a name on it doesn’t make him feel any better. It just makes him feel tired.

He’s so tired these days.

But that’s no excuse either. And he doesn’t want to make excuses anymore, he wants to act. He wants things to change, to get better, wants _himself_ to get better. Like Harvey did.

Well, it’s a good thing he’s back here now, back by his side. He could use a friend who sticks by him even when he doesn’t deserve it. And who knows, maybe it’ll teach him a thing or two as well.

Just like old times, indeed.

*

Harvey can tell that Mike is trying.

He’s been back at the firm for two weeks now, back in New York for three, and he can already see the difference between that first night he showed up at his place and now.

He’s trying. Finding out about all the things he missed while he was gone, the divorce and Harvey’s drinking problem and Charlie, of course, seems to have been a much-needed reality check, ridding him of whatever chip he’s been carrying around on his shoulder these past few years.

It was vaguely uncomfortable to tell Mike about all of that, knowing full well it was going to hurt him, but there was no point in delaying the inevitable. If he was going to walk out on him again, Harvey would rather have found out sooner than later.

He half expected Mike to storm out and not talk to him again for a few weeks when he said all those things to him. Wouldn’t have been the first time. But they needed to be said if they ever wanted to move forward from where they got stuck somehow, and Harvey has rarely been so relieved to be proven wrong.

It was probably a combination of everything; his harsh words, the real extent of what he missed when he stopped keeping in touch, and his own divorce that he still hasn’t told Harvey more about, but he isn’t just not angry at him – for what feels like the first time in months. He’s humble, perhaps a little disillusioned too. No more waltzing back in and taking what he wants just because he wants it. It happened often enough, enough for Harvey to have to assume this wouldn’t be any different.

Not this time though. This time, Mike is trying. Something’s stopping him from strutting around like he owns the place, from assuming everything will still be the same when really, nothing is.

He’s acknowledging it, and even more than that, he’s adhering to it. It’s in the little things, how he chooses not to pick a fight when Harvey can tell he wants to, how he smiles at him more often, asking if he wants to hang out or have lunch together frequently. He’s trying to earn his place as his best friend again, which is funny because even with everything going on he never really lost it, but still. Harvey appreciates the sentiment, and he finds that this is a much more pleasant way of spending time with him than before.

He didn’t _want_ to grow apprehensive of Mike’s visits, didn’t want to let the little time they had be tainted by anything, least of all his own damn feelings, but at some point it became impossible not to. He became careful. Watched what he said, what he did, how he acted, lest he did anything to make Mike even more pissed at him.

He doesn’t know where all that anger came from – probably still does, even if he doesn’t wear it on his sleeve as much these days – and he’s pretty sure it has less to do with him and more with Mike and whatever problem he had that he wasn’t admitting to, but fact of the matter is that it was him who tended to be on the receiving end of it.

It’s a conversation he’s rather relieved they won’t need to have. Even in a long, uncomfortable line of those, that one would probably have taken the cake. _Hey Mike, would you mind not using me as your personal punching bag? It’s hurting my feelings._

Yeah, no. This is better.

Not great, but better.

They’ll get back to where they used to be eventually. He’s sure of that. Almost certain. Allowing for a margin of error, but really, it’ll be fine.

It had better be. He misses how things were. He’s gotten used to missing Mike when he was away, but this is different. He’s not gone anymore, he’s just… changed. And even this polite distance remaining between them despite their best efforts to move forward, the little safety net to protect himself if things go south again that Harvey can’t bring himself to give up entirely just yet, feels like too much to deal with on some days.

But this is where they are now. This is what they have to deal with. It’s certainly preferable to the alternative, Mike still being in Seattle and Harvey never hearing from him again. And Harvey has had to deal with a lot of uncomfortable situations lately, so it’s not like he isn’t used to it.

He just wishes he didn’t have to deal with them in relation to Mike, of all people.

He hates to admit how conflicted he was about letting him back in when he showed up on his doorstep, asking to return to the firm, to his place in Harvey’s life. After everything that happened, with how much things have changed, with Charlie…

It was a yes, of course it was, but not an enthusiastic one.

But he couldn’t _not_ let him back in. Because Mike asked him to. Because Harvey wanted it. Despite, perhaps, better knowledge, despite everything that went down between them, he still wanted Mike to come back to him. More than anything.

He’s gotten fairly good at getting his shit together these days, at doing the sensible thing, making the responsible choice, but the one thing he never could do and evidently still can’t is to refuse Mike.

Well, it’s a good thing he doesn’t have to. Mike is trying, and they’re leaving the past behind where it belongs. Things are looking up. It’s going well, better than he dared to hope for.

And Mike is back. Even if it’s not quite how it used to be, that still can’t be anything other than a good thing.

He wanted this, wished for it so many times after he left; to just have the chance to be around him and stay part of his life, to hang out with him, to have him knocking on his door out of the blue at ungodly hours.

He forgot quite how often that used to happen.

Some things never change, evidently.

“Mike,” he says, only somewhat surprised to find that it’s him on his doorstep. There aren’t that many people who tend to show up here unannounced, and even fewer who get sent up without the doorman calling ahead to let him know.

“Hey. This a bad time?”

“Not at all. Charlie’s here, but we’re just watching something.”

Mike stops short. “Oh. I, uh, can come back another time. I don’t wanna interrupt anything.”

There’s a small part of him that, ridiculously, is inclined to agree. Harvey pays no attention to it.

“Nonsense. You wanted to meet him, didn’t you? Might as well do it now.”

“Right. If you don’t mind. Both of you.”

Glancing inside like it’ll allow him a glimpse of what’s awaiting him, Mike bites his lip as he shifts his weight, his face a mix of curiosity and reluctance.

“I don’t, and he doesn’t either, trust me. He’s been looking forward to meeting you ever since you got back.”

Nodding hesitantly, Mike comes in, going through to the living room after one last glance at him.

“Hey,” he calls out, a half-smile on his lips as he waves his hand.

Charlie looks up, his eyebrows rising. “Oh! Hey. You’re Mike.”

“The one and only,” he jokes after a slight pause, clearly surprised to be recognized.

Shaking his head, Charlie rises from his chair.

“Sorry, I just heard so much about you. I can’t believe I’m finally seeing you in the flesh.”

“I would have introduced you eventually,” Harvey remarks.

“That’s what I’m talking about. Eventually. Why wait?” Charlie shakes his head, smiling as he extends his hand to Mike. “I’m Charlie, by the way, but I’m guessing you know that.”

“Yeah,” Mike admits. “It’s nice to meet you. Good to finally put a face to the name.”

Finally? He only found out he existed two weeks ago. Harvey glances at him, but despite his strangely tense features he sounds genuine, so he doesn’t call him out on it.

“Listen, I’m sorry for barging in here like this. I didn’t expect Harvey to have company. I should have called ahead.”

Charlie waves his hand. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. We weren’t doing anything important.”

“Introducing you to cinematic classics is very important,” Harvey argues. Mike’s eyes snap to him before returning to Charlie, who laughs.

“You get way too intense about that stuff.”

“I absolutely don’t.”

“Yes, you do. It’s very cute.” Turning to Mike, Charlie says, “Since you’re here already, can we offer you anything? Coffee? A drink?”

Mike’s eyebrows rise before he nods, a little belated. “Uh, yeah, just some water would be great. Thanks.”

“You got it.”

He squeezes Harvey’s shoulder in passing, and he smiles after him before turning back to Mike. “So what brings you here?”

Mike frowns, then seems to remember himself. “Right. I’ve been thinking about that case you gave me, Schubert and Sons, and how you said opening a new branch wasn’t an option. But I was thinking, why not? I’m pretty sure they could get their hands on the necessary funds if they moved some assets around, and it would more or less solve all their problems if they divided their business evenly.”

Nothing he couldn’t have told him over the phone. Nothing that had to be taken care of tonight.

It may look different from Mike than from other people, but Harvey knows an olive branch when he sees one.

He’s trying. The thought puts a smile on his face that he doesn’t quite manage to hide.

“You’re pretty sure or you’ve been doing the math in your head?”

“Well, some of it. I thought we could go over the whole thing together. But that doesn’t need to happen now, obviously.”

Harvey turns to glance at the kitchen, catching Charlie’s eyes. “You mind?”

“Not at all. You do you, I can keep myself busy.”

Harvey smiles. “Thanks. I’ll make it up to you.”

“Unnecessary, but not unwelcome,” Charlie gives back, winking at him.

Mike’s eyebrows are raised when he turns back to him, scratching his neck. “We really don’t have to. I just thought, if you’ve got nothing else on…”

“Well, you’re here already, so we might as well. Besides, I’ve got the world’s fastest calculator with me. How long can it really take?”

Still a while, evidently, but since Mike really seems to be on to something, he doesn’t mind putting in the extra time.

For obvious reasons, it’s mostly Mike who’s doing the work, going through the numbers at the speed of light, leaving Harvey enough opportunities to glance between him and Charlie. He didn’t expect it to be so bizarre to have the two of them in the same room, his past and his present not just colliding but somehow coexisting, one to his left, the other to his right, and Harvey stuck in the middle.

Mike is immersed in the files he brought, sitting amidst the organized chaos he created around himself, looking like he was taken out of time five, seven, ten years ago and put here now, like nothing changed, save for a few more lines around his eyes.

Charlie has retreated to his chair again, his knees pulled up to his chest to support his notebook. Harvey knows he’s been brooding over one of his melodies lately, and he hears the scribble of his pen sometimes, but he’s mostly silent. When he looks at him, he finds his eyes on the two of them rather than his sheet music. Noticing his gaze, he smiles.

Harvey hesitantly does the same.

The thing is, Charlie knows. About Mike. About what Mike has meant to him in the past, still does.

Harvey told him, first because he didn’t expect to see him again, because he realized how good it felt to get it off his chest, and later on because he honestly didn’t think that Mike would ever come back.

He didn’t even know if they’d ever talk to each other again, for god’s sake. How could he have anticipated his return, his change of heart, that he’d want to be part of his life again?

Charlie doesn’t know all of it, the full extent that Harvey has never admitted to anyone apart from himself, but he knows enough. Enough to make this weird, even though they agreed to keep things casual, back when Harvey still believed his feelings for him wouldn’t run deeper than _liking_ him.

Except they did.

They still don’t weigh their relationship down with heavy expectations, instead taking things as they come, relishing the easy companionship they offer each other today rather than worrying about tomorrow. But now it’s serious too. There’s commitment in this. Shared experiences. A mutual understanding of each other and their needs. Common ground.

All of which Charlie could very well assume to be threatened by Mike’s sudden return.

But if he does, he’s not letting it show. He’s just smiling, tapping his pen to the rhythm in his head that he showed him last week for the first time, and Harvey tells himself to take yes for an answer and stop worrying.

They get to the end eventually, and Mike was right, there is a solution for pretty much all of his client’s problems.

“This is amazing,” Harvey says, skimming the numbers. “Great work, Mike.”

“Good enough to earn me a better office?”

He lets out a short laugh. “You’ve been back for two weeks. Give it some time.”

“What’s wrong with your office?” Charlie inquires.

Mike glances at him, his smile faltering. “Nothing. It’s pretty nice, actually. Just… smaller than what I had before.”

“Of course it’s nice, I picked it for you,” Harvey remarks. “Also, you should have learned by now that size doesn’t matter, but since you keep going back to that, I can only repeat myself. Give it time.”

Mike lets out a deep breath.

“I know, I know. I have to earn my place here again. Which, I hope you realize, I’m making an effort to do.”

“Yeah,” Harvey says, the corner of his mouth lifting when he catches his eyes. “I know you are.” He puts a hand on his back. “And you’re definitely on the right track. Keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll be where you wanna be in no time.”

Mike swallows, smiling a little when he nods. “Sounds good.”

Hearing it for what it is, Harvey returns the smile before dropping his hand.

Mike clears his throat. “Right. I’ll let you get back to your movie then. What are you watching, anyway?”

“The Wizard of Oz.”

“Oh, that’s a good one.”

“You’re welcome to stay and watch it with us, if you want. Harvey tells me you’re into movies too, right?”

“Yeah, but I… I don’t want to hijack your date night. And- I’ve got work to do anyway, so, maybe another time.”

“Alright, if you’re sure. But I’ll hold you to that.” Charlie tilts his chin up. “Why don’t you come over for dinner sometime? I’d love to get to know you better.”

Harvey’s eyes dart to him, his smile nothing but genuine, before settling on Mike, who gives him a hesitant look.

“You did want to meet him,” he points out.

“Yeah. Yeah, no, that sounds like a great idea. Let’s do that.”

“Great!” Charlie beams. “How about next week? You and Harvey can figure out a day, he knows when I’m free. And if there’s anything in particular you’re in the mood for, just let us know.”

“Oh, I’m not a picky eater. Anything’s fine.”

“Uh-oh,” Harvey mutters when Charlie lights up. “You just gave him free rein. Just remember that you brought this upon us.”

“Like you don’t enjoy my cooking,” Charlie points out, his grin as wide as his face.

“A little too much,” Harvey mutters, glancing at the softness that has gathered on his belly since they started dating.

Following his eyes, Mike’s lips twitch.

“Alright, we’ll figure something out. It was nice meeting you, Charlie. I guess I’ll see you next week.”

“Likewise. Looking forward to it!”

Mike nods, waving quickly before he turns on his heels. Harvey shows him out, then returns to find Charlie’s eyes on him, the corner of his mouth lifted.

“Sorry that took so long. Did you get anywhere with your composing?”

“Don’t worry about it. And I did, as a matter of fact. I’ll play it for you next time you’re at my place.”

“Great. Can’t wait.”

Charlie is a talented guitarist, and Harvey never gets tired of listening to him. He still doesn’t understand why he didn’t pursue a career in music at some point. He definitely has the skills for it.

Fidgeting with his hands, Harvey hesitates before asking, “So, what do you think? About Mike.”

“He seems like a cool guy. Very funny. I can see why you like having him around.”

“Yeah. He is.”

“And you weren’t exaggerating about his memory. Pretty impressive.”

“Oh, he can do a lot more than that. You haven’t seen anything yet. Makes me feel pretty old with my regular brain sometimes.”

Charlie grins. “Come on now. There’s nothing regular about your brain, darling.”

It’s the pet name as much as the softness of his voice that puts an involuntary smile on Harvey’s face.

“You’re ridiculous,” he informs him.

Charlie sends a kiss in his general direction before returning his attention to his notebook.

Harvey picks up Mike’s glass to take it to the kitchen, then stops, pursing his lips.

“Is it weird? That he’s back?”

Charlie looks up, regarding him quietly. “It’s not if it isn’t for you.”

“Right,” Harvey mutters.

Charlie considers him before closing his notebook and getting up.

“Look, we’ve always been honest with each other. If this is too weird for you, if you want some distance to figure things out – just let me know. I don’t blame you for having a past, because… you and me both, and it’s not exactly your fault that your past is suddenly very present again.”

He shrugs. “But that’s alright with me. I know where we stand with each other. We’re in a good place, and I trust you to keep being honest with me if anything changes about that. That’s all I need.”

Watching him closely, Harvey shakes his head when he comes to stand before him.

“I don’t need distance. There’s nothing to figure out.”

There isn’t. Because nothing’s changed, has it? Mike may be back, but he’s still as unattainable as he ever was. The less platonic feelings Harvey has for him may be more present now that he’s here again, but it’s not like he doesn’t have enough practice handling them. There’s space for both his devotion to Mike and his feelings for Charlie in him. And as long as Charlie knows that and doesn’t have a problem with it, everything’s just fine.

He cocks his head, allowing his doubts to dispel.

“I’m very lucky to have met you.”

Charlie smiles. “You’ve said that before. And I told _you_ before, it goes both ways.”

Placing a hand on his cheek, he kisses him briefly.

“Love you.”

Harvey chases his lips, allowing himself to linger a little, drawing comfort from the touch.

“I love you too.”

He _is_ lucky, he’s very aware of that. Lucky to have such an understanding partner. Lucky that this messy situation doesn’t have to turn into something weird.

_It’s not if it isn’t for you._

Well, good. That settles it. It’s not weird.

It most definitely isn’t.

*

It doesn’t have to be weird, Harvey reminds himself when the knock on the door reveals that Mike has arrived, more punctual than he’s ever known him to be.

“I should have known food would be a good incentive to get you to be on time,” he greets him.

Mike rolls his eyes. “Hello to you too.”

Harvey glances at his hands. “What’s this?”

“I, uh, wanted to bring something and I didn’t wanna get wine for obvious reasons, so… dessert.”

“That’s- nice. You didn’t have to, though. Charlie made enough to feed a family of six.”

“Well, you can never have too much dessert.”

Harvey eyes the container more closely.

“Did you _make_ that? Yourself?”

“What, you think I can’t produce anything edible?”

“I wouldn’t know, since you’ve never done that before in all the time we’ve been friends.”

He steps aside to let him in, continuing once he’s closed the door, “You could have just brought wine. Charlie and you could have shared it.”

“You think it’s that bad, huh? Your faith in my culinary skills is staggering.”

“I’m sure it’s great. Just put it somewhere in the kitchen for now. If you can find a free spot, that is.”

Following him inside, Mike stops short when he sees the multitude of pots and bowls awaiting him.

“Whoa. This is… a lot.”

“I warned you,” Harvey mutters. Charlie turns around at their voices, removing the towel he threw over his shoulder with a smile.

“Hey, Mike! Great to see you again. I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Yeah, you too. This all looks amazing.”

Charlie beams. “I hope you’re hungry. You want something to drink? We have alcohol too if you’re so inclined.”

Mike’s eyes fall on the glass of water next to Charlie on the counter.

“Just some soda will be fine, thanks,” he decides.

Nodding, Charlie hands him a glass, then notices the container he’s still holding.

“Oh, you brought something?”

“Yeah, just… a bit of dessert. Some fruit and whipped cream.”

“That’s great! Thank you so much. The more, the merrier.”

“Isn’t that about people?” Harvey asks doubtfully.

Charlie shrugs. “Applies to food too. That way, there’s always something for everyone.” He looks at Mike. “Harvey told me you pretty much eat everything, so we have all kinds of things. Fish, meat, vegetarian stuff and some vegan dishes too. My sister’s almost fully plant-based these days, so we’re trying to broaden our range.”

“Sounds good, yeah. I’m sure I’ll find something, it all smells great.” He blinks at the selection. “You didn’t have to go to all that trouble though. This is way too much.”

Charlie just waves his hand.

“Don’t worry, I had lots of fun with it. I don’t do this regularly, but when I cook for someone for the first time I like to make a little buffet. See what they enjoy most.”

“Not that he’ll settle for something simpler the second time around,” Harvey adds with a pointed glance in his direction.

Charlie waves his spoon before his face.

“You’re the last person to complain when I get busy in the kitchen. Though I can’t take all the credit here,” he adds, turning to Mike. “I may have chosen what we’re having, but Harvey helped out a lot.”

Mike lifts his eyebrows. “You cooked?”

“No need to sound so surprised. Bit rich coming from you, isn’t it?”

“Hey, I made dessert!”

“For the first time in ten years, yes.”

Mike huffs. “With that attitude, it’s gonna be the last time too.”

He glances at Charlie when he laughs, briefly smiling too.

“Alright, I think we’re ready. Let’s get started before everything gets cold.”

They sit down, Charlie and Harvey where they usually eat, Mike to his right, and Harvey, once again finding himself between the two of them, does his best not to acknowledge how strange this situation is.

It’s not weird if he doesn’t make it weird.

Dinner proves to be… interesting. Slightly unnerving for Harvey, but of course he isn’t about to let that show. Years of practicing the law have taught him how to keep his emotional responses under wraps, and in time the tension of hoping that Charlie and Mike will get along eases when he realizes that there’s nothing to worry about.

Mike’s eyes wander over the selection of food as he fills his plate, narrowing his eyes.

“These are all Jewish dishes, aren’t they?”

“They are,” Charlie agrees, a pleasantly surprised smile on his lips. “My family’s Jewish. We’re not very religious or traditional, but these recipes are the one thing we’re all actively holding on to. My dad’s love language is cooking. He taught my sister and me how to make all this by the age of nine.”

“Sounds like he’s got his priorities straight.” Mike takes a bite, his eyebrows rising. Charlie’s smile widens at the sight. “Wow, okay. This is amazing. Seriously amazing.”

“Glad you like it. In fairness, thirty years of practice and then some will teach you a thing or two.”

“I’ll say,” Mike mutters. “So cooking’s kind of a big deal for you, huh?”

“Yeah. I definitely got that from my father.”

“Except that he’s even worse than you,” Harvey points out.

“Oh, yeah.” Charlie laughs. “He totally is. When Harvey met my family for the first time, he went home with enough leftovers for the next three days.”

“It was almost a week, actually. That happens every time I see them, by the way.”

“Does it,” Mike says. “And is that often? That you see them?”

“Every once in a while.” Harvey shrugs. “Charlie sees them more often. Functional families do exist, apparently.”

“It’s not that we don’t have our problems,” Charlie says. “But we always figure it out at the end of the day. We’re pretty close, which I know isn’t a given, so I really appreciate it. It’s been great, introducing Harvey to them. You should hear the discussions my dad and he have over dinner.”

“All in good fun,” Harvey adds. “The man has a way with words, it’s incredible.”

Mike hums noncommittally.

“My sister likes to needle him about his work. She went to law school for a year before deciding it wasn’t for her after all. And my nieces love him too. He’s much better at playing sports with them than I am, and I’ve been doing it on a semi-regular basis for the past five years, give or take.”

Fixing him with a look, Mike remarks, “Sounds like you’ve built quite the rapport with them.”

Harvey glances at him. “I have, yeah. They’ve made it very easy for me. They’re great people.”

“Isn’t that lovely. Pass me the coke, please?”

Harvey meets Charlie’s gaze, who just lifts his eyebrows.

“Sure. There you go.”

He passes him the bottle, trying not to read more into the short silence that follows than he needs to.

They continue eating. 

It’s not weird, for the most part.

“So, Charlie, what do you do for a living?” Mike changes the subject, his voice betraying nothing.

“I’m a teacher.”

“Damn, really? I have a lot of respect for that.”

“At a high school, too,” Harvey adds, shaking his head. “Can you imagine?”

“Yeah, I’d rather not.”

Charlie chuckles. “It’s not all bad. Very challenging, for sure, but all the more rewarding when you get through to a student.”

“I bet. I wouldn’t have the patience to endure all the rest that comes with it, but… kudos to you. Someone’s gotta do it, right?”

Charlie shrugs. “I don’t feel like it’s an obligation. I like my work.”

“Good for you. It’s certainly not for everyone.”

“Mike taught for a while,” Harvey tells him, only now remembering that they have that in common.

“Oh?” Charlie frowns. “Before you two met?”

Pushing a piece of potato around on his plate, Mike says, “No. After, uh, prison. I’m guessing you know the story?”

He nods. “I’ve heard, yeah.”

“I gave him the director’s cut,” Harvey elaborates, just to clarify. He told him the whole story early on, because they agreed to be honest and he didn’t want to keep secrets from him, even if they were in the past.

Mike’s eyes flicker to him.

“Hm. Anyway. I didn’t know what to do after I got out, so I tried my hand at different things that came up. Not that many opportunities arise once you have a record, but this teaching gig was one of them. Might have been my shortest job ever.” He shrugs. “It just didn’t really work out for me. Not that anything after that did,” he adds under his breath.

Charlie takes a bite of fish, tilting his head as he chews.

“I heard you went to that firm in Seattle because they did pro bono work and that’s what you really wanted to do.”

Harvey told him that. He chooses to believe that was the reason he left, not because he couldn’t get away from him fast enough. Ever since he got out of prison, that seems to be what all of his actions have been about.

Not that Harvey blames him for it.

“Didn’t that work out for you?”

Mike smiles tightly. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

Looking up, Harvey lowers his spoon. “I thought that was because of your divorce.”

“For the most part. But- I don’t know. The firm wasn’t gonna work out either, even if that hadn’t been going on at the same time.”

Now what is that supposed to mean?

“But the work was good, wasn’t it?” he digs deeper. Mike’s jaw clenches, his knuckles turning white around his fork.

“I mean… yeah, but at what cost, you know? Like, if you’re doing something bad so you can do something good, doesn’t that cancel it out?”

What on earth is he talking about?

“Mike,” Harvey says, waiting until he’s looking at him, his lips pinched. “What the hell happened?”

He exhales quietly. “When I say it wasn’t gonna work out, I don’t just mean for me. I mean in general. I should have seen it earlier, I should have realized when Andy showed up out of nowhere to recruit me for this firm focused on pro bono work with seemingly bottomless funds, but I- I mean, I wanted it to be legit, right? It was everything I could ask for, almost too good to be true. Well, turns out it was. I don’t have any hard proof, but- I know. Andy did some fucked up shit behind the scenes, and it was getting harder to hide by the day when I left.”

He gives Harvey a wry smile.

“Turns out it was a good thing you didn’t stay. You probably would have been looking for a new job before long.”

Harvey frowns. “That bad?”

Sighing, Mike nods. “To be honest, I think I jumped ship at the right time. I’d be surprised if the firm still existed a year from now.”

“Jesus, Mike. I’m sorry that happened.”

“Yeah. I mean, it is what it is, right? And I’m back here now, actually getting to do pro bono work that helps people for a good percentage of my time, so that’s not the worst thing in the world.”

“Definitely not.” Charlie gives him an encouraging smile. “Sounds like that did work out for you, even if not in the way you expected. Was it strange, coming back to where you started out?”

“Well, a little. But everyone’s been really welcoming, even those I didn’t expect it from. I haven’t exactly given everyone a reason to be happy about my return,” he adds at Charlie’s look.

He knows that story too, from Harvey’s side as well as Samantha’s, but just nods. Noticing that Mike has put down his fork, tracing the rim of his glass instead, he remarks, “Don’t tell me you’re done already.”

Mike glances down, then flashes him a smile.

“Just taking a break.”

“Alright, take your time. Just don’t feel like you need to hold back. We have more than enough.”

Maybe it’s just Harvey’s imagination, but Mike’s smile looks a little strained.

“So what kind of pro bono cases are you working on?” Charlie wants to know. “Is there a particular area you’ve specialized in, or do you just take them as they come?”

It’s probably a way of distracting him from their previous conversation, but it works.

Mike tells him about his cases, past and present, the frown gradually fading from his face right up until he finishes.

“That’s amazing. You can tell how passionate you are about this kind of work,” Charlie says. “Just from the way you talk about it.”

Mike lets out a deep breath, nodding.

“It’s what I always wanted to do. That’s why I was so happy to buy into the crap Andy told me about this amazing new firm. And- obviously I’ve thought about this, and I stand by my decision to leave because staying would have been all kinds of morally fucked up, but at the same time… all those people I could have helped. All the good I could have been doing. It all slipped away, and giving up that opportunity when you know you could have done so much more with it, even if it would have been in all the wrong ways, that’s not an easy thing to come to terms with, you know?”

Harvey listens quietly, taking a moment to process the realization growing in his mind, the pieces slotting together before his eyes to reveal a picture that finally makes sense.

He gets it now.

Why Mike returned from Seattle having unlearned how to play by the book, why all of his methods practically screamed _out of bounds_ all of a sudden. Why he came back as a great lawyer, but not as a good one.

He clearly learned from the best.

How much shit did he do before his conscience wouldn’t let him continue anymore? How many rules did he break, how many laws, justifying it to himself because it was in the name of good before he couldn’t keep it up any longer?

He supposes it’s a lucky turn of events that he got to that point at all, that he remembered who he used to be before all this, before Andy Forsyth recruited him and used him for his own purposes, whatever the hell they are.

But that’s Mike for you. He may not always get it right on the first try, or even the second or third, but he bounces back. He doesn’t let himself be silenced so easily.

The sense of pride washing over Harvey as he looks at him is painfully sharp and clear, making him feel, for the first time in months, like he’s actually seeing him.

“I understand,” he says, and he really does. “But you’re forgetting one thing. If you felt like it wasn’t going anywhere, then there’s no doubt in my mind that it wasn’t. If _you_ couldn’t turn things around, then the firm is a lost cause. You can’t tell me you left any stones unturned. I’m not buying it.”

Mike swallows. “No. I didn’t.”

“There you go. You’re a great lawyer, Mike. One of the best I know. This is the only decision you could have made, and it was the right one.”

Mike’s throat bobs again. He doesn’t speak, but the small smile he offers him is genuine, and when Harvey returns it with a nod, his shoulders relax. Rubbing his arm, he looks around the table before reaching for the plate of borekas, slowly resuming his eating.

“Also, let me just add that if you’re not satisfied with our deal, if we need to go over the percentage of pro bono work and adjust it, then let me know. This is nothing we can’t talk about.”

Mike meets his eyes, bowing his head in acknowledgement.

“I appreciate that.”

“Of course. Your contributions to the firm and our clients are invaluable. You should be able to work on your own terms in return.”

_And I want you to be happy._

Maybe it’s too soon to say that, maybe it always will be, but Harvey hopes he knows it nevertheless.

“Of course. Now that I’m carrying the firm on my back, you’d be hard-pressed if I left you to do it on your own again.”

“Oh, I’m sure he’d manage just fine,” Charlie says gently, putting his hand on Harvey’s when he meets his eyes. “Not that he’ll need to, from the sound of it. Looks like your return was the best thing for everyone, Mike.”

Mike nods absently, his eyes flickering to their joined hands.

“I’m flattered you keep saying that I’m such a great lawyer when you’ve never even seen me in action. Most of what you know about my working life, you’ve heard from my own mouth.”

Charlie smiles. “So? I trust you not to deceive me about your skills.”

Harvey huffs out a quiet laugh, squeezing his hand before he lets go. He looks at Mike, already expecting the next snide remark about his abilities, but to his surprise there is no trace of amusement or mockery on his face.

“I mean, you are. A good lawyer.” He clears his throat. “You’re a great one.”

Harvey raises his eyebrows, a teasing response already on the tip of his tongue, but something about Mike’s pursed lips and his lowered gaze makes him change his mind.

“Thank you,” he just says, and when he glances up to catch his smile, the corner of his mouth lifts too.

Dinner continues uneventfully. Harvey has to stop eating at one point if he wants to try the smaller, but equally tempting dessert selection too, and once they’re all done, Charlie gets up to clear the table.

“Oh no, please, stay put,” he instructs when Mike rises as well, and he hesitates before sinking back down on his chair.

Harvey carries the rest of the dishes to the kitchen, waiting behind Charlie before leaning past him to set the plates down. Charlie turns around, smiling when he finds him so close, using the opportunity to leave a quick peck on his cheek.

The corner of Harvey’s mouth lifts too, and he stops him with a hand on his shoulder when he moves to squeeze past him, leaning in for a proper kiss, short but sweet. When Charlie pulls back, there’s a contemplative look in his eyes.

“Hm.”

“What?”

“I think I just had an idea for a new melody.”

Harvey laughs and shakes his head, the sound fading when he turns around and his eyes fall on Mike.

He’s looking straight at them, and their eyes meet before he drops his gaze, wrapping his hands around his glass as he stares ahead.

There was a time when Harvey could read the tension in his shoulders, when he knew what put it there in the first place and, more importantly, how to dispel it.

So much about Mike is an enigma to him these days. His chest tightens at the thought, and he swallows as he returns to the table, wondering what he ought to say before it occurs to him that he can just ask.

“Hey. You alright?”

“Hm? Yeah, of course. Just thinking.”

Looks like a rather complicated thought from where he’s sitting, but before he can say anything else Charlie returns, oblivious to their exchange. Mike sits up with an indiscernible sigh, his features carefully neutral. Whatever it was seems to have passed, so Harvey lets it slide.

It’s weird, sometimes.

But altogether it’s not, and that’s what he chooses to focus on. Altogether it’s a fun evening, even if it’s a little bumpy sometimes, but Mike is still trying and it works more often than not.

They sit together until it gets dark, enjoying dessert as they talk – Mike’s contribution, simplistic as it is, actually ends up being very enjoyable – and Harvey finds himself relieved that they navigated the night without incidents and regretful to see it come to an end at the same time when Mike announces his departure.

“My boss will kill me if I show up late tomorrow morning,” he says when Charlie asks if he doesn’t want to stay, throwing him a pointed look.

“He would be right in doing that.”

Mike huffs. “Still a hardass.” Turning to Charlie, he stuffs his hand in his pocket and lifts his shoulders. “Hey, thanks for the nice night. Especially the food. I appreciate all the work you put into this.”

He just shakes his head. “Like I said, no trouble at all. I’m glad you liked it. You sure you don’t want to take any more leftovers with you?”

Mike lifts the plastic bag in his other hand, raising his eyebrows. “I think that’s about all I can carry. Thank you though.”

“Alright. I’m happy we finally got to know each other better, Mike.”

“Yeah. Definitely.” He glances at Harvey, licking his lips. “Thank you too.”

“Anytime.”

“Bye, Mike,” Charlie calls when Harvey goes to show him out. “Take care. Let’s do this again soon.”

“Sure, yeah. That’d be great.”

Once he’s seen Mike off, not without a final quip about showing up on time at the office tomorrow, Harvey returns to the kitchen where Charlie has started putting the rest of the leftovers away.

“You have to take some of this home with you. Or come over for dinner tomorrow. I can’t eat this by myself.”

“Oh no. I’ll have to visit my charming and handsome boyfriend again, for the second day in a row. How will I cope?”

Harvey rolls his eyes, a smile tugging at his lips. He joins him in taking care of the food, cluttering around the kitchen in comfortable silence for a while, hanging after his thoughts.

“What did you think?” he eventually breaks the quiet.

Charlie glances up. “About tonight?”

“Yeah. And about Mike.”

“I had a nice time. He’s good company. What did _you_ think?”

Harvey lets out a deep breath.

“It’s-“ He stops, then settles on, “It went well. I had a good time too. But sometimes, he’s… I don’t quite know what’s going on in his head anymore. Or how to get through to him. You noticed what I’m talking about too, didn’t you?”

“I did. But those were just moments. Overall it seems to be going well, doesn’t it? A lot better than what it used to be before, from what you told me.”

“Oh yeah, definitely. It’s just strange to not know what’s going on with him anymore. But I know he’s trying. And I think we’re on the right path.”

“I think so too,” Charlie agrees. He leans against the counter, tilting his head. “As trite as it sounds, I believe he’s doing the best he can. This is just where he’s at right now.” He purses his lips. “He strikes me as someone who has a lot on his mind. A lot on his shoulders, too.”

“Yeah,” Harvey agrees quietly. “I think he does.”

He just wishes he knew what it is.

Charlie smiles. “A good time for him to patch things up with a friend, then. And as long as it’s the right thing for you too, there’s nothing wrong with meeting people halfway.”

“You’re right.”

“Yeah. That happens, occasionally.”

Huffing, Harvey smiles when Charlie steps closer. “You’re selling yourself short.”

“Am I?” He hums, leaning in to bring their lips together. “Wanna remind me of just how good I really am?”

They kiss again, Harvey’s arm coming around his waist, Charlie’s sliding down to his hip.

“Hmm. Tempting as this is, I think I’d better head to bed soon. Mike was right, we’ve got an early start tomorrow.”

“Of course. Rain check, then.” Charlie places a final kiss on his lips, lingering, then steps back. “Don’t let me keep you. I’ll see you tomorrow for dinner? Same time?”

Harvey nods. “Look forward to it.”

“Me too. Sleep well.”

Pecking his cheek, Charlie turns to grab his bag and gives him a wave as he heads out. Harvey only wipes down the counters before he gets ready for bed, but tired as he is, it still takes him a while until he manages to fall asleep.

Mike is at the firm before him the next morning, throwing a pointed look at the clock when Harvey walks past his office.

“Did someone have a late night?”

Despite the fact that nothing happened, Harvey gives back, “If you wanted to hear about my sex life, Mike, all you had to do was ask.”

Something passes over his face, too quick to catch. “I’ll keep that in mind,” he says after a slight pause.

“Great. Now that we got that out of the way, I need to borrow you for an hour or two if possible. The sooner, the better. Just meet me in my office when you’re ready.”

Mike nods, joining him not five minutes later.

“What do you need me for?”

Harvey nods at the stack of files he’s already put on the table by the sofa. “I have to go through every labor contract in there, figure out if there are any differences, and if there’s a pattern to them if there are. Since it’s urgent, I figured I’d ask you to make yourself useful.”

He wasn’t going to, initially, but the case _is_ rather pressing.

It’s not that he doesn’t want to work with Mike. He loves working with him, always has, and nothing’s changed about that.

It’s just that Mike’s been on his mind a lot. Even more so after their dinner last night and how he couldn’t fall asleep thinking about what he told him about Seattle, never mind all the things he _hasn’t_ told him.

It would probably benefit him to bring some space between them, just to clear his head.

Once they’re through with this, then.

Mike smiles, unbuttoning his jacket as he sits down. “So you need my help because I’m better than you.”

“I’m asking for your help because it’ll save my client and me some time, and because I’m your boss and it’s your job to help me.”

“I’m not hearing you deny what I said.”

“Are you gonna get to work or what?”

Mike smirks, but settles in with the first file.

Harvey can tell that he’s found something when he leans in at some point, scribbling on a piece of paper as he speeds through the contracts.

Half an hour later, he presents him with a list of all deviations, neatly put into categories that will save Harvey an all-nighter at least, if not more.

“This is great. Thanks, Mike. Now it’s just a matter of putting together the pieces and making a case.”

“Want me to give you a hand with that too?”

Harvey hesitates briefly, then shakes his head. “No, I got it. You can go back to your own cases. Thanks again.”

“No problem. I’ll be in my cubbyhole if you need me.”

Harvey huffs and shakes his head. His smile fades quickly once Mike has disappeared, and he sighs quietly, rubbing his face.

He definitely needs some distance. He’s gotten too involved again, too close.

He can’t be this close anymore.

It’s an unpleasant thought, going against every instinct he has, telling him to spend as much time with Mike as he can, to appreciate that he even _wants_ to be near him again.

Harvey is just going to have to shut them out until the desire fades, for his own sake. This is for the best, even if it doesn’t feel like it.

The idea puts him in an unpleasant mood, but he doesn’t have much time to ponder it. He’s barely gotten to work when the door to his office opens and Donna strides in.

She usually only shows up here on business, but when nothing comes, he asks, “Can I help you?”

She closes the door behind her, tilting her head. “Just checking in.”

“Alright?”

“I heard you had a bit of a dinner party.”

For an inconspicuous sentence like that, she’s making it sound an awful lot like a reproach.

A snarky remark is on the tip of his tongue in an instant, but he swallows it down, unable to bring himself to say it.

It’s true, what he told Mike. They _are_ friends again, but it’s still strange, and he’s still not comfortable fighting with her like they used to before, too afraid of what might come out if he breaks the levee of peace they’ve managed to build.

It’s a fragile peace, he knows that, soaked in his guilt and her barely concealed anger that still simmers beneath the surface. Harvey knows she blames him for the outcome of their marriage. He blames himself too, more for marrying her in the first place than anything else, but maybe they’ll never see eye to eye on that and it doesn’t really matter anyway.

They both regret how things turned out, which is the bottom line and the common ground they’ve built their new, more distant relationship on. Harvey finds himself reluctant to jeopardize that after all the hard work they put into it.

“Yes,” he just says, lifting an eyebrow. “I’d invite you along sometime, but I think we’ve established that you have little desire to spend your time with my boyfriend and me.”

“This isn’t about me,” Donna says, waving her hand. “It’s about Mike. I noticed you two spending a lot of time together. Best buddies again, are you?”

“We’ve… talked, yeah. He said he wants to be part of my life again, so we’re giving it a shot. What’s the big deal?”

“And you think that’s a good idea, hm?”

Harvey frowns, shutting his laptop. “What are you talking about?”

She lets out something like a laugh, harsh and devoid of any real humor.

“I’ve considered you many things over the years, Harvey. But I never took you for a fool.”

His eyebrows rise. “Excuse me?”

“Are you really going to make the same mistake again? Our marriage wasn’t enough for you to learn your lesson?”

“What the hell are you saying?”

“You know what I’m saying. If you don’t watch out, you’re going to walk into the same goddamn trap that ruined us by the name of Mike Ross. _Don’t_ try to tell me I’m wrong,” she says when he opens his mouth. “I’m not stupid, Harvey, and I’m not blind. I’ve seen you pine after him for years, but I was naïve enough to think you had it under control. That it wouldn’t come between us. And that was my mistake, because as soon as I asked you to move back to New York and leave him behind again, you decided that this marriage wasn’t going to work out.”

It wouldn’t have worked out anyway. But if she doesn’t understand that at this point, maybe she never will.

It’s exhausting, this never-ending mess their relationship turned into. And now she’s dragging Mike into it, and Harvey’s patience is wearing very, very thin.

“Look, Donna, I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve with this, but you can’t just come into my office and pick a fight about our relationship in the middle of the workday. Not to mention that I don’t want to talk to you about this anymore. We’ve said what we needed to say. It’s done.”

“I’m not picking a fight, I’m just telling you how it is. And I’m only saying this because, despite everything, I only want what’s best for you.”

“You’re too generous,” he remarks dryly.

“Are you seriously going to get worked up over this? Do you know what it took for me to walk in here and give you advice so you don’t mess up your new relationship?”

Yeah, well, he didn’t ask her to.

He does see where she’s coming from though, in a twisted sort of way. And while tact is something else, he can see how, in her mind, this is all coming from a place of concern.

None of them ever learned how to talk to each other constructively. As much as it annoys him, he can’t exactly blame her for that.

Deflating, he suppresses a sigh. “Look, it’s fine, Donna. Not that it’s any of your business, but everything is fine. Things are very different now.”

“Not all of them though,” she points out. “Mike is back, after all. And everything’s just as it used to be, isn’t it?”

It’s very much not, but in some ways it sure as hell feels like it, and it’s not like he didn’t think the exact same thing not half an hour ago.

Trust Donna to put her finger in the wound and press where it hurts.

“You’ve made your point,” he says through his teeth. “If you’d let me get back to work now…”

“Fine. Have it your way.” She turns to go, stopping with a hand on the door. “Denial is a powerful weapon, Harvey. But take it from me, it will only get you so far. Things may be different, and you may have changed in the past year too, but you haven’t changed that much. Mike is still your weak point. Just make sure that doesn’t cause your downfall one day.”

She walks out without another word, shutting the door behind her with a pronounced click. Harvey is left to look after her in silence, his hands balled into fists, his heart pounding, and yearning for a drink like he hasn’t in ages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve been told that Harvey drinks a lot more post season 7 (even more than before), so I wanted to incooperate that into this fic and address it properly.
> 
> I did not, however, want to address the whole Faye thing because I’m not here to fix the plot (where to start), so the little throwaway line about Harvey somehow magically fixing things with her is as far as I'll go with that. But hey, this is set in the Suits universe, so if you're here then you're already used to willingly suspending your disbelief ;)


	3. Chapter 3

So things are a bit weird.

Generally speaking, things are actually going well for a change. Mike has refurbished almost the entire apartment by now, leaving it looking a lot less perfect and a lot more like home.

And it’s starting to feel like it, too. Waking up here every morning, reclaiming the space to put his own spin on it, and relearning his way around have done the trick of making him feel less like a visitor and more like he belongs here. He’s settled in well, at home and at work, even getting used to his smaller office – he likes to work in Harvey’s whenever he has an excuse to do so just to make a point, which is not as often as it used to be, seeing as only a small percentage of their cases collide these days, but that’s fine.

Generally speaking, everything’s fine.

Looking at the details, he’s not so sure that it is though.

It’s not that he can tell what it is, but something’s just… off. Day after day, he goes through the motions, getting reacquainted with the firm and the people and the city, and it should have become routine by now, it _is_ routine, but he still feels somewhat uneasy doing it.

There’s a strange hollow sensation in his stomach that refuses to fill up with whatever he’s lacking, and not knowing what it is he needs, there’s hardly anything Mike can do to change that.

He’s missing something.

He’s missing quite a few things, maybe.

It’s like there are still empty spaces in between the framework that makes up his life, like he’s built a house and it’s doing the trick of keeping him warm and dry, but there are no connecting doors, no decorations, no pictures on the walls.

He thought it might ease in time, when his actual home was finished, a space that is just for him, _by_ him, but the apartment is all done and Mike is still looking for something he has no idea how to find.

The absence of something, of course, is a lot harder to pinpoint than its presence, than an excess of some kind that slowly smothers you until you can’t breathe anymore.

He’s been there. This is different. This is a lot trickier to figure out.

But maybe that’s just part of it. He’s been through some things in recent years, after all, things people would probably consider significant life events, things he thought he’d always have and no longer does.

That’s bound to take a while to make peace with.

And who knows, maybe there is no _peace_ in the usual sense of the word. Maybe there’s just this; going on because that’s what you have to do, regardless of how it feels. Maybe he’ll always walk around with a hole inside him now and never find out how to close it.

Fine, then. Not that much of a difference to how he’s been living his life before he came back.

Mike has long given up the notion of happiness. He’s just trying to get by.

At least with Harvey things are going well, which is the one area of his life he doesn’t find himself apathetic about right now. They are very much still in the process of picking up the pieces of what broke between them, but they’re making progress. They hang out, they talk. He’s met his boyfriend, _Charlie_ , and he’s slowly starting to get used to the idea of Harvey with him.

He knows what that’s about, of course. He doesn’t exactly have a problem with it, and certainly not because Charlie is a guy – would be pretty rich from someone who considers himself a two on the Kinsey scale.

It’s just that he sort of used to have those kinds of feelings. For Harvey. Maybe still does, hard to tell. Because yeah, he loves him. Of course he loves him, that’s a given.

Does it really matter in what way?

He doesn’t even know what way it is himself, what way it used to be. He never really paid much attention to it. Sure, he was attracted to him, thought about him in ways he didn’t think about any of his other friends, and he felt deeply for him, cared about him, most certainly loved him. But it was the same from Harvey’s side, at least on the last part, which made it _normal_ , which just made it the way they were with each other, and that was fine. There were other things to worry about.

It could never lead anywhere, after all, and he had Rachel to focus on, so he accepted that those feelings existed but firmly put them aside nevertheless, simply refusing to think about them in more detail.

He never _had_ to think about them. Never had to actively deal with them, because it was safe, wasn’t it? Nothing could ever come of it, Harvey could never feel that way, it was never going to happen. It was a fantasy, a dream, his little secret; hopeless but protected. He couldn’t get rid of it, but he wouldn’t ever have to do anything about it, not a damn thing.

How wrong he was, in so many ways.

Though the outcome’s pretty much the same. He may not be preoccupied with trying to build a future with Rachel anymore, the one he thought he was supposed to have, and Harvey may be into men after all, but he’s with Charlie now, and even if he weren’t, it’s not like he ever suggested he’d like to take their friendship to the next level.

He just doesn’t feel that way about him. He very much feels that way about Charlie, as he’s witnessed several times now, and Mike doesn’t know what the hell he feels when he thinks about that, but if he’s finding it hard to deal with this whole situation, that’s no one’s business but his own.

And anyway. He’s getting used to it. He could hardly be expected to jump for joy as soon as he heard the news, and he’ll adjust to them in time.

It’s a process, like Harvey and him finding their way through the daunting jungle of reconciliation. Just because it’s not perfect yet doesn’t mean it never will be.

Of course, his relationship with Harvey isn’t the only one Mike wants to repair now that he’s back in New York.

It only occurs to him when Louis texts him his new address that he never even knew he moved, or where to. Ringing the bell, he grasps the plastic bag he’s carrying on one arm to keep the contents from falling over, smiling when the door opens.

“Hey, Sheila. Good to see you again.”

She smiles too, genuine and impartial, and Mike realizes how refreshing it is to meet somebody from before he _doesn’t_ need to patch things up with. Sure, Sheila and he were never close, but she’s nice, and despite everything she must have heard about him from Louis, she seems happy enough to see him. It feels good, that. Surprisingly so.

“And you, Mike. Do come in! There’s someone inside who’s very excited to meet you.”

“And I’m very excited to meet her. Thanks for having me. But before we get to the introductions, do you mind if I just… hand you this? I’d rather not carry it around any longer and risk accidentally killing it after all. These things are so impractical.”

He takes out the plant he brought, satisfied when a short inspection reveals that it survived the ride unscathed.

“But I figured it’d look nice, and since you haven’t received a housewarming gift from me yet…”

Sheila accepts the pot, eyeing the flowers appreciatively.

“You shouldn’t have. Thank you so much. This will look lovely in our bedroom.”

“Good, that’s- great. I figured white goes with anything, so it’s a safe bet. It’s a peace lily,” he supplies helpfully. “I don’t know all that much about plants, but it’s supposed to be low-maintenance and clean the air, so.”

“It’s gorgeous,” Sheila assures him. “Why don’t you go through to the living room while I put this away? It’s down the hall, on the right side. Or just follow the cooing sounds and you’ll end up in the right spot.”

He huffs. “Talkative, is she?”

“Oh, no. It’s not Lucy making those. It’s Louis.”

That sounds about right.

Following her directions, Mike steps into the living room, only getting a moment to appreciate the wide-open space before his eyes fall on the people occupying it. One of those specifically; a small, though not as tiny as expected figure standing at a drawer with her hands on the handle, staring at him with her brow furrowed.

“Mike,” Louis says, nodding at him from where he’s down on one knee to support her. “Come in, come in. It’s so nice to finally have you over.”

“Yeah, thanks for having me.” He waves his hand. “Hello, Lucy.”

“Come here, darling. Let’s say hello, hm?”

Louis straightens, picking her up when she turns to look at him.

“There we are. Sweetheart, this is Mike. Mike, meet Lucy Litt.”

“Undeniably,” Mike remarks, the scowl on her face so familiar that it’s almost comical. Taking her little fist between two fingers, he shakes it lightly. “Nice to meet you, Lucy!”

She blinks at him, her lips parted. She looks curious rather than put out, which he counts as a win. As long as she doesn’t start crying at the sight of him, he’ll take it.

“Wow. She’s so big.”

“Isn’t she? Great eater,” Louis tells him. “She switched to baby food intended for her current age months ago.”

“That’s… impressive,” Mike remarks, mostly because he doesn’t know what else to say. “And she’s just- standing around already.”

That, he actually does consider impressive. Objectively he knows what kids are like at the age of one, but somehow he still expected her to be much smaller and… more babylike.

“Oh, that?” Louis huffs, a distinct air of pride around him as he gazes at Lucy. “That was nothing. You should see her walking around the place when the mood arises, which is all the time. Sheila and I can’t get a minute to ourselves. Though we should probably count ourselves lucky that she can’t walk without our help yet to wreak havoc around here.”

“Oh, yeah. If she’s anything like her parents, you should definitely cherish the peace while you still can.”

“We are. Every stage is amazing, you know? As incredible as it is to watch her grow, I just want them all to last as long as possible.”

“That’s understandable.”

“You wanna take her? Here, hold her.”

“I- uh, yeah, alright. Sure.”

Before Mike has even finished speaking, he finds himself with his arms full of Lucy, who seems vaguely alarmed by the change of perspective, but doesn’t offer more than a few discontented sounds.

Adjusting his hold on her, Mike takes a good look up close.

He can see both Louis and Sheila in her face, though that might just be his imagination. Her eyes are big, a focused look in them that speaks of more intelligence than he expected of a toddler, but that isn’t even what sticks out most about her.

This is a fully functioning human being who is already standing and learning how to walk, looking at the world with too much determination for her own good, and she’s _adorable_.

“Aren’t you a delight,” he mutters, a smile pulling at his lips.

“She likes you,” Louis says. Mike’s eyes snap to him.

“Does she?”

He isn’t getting a particularly enthusiastic vibe from her, but if Louis says so, it must be true.

“If she didn’t, you’d know.”

Not hard to imagine that.

Encouraged, Mike starts rocking her a little, tapping the back of her hand with his finger. Still no smile, but she doesn’t seem desperate to get away from him either, instead focusing on what he’s doing.

“Oh, look who’s made a new friend,” Sheila says, joining them in the living room.

“She’s incredible,” Mike tells her, glancing up to catch the smile she exchanges with Louis.

“Indeed she is,” Louis agrees.

“Mike, would you like some coffee before we eat? Lunch is going to take a while longer.”

“Oh no, I’m good. Thanks.”

Nodding, Sheila sits down and invites him to do the same with a wave of her hand.

“Won’t she mind?”

“She’ll let you know if she does. It’s trial and error.”

“Try distracting her with one of the toys on the table if she gets grumpy,” Louis says. “She usually just wants to be occupied.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Mike mutters, sitting down gingerly before adjusting Lucy on his lap. Louis watches him entertain her with a rattle, a small smile on his lips.

“It suits you, a child.”

“Louis,” Sheila chides, and he frowns before understanding dawns on him, the look on his face leaving Mike distantly uncomfortable.

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to pour salt in any wounds.”

“No harm done,” he assures him. “I did always assume I was going to have children at some point, but… I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s still going to be part of my future. And to be honest, I don’t know if I want it to.”

He shrugs.

“I’ve always wanted a family, yes, but that doesn’t necessarily have to mean kids, you know? I mean, who knows if I’ll ever get the chance to even consider that again. Maybe I’ll never meet the right person, or I do and they won’t want children. And… that’s fine. I won’t consider my life a failure or poorer if I don’t have any.”

He glances up, briefly worried that he offended Louis, who fought so hard for this little girl on his lap.

“I mean, kids are awesome, they’re delightful, right? But they’re also a ton of work. They change everything. You need to be in the right place for that kind of commitment and responsibility. I don’t know if I could give a child what it needs right now, or anytime soon. I’d rather not have any at all before having them and messing them up.”

“I understand,” Sheila says. “It is a commitment, and a lot of work. And it can be very intimidating. I still get worried about making mistakes, messing things up with Lucy. It helps to have a partner who is very enthusiastic about sharing all parental duties, though.”

Louis nods. “My respect for single parents has skyrocketed since Lucy’s birth. It’s the most rewarding job there is, but it’s damn near impossible to get done between the two of us, some days.”

“I can imagine. I guess when you have the right person by your side and you both want it, why not? If things hadn’t gone south between us, Rachel and I definitely would have had kids too. That was the plan, right? But, well. Things didn’t exactly go according to that after we left.”

“They didn’t go all that well over here either,” Louis remarks, his brow furrowing at the memories Mike isn’t privy to.

“I know. That whole Faye thing really left a mark, didn’t it?”

“Oh, not just that. After you left, a lot of things changed. We had to regroup. Some of us more than others.”

Right. Something else he wasn’t privy to.

Swallowing, Mike hesitates before he asks, “What was it like, exactly?”

He knows his side of things, of course, knows the struggles he tried so hard not to let Rachel see, because what would that have said about this massive decision he’d been hellbent on making? He knows how unnerving it was to wake up in a city where he didn’t know anyone outside of his own apartment, to know that everyone he considered family was on the other side of the country, to realize gradually, a sickening sensation growing stronger every day, that this was nothing like he’d thought it’d be and nothing he’d ever wanted either.

But what was it like over here? He has a vague idea, could read well enough between the lines of what Harvey told him when he returned, but looking at Louis now, he’s suddenly desperate to know the full extent of it.

This isn’t something he’d ever ask Harvey himself, for entirely selfish and cowardly reasons, but god, he can’t go on with his life _not_ knowing.

He needs to face the damage he did at some point.

Louis knows what he’s asking him without having to clarify.

“It was hard,” he states plainly. “We all missed you. Not having you around at work was one thing, but not having you around as a friend either, especially when things started falling apart yet again, that was… challenging. This firm is family, right? You and Rachel were family, you still are, and letting family go is always painful. But it’s what you need to do, so it’s what we did. Most of us made our peace with it eventually.”

“Most of you,” Mike echoes. “You’re talking about Harvey.”

It’s not a question. There’s no need to ask.

Louis nods.

“He tried to hide it, maybe even from himself, I don’t know. But it was clear as day to anyone. Your leaving hit him hard. I thought he was finally doing better when he got together with Donna, but in hindsight that was clearly just another attempt at convincing himself he was fine.”

Mike frowns. “What are you saying? He only started seeing Donna because I left?”

“I mean, in all the time you were here, he didn’t show any interest in her. Then you left, and Jessica was gone as well, and you know how he gets about people turning their back on him – only _then_ did he start things with Donna.” Louis shrugs. “Make of that what you will, but considering how that relationship turned out, I think it’s pretty obvious what his motives were.”

“You make it sound like he used her,” Sheila points out, frowning.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying. Not at all.” He turns to Mike. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m- let’s say ninety-five percent sure he wasn’t aware of it. Ninety-eight,” he corrects. “But he wasn’t in a good place back then at all. Not until he met Charlie, actually, even though I only realized that in hindsight. His drinking got worse around that time, too,” he adds as an afterthought.

Mike only realizes that he stopped moving the rattle around when Lucy impatiently wriggles around on his lap.

He never connected those dots before.

Now he regrets that he asked, because this is somehow even worse than what he expected. The bitter taste of his shame makes him grimace, leaving him swallowing a few times before the tightness around his throat eases. It’s painful to finally understand just how hard his actions hit Harvey. In a way he knew, of course, or at least some of it, but he never let himself acknowledge the part he played in his struggles. Certainly not to this extent.

And of course Charlie was the one to pick up the pieces of what he broke. Not that Mike can take credit for all of Harvey’s issues – at least he hopes so – but he’s still the one who abandoned him while he was facing most of them, who made it all that much worse, only to come back and act like the world’s shittiest friend before disappearing off the face of the earth _again_.

He can’t even be mad at Charlie. He’s just glad Harvey had someone to lean on at all, even when it should have been him.

It should have been him.

The well of his guilt seems bottomless, but that isn’t something he can get into right now. Not here.

Clearing his throat, Mike puts the rattle down, wrapping his hands around Lucy’s middle. The warmth of her little body is a slight comfort that he’s happy to hold on to.

“Look, I never meant for any of this to happen. If I’d known it was going to turn out like this, I wouldn’t have done any of it. I can’t go back and change it, but I _can_ try to make amends. Because I am sorry. I’m sorry that I wasn’t around and didn’t even stay in touch. I can only imagine what kind of message that sent, but I promise you, it wasn’t because I didn’t care anymore. It had nothing to do with any of you and… everything to do with me. I’ll do better from now on.”

Sheila smiles a little when he catches her eyes – she’s neutral in all this, but he appreciates the encouragement – and Louis nods slowly, his eyes fixed on him.

“Thank you for apologizing. But I meant what I said. We’re family. Nothing you’ve done is unforgiveable. Far from it, actually.”

Mike swallows. “Thanks, Louis. That means a lot. I’ve not been… this hasn’t been a good time for me either. Not for a while, if I’m honest. And I realize that a lot of that is down to myself, but I’ve done a terrible job of not letting it out on everyone around me and now everything’s kind of f- messed up,” he corrects himself hastily, glancing at Lucy. The rattle has found its way into her mouth, leaving her occupied for the moment.

“Everything isn’t messed up,” Louis says, shaking his head with a frown. “You’re back at the firm. You’re back with your family. The hardest part is over now.”

There’s a lot Mike wants to say in response, that he’s very much still in the thick of it, that things with Harvey are far from patched up, that he still hasn’t talked to Rachel since he came back to New York, that the silence in his own four walls every night is so oppressive that he can’t stand it sometimes, but none of it finds its way out, and in the end he just nods.

It’s probably for the better. If he only focuses on the negative, he’s never going to get out of this hole he dug himself into.

“As for you being the problem,” Louis carries on, “trust me, I’ve been there enough times to know how frustrating it is. But let me tell you this one thing – it _can_ get better. You can work on yourself, and you can learn how to stop messing up your relationships. It’s hard work, but you’ll be glad you put in the effort in the end. I’ve learned a lot about doing that in therapy, and look where I am now. It works.”

It’s hard to tell whether it’s a casual remark or a suggestion, but Mike forces himself to suppress the instinctive urge to deny that he needs that kind of help. Louis only wants his best, and he’s opening up about things that must have been very hard for him here. The last thing Mike should do is invalidate his experiences and say that therapy is pointless.

He knows it’s not. He just never considered it for himself. It’s not for everyone, right? Sure, he never would have thought it’s for Harvey, just to name an example, but then again, the problems Harvey’s been facing are a lot bigger than his.

Mike doesn’t have any panic attacks, he’s not drinking too much. He’s fine.

“I appreciate you saying that, Louis. It really means a lot.”

He returns the smile he gives him, then makes a vague sound in the brief silence that follows.

“Well, that was a heavy conversation starter.”

Louis just shrugs. “Why make small talk when there are more important matters to discuss? We can talk about these things. That’s what friends are for, right?”

“Yeah. It is. And while it’s been great, I would love to see the rest of this place if I’m here already. It looks amazing, by the way, from what I’ve seen.”

“Thank you,” Sheila says. “It’s a lot of work, keeping it this tidy with a toddler around, I can tell you.”

“Oh, I’m sure. I only have myself to take care of, and that’s challenging enough already.”

“How I miss those times,” Sheila sighs. “Louis, do you want to show him around? I’ll check on the food in the meantime. It should be ready in about ten minutes.”

“Of course. Mike, follow me. Want me to take Lucy?”

He hands her over to Louis, not trusting the peace to last much longer, and lets Louis show him the remaining rooms.

“This is amazing,” he mutters as he trails after him, taking in the open space everywhere. There’s lots of light, big windows, the wooden floorboards and furniture giving the place a homely, comfortable feeling while never straying from the sophisticated side. “How the hell did you find this house?”

“Sheila knows someone in the business. She showed us the offer before anyone else, and we didn’t hesitate to take it once we saw it. We got lucky.”

“I’ll say. Why did you decide to look for something new in the first place?”

“Well, we lived together at my place first. But after a while we just wanted something we’d chosen and built up together, metaphorically speaking.”

“Hm. That’s a nice thought. Cheesy, but nice.”

Louis huffs. “Keep pretending, Mike. You can’t fool me.”

He chuckles.

“So this is…” he then asks, nodding towards the final door.

“Lucy’s bedroom,” Louis finishes. He opens the door wider, stepping aside to let Mike in.

“Wow. That’s bigger than my bedroom.”

“It’s actually the second largest room. We wanted her to have her own space right away, one that she could grow up in and make hers from the beginning. As hard as it is to believe, she’s going to need all this space at one point.”

“Right.”

Mike glances around, smiling at the decorations he spots, clearly chosen with care. He falters when his eyes fall on a garland on the wall, weighed down by several cards attached to it that he realizes are the ones for Lucy’s birth. He knows, because he recognizes the card Rachel and he sent amidst the rest of them right away.

He remembers what’s inside of it, the poem Rachel chose and the good wishes they thought of together, neatly brought to paper in her handwriting. He sees it before him clear as day, remembers how he signed his name before they put it in the envelope, how stark the contrast of her dainty letters and his large bowed ones was, how they danced around the subject of this baby, of starting a family, always talking about how wonderful it was for Louis and Sheila and never relating it back to themselves.

It’s a relic from another time, with another man’s signature on it, disturbingly familiar and yet jarringly removed from who he is now, what his life looks like these days.

Without consciously deciding to do so, he steps closer, reaching for the card to trace the picture on the front before he drops his hand, resisting the urge to open it. There’s no need to.

“This is really sweet,” he says when he finds Louis’ eyes on him, cracking a smile. If he can tell there’s more on his mind, he doesn’t bring it up.

Not that it makes a difference. Mike keeps thinking about it anyway.

This is the second time Rachel has been on his mind today, the fact that they aren’t talking to each other right now. Maybe he should just get over himself and do something about that. The first step may be the most intimidating one, but if neither of them ever takes it, this is all they’ll end up with.

And he finds that the possibility of that doesn’t sit right with him. They were good friends, the two of them, before they got involved and everything went to shit eventually. Maybe that’s all they were ever meant to be, and he’d really like to go back to that, if at all possible.

Harvey and Donna can do it, and they had a bit more to get past than they do. He wants that with Rachel. He wants to be her friend again.

He doesn’t want this radio silence.

“I think lunch is ready,” Louis interrupts his thoughts. “Let’s go, before madam here gets grumpy.”

They head to the kitchen, where Sheila is setting the table around a steaming baking dish that smells divine. The potato gratin is just about the best thing Mike’s eaten all week, if not longer, and he finds himself relaxing without even realizing as the conversation flows easily between them. Louis and Sheila make a peculiar pair, no doubt, but they bring out the best in each other, and they’re great company. Not to mention Lucy, who interrupts their lunch frequently to make herself heard.

Once they’ve eaten, Mike wipes his mouth with his napkin and asks, “Hey, do you mind if I take a picture of Lucy? Just to send to Rachel. I think she’d really like to see her.”

“Of course. Say hello to her from us when you do. I fully intend to have that catch-up session at some point.”

Louis takes Lucy out of her highchair, wiping the remains of her lunch off her face so Mike can snap a picture.

_Louis and Lucy say hi. They look forward to meeting you and/or catching up at some point._

He reads over the text, hesitating before he adds a smiling emoji and hits send.

She replies before Louis has even started the coffee machine.

_Oh my god, she’s huge! Give them my love, and I promise I’ll make it to NYC one of these days.  
Thanks for that picture. It’s good to hear from you, Mike._

The corner of his mouth lifts.

_I know, right? I expect her to go off to college any day now  
Yeah, you too. How are you? How are things?_

She reads the text right away, but he doesn’t check her answer until he’s said his goodbyes so he can really focus on it.

It’s nice, knowing that he has that waiting for him.

Exhaling quietly as he heads in the direction of his apartment, he takes a moment to figure out what he’s feeling.

Visiting Louis was nice too. He’s missed this, spending time with friends, getting out of his own head for a while. He’s been doing far too little of that lately.

He was more than happy to agree to come back soon before he left. It’ll probably do him a world of good, and next time they hopefully won’t breach any of the heavy subjects they talked about today.

But as much as the afternoon has left him feeling lighter, he’s also wrung-out, his thoughts circling back to what Louis told him about Harvey again and again. His stomach drops every time he remembers his words, the terrible sense they made that he should have seen before but always shut his eyes to.

Just when exactly did he become that much of a coward?

Well, probably around the same time he started contesting for the title of worst friend in the world.

He grimaces, swallowing against the wave of nausea welling up in him at the thought. He shouldn’t have eaten so much. Looks like he’ll be skipping dinner tonight.

There’s no point in dwelling on the matter, of course. What’s done is done; he can hardly go back to change it, and things are very different now. Harvey’s doing better, and as bumpy as it’s been, they’re friends again.

He didn’t think he could appreciate that any more than he already did, but finds himself almost bowing under the weight of his gratitude now.

How he ever took Harvey’s friendship for granted is beyond him. It might just be the most precious thing he has in his life right now – has had for some time, even if he didn’t realize it before. He’s not gonna make that mistake again, and he sure as hell isn’t going to let anything get between them again. Least of all the confusing feelings that have been rearing their head for some reason lately. If he can’t figure those out, then that’s his own damn problem.

He _should_ try to figure them out though. Make things easier for everyone involved. In fact, he should do something about that right now. He can’t get used to Charlie and Harvey if he never spends any time with them, and he did enjoy himself when they invited him over. For the most part.

Taking out his phone, he skips Rachel’s text – she’s written several lines rather than giving a generic answer, affirming him in his decision to reach out – and opens his chat with Harvey.

_Hey. Think you and Charlie are free for dinner sometime next week?_

Harvey reads the message right away, but takes a few seconds to respond.

_I’d have to ask him. I could definitely squeeze you in though._

Mike huffs.

_You’re too generous. Let me know what he says, I’m free every night.  
You guys can come over to my place this time, but my dinner won’t be half as impressive. Just a fair warning._

_Unnecessary, since I know all about your culinary skills, but appreciated nevertheless. Charlie will insist on cooking anyway, so don’t worry about it. I’ll let you know when he responds._

_Alright. Look forward to it._

_Me too. :)_

Mike lets out a deep breath, doing his best to quash the tight knot twisting his stomach.

This is good. This is a step forward. It’ll bring Harvey and him closer, ultimately. And if Charlie is part of that equation, then so be it.

As long as it helps mend their relationship, far be it from him to complain.

*

Working on a case with Samantha was probably inevitable. It had to happen at some point, but Mike is still less than thrilled when Harvey puts the files on his desk and tells him to meet her in her office when he’s read them.

He didn’t expect it to happen so soon, but there isn’t much he can do about that. And anyway, it’s probably for the best to get it out of the way sooner rather than later. He expects the first time to be the hardest. Hopefully, they’ll have found more common ground once they’re done with this one. And since he has to get through it to get to the end of it, there’s nothing to do but read the files, put on his best fake smile, and meet her in her office to discuss their strategy.

Of course, Samantha’s name isn’t on the wall for nothing. She’s extraordinarily good at what she does, keeping up with him as easily as she keeps him on his toes in return, and together they come up with solutions even he is impressed by.

He’d almost say it’s fun. Not as fun as it is working with Harvey, but, well. It rarely is.

How many times that thought must have crossed his mind since he left for Seattle. Rather ridiculous that it still does, now that he’s back and Harvey is just down the hall, but trying to shut it out has never gotten Mike anywhere, so he doesn’t bother to.

There are other things to focus on, anyway. If they keep up the good work, they’ll be done with this by tomorrow at the latest, leaving him more time for the pro bono he’s doing on the side right now. And Samantha may not be Harvey, and they may never become friends, but she’s still acceptable company once he gets the hang of her rough exterior.

She watches him closely, paying a little too much attention to his every move, but she’s holding back anything that could indicate she’s still holding what happened against him, so the least he can do is try the same. Like he said, a cooperation between them had to happen at some point anyway, and it’s going a lot better than he expected it to.

He just wonders why Harvey handed this case off to her instead of working on it himself.

Because this was _his_ case, initially. His client. Has been for a few years, actually. Doesn’t really make sense that he’d just abandon him now.

He probably just did it because he wanted Samantha and him to move on from their differences. Bury the hatchet for good and build up something akin to a friendly relationship. It probably doesn’t mean anything.

Does it?

No. It doesn’t. There’s no reason to believe otherwise. Things are good, even better than that. They hang out, not as often as he’d like but enough for there to be some regularity to it. Just two nights ago he had dinner with him and Charlie again, and they had a good time, they laughed together, it was all fine.

And yet, Mike still can’t shake the feeling that something’s… off.

It’s not tangible in any way, nothing he could pinpoint and confront Harvey about, and so he tells himself to forget about it, tells himself that his mind is playing tricks on him and this doesn’t mean anything.

Harvey brings him coffee when he returns from lunch after Mike mentioned intending to work through his break.

Harvey smiles when he offers him the solution to a particularly tricky problem on a silver platter.

Harvey hands another case off before asking him to work on it with Alex.

Harvey seems pleased when he asks about Charlie.

Harvey never suggests that he comes over so they can have dinner again sometime.

Okay, so maybe he’s creating problems where there aren’t any, but Mike feels like there’s definitely something off. He just can’t get behind what it is, because Harvey is perfectly nice (except when he’s being a dick, but that’s nothing new) and he doesn’t even really send any mixed signals. He’s just… maintaining his distance. It’s like Mike is allowed exactly this close and not one step farther.

What is he supposed to do with that?

He can hardly bring it up with him. Hey, Harvey, what’s that about? Why won’t you let me in? Are you really shutting me out of your inner circle or is that just my imagination? He wouldn’t even know where to start with that without sounding like a total idiot.

He keeps it to himself for the moment, trying to let what Harvey’s giving him be enough, but still paying attention to what he’s _not_ giving him, seeing if he can’t get behind his reasoning.

He hasn’t really gotten anywhere with that when he next finds himself on Harvey’s sofa, his legs curled up at his side while Harvey sits in one of the chairs. They have to do without the pleasure of Charlie’s company tonight. He’s spending the day with one friend or another who’s currently in town for some reason, Mike didn’t pay all that much attention.

Not that he minds. On the contrary. Like this, with the two of them working well into the night, hanging out afterwards even when it’s long gotten dark outside, it’s just like it used to be before he left.

Well, almost.

“I’ve been thinking,” he says, nodding towards the files on the table, “if we keep this pace up and finish ahead of schedule, we can ask Mara to come in as early as Tuesday to prepare her for the deposition.”

“Which would be good, because she can use all the preparation she can get,” Harvey agrees.

“And that’s putting it mildly. Maybe we can even aim for Monday. If we put in a few extra hours, we should be done this weekend.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

“Great. I’ll just come over tomorrow night again, we can work through it together.”

Instead of agreeing, Harvey hesitates. “Tomorrow?

“Unless you’re… not free.”

Harvey lets out a deep breath. “No, I am,” he responds, a frown creasing his forehead, sounding just about the most reluctant he has ever heard him.

And, okay, Mike didn’t want to say anything, but now he can’t _not_ do it.

Swinging his legs from the sofa, he sits up and states, “So you just don’t want me to come, then.”

Harvey blinks at him, the lines on his forehead deepening.

“What are you talking about?”

Yeah, no. He doesn’t have the patience for this. He’s had enough.

“Cut the crap, Harvey. You can just tell me if I’m getting on your nerves or, or- whatever it is that I’m doing wrong, but clearly there’s _something_. You think I haven’t noticed that you’re distancing yourself from me?”

Harvey holds up a hand. “Alright, calm down. It’s not that serious. Just because I need a little space sometimes-“

Huffing, Mike shakes his head. He doesn’t have to listen to this.

“You know what, in that case I’ll just be on my way. Wouldn’t wanna force you to spend more time with me than absolutely necessary.”

He spits the words out, wielding them like weapons. Whether they hurt Harvey or him more in the end remains to be seen.

He knows he’s not being fair, not that he particularly cares at the moment, but Harvey’s response is so sharp that he startles, sitting back down rather than leaving like he intended.

“For god’s sake, not everything I say to you is an attack, Mike. In fact, it hardly ever is, but you’re just hellbent on taking everything so goddamn personally, aren’t you? I don’t know when we stopped being able to have a civil conversation, but you can’t just get mad at me and storm out every time I say something you don’t like, or we’re never gonna get anywhere.”

He exhales slowly, the fight seeping out of him until all that remains is a bone-deep exhaustion that Mike never quite noticed before.

“It’s not always that serious, alright? Sometimes it just is what it is.”

He sounds tired beyond words, and even more so than his anger, that’s what gets Mike to listen.

He sinks back against the sofa, his jaw clenching as he shakes his head.

“Fine. Alright. You can’t be around me, but it’s not that serious. Got it.”

“Mike…”

“I get it,” he cuts him off, sounding hollow to his own ears. “Really, I do. And god knows you have every right to push me away after what I did, but I’m trying to make it up to you. To do better.” He lets out a frustrated breath. “Shit, Harvey, I’m trying so hard.”

“I know,” Harvey says quietly.

Mike looks at him, swallowing. “But it’s not enough, is it.”

Harvey runs a weary hand over his face, the look he gives him so helpless that his chest constricts at the sight.

“What do you want me to say?”

_The truth_ is on the tip of his tongue, overridden by _that you forgive me and we can come back from this_. How he wishes the two were the same thing.

In the end, he says neither. It’s Harvey who keeps talking.

“Yes, what you did hurt me. Yes, I know you’re hurting too. I see how hard you’re trying, and I _want_ that to be enough, believe me. But all of that still happened. And I’m trying too, but I can’t let myself get as close to you anymore as I did before. I don’t think I could get through that a second time.”

The honesty in his words is rattling, holding Mike in place, his heart pounding against his ribcage as he listens breathlessly, lest he misses something vital.

Harvey isn’t done yet. He’s struggling to find the right words, his chest heaving with everything he isn’t saying, but he’s making an effort to get it out there.

No more looking the other way.

“You were the framework that held everything together, Mike. When you left, nothing made sense anymore. I didn’t recognize myself. I didn’t know what the hell was going on anymore. I had this hole inside me that nothing ever seemed to fill, like you’d ripped out a part of me and taken it with you, and it was so goddamn messy to pick up the pieces of that.”

He shakes his head, closing his eyes as he frowns.

“You don’t know what your leaving did to me. And I don’t blame you for that, because a good part of it is on me, with how involved I let myself get, with- how I felt about you.”

He pauses, looking pained for the span of a heartbeat, but he doesn’t stop, doesn’t let himself hide behind his silence again.

Of course. Harvey never does anything halfway.

“But it doesn’t matter who’s to blame. All I know is that it was brutal. It changed… everything. And I can’t let that happen again.”

He pinches his lips, meeting Mike’s eyes despite how much it’s clearly costing him.

“I wish you’d never left. Maybe then we wouldn’t be sitting here and I wouldn’t have to tell you that I don’t know if it’s ever going to be enough. But you did leave, and now this is where we are.”

His shoulders lift in a shrug; powerless, defeated.

“I would have done anything to make you stay, you know. If I’d known the magic words to get you to change your mind, I would have said them. Anything you needed to hear. But you wanted to leave. You didn’t want to hear anything I had to say. And I could never take something from you that you wanted, that I thought would make you happy. So I let you go.”

His voice ebbs away, leaving behind only the faint rustling in his ears, the steady pounding of his heart the only indication of the passage of time.

In the silence following his words, Mike finds himself speechless.

Harvey’s voice echoes in his head endlessly, merciless and unforgiving, making it hard to think straight, to focus. To make sense of the chaos he just created inside him, turning just about everything upside down.

_How I felt about you._

Even if he hadn’t said that, this is the closest thing to a love confession that Mike has ever received.

“Harvey…”

His voice comes out rough, and he trails off, having no idea what to say anyway. He swallows, shaking his head silently.

“I didn’t know.”

Harvey, for some reason, smiles.

“Of course you didn’t. You weren’t supposed to.”

His fingers tap the armrest of his chair before he huffs.

“On the bright side, we never would have had a conversation this honest two years ago.”

Mike doesn’t find it in himself to acknowledge that. Is this really a good thing? Is it really worth all the pain they’ve been through?

Maybe Harvey doesn’t think so either, because he makes a quiet, negating sound, shaking his head as his eyes wander to the ceiling.

“God, this is a mess. What happened to us?”

It’s probably rhetorical more than anything, but Mike still swallows, shaking his head mutely. If Harvey can be honest, the least he can do is to try and offer him the same.

“I did,” he says quietly, sneering at himself. “I was like a goddamn hurricane, just raging my way through our lives and destroying everything in my wake.”

Harvey shifts, frowning.

“Mike-“

“No, don’t do that. Don’t try to shield me from this. We’ve both done fucked up, hurtful things to each other, but it’s about damn time I took responsibility for my own actions instead of blaming others for them. I should have gotten to this point when I went to prison, but better late than never, right?”

His humorless smile fades when Harvey doesn’t return it.

“I was a child,” he states simply. “I wouldn’t listen to reason. Let’s not pretend it was any different, because it wasn’t. We both know that.”

Harvey accepts that quietly, just bowing his head in acknowledgement.

“Usually it’s my job to roast you.”

The short laugh escaping him surprises even Mike.

“And you’re so good at it too.”

They look at each other in silence.

“Why?” Harvey then asks. There’s no need to ask for clarification, but even so Mike finds himself at a loss.

Why?

Why, Mike? Why?

He doesn’t have the answers. He doesn’t dare to look for them. There’s nothing, no words trying to push past his lips, only a blank where the answers should be, where they would be if he wasn’t such a coward.

He swallows at the weird burning sensation in his throat, thinking his heart might beat out of his chest as the silence spreads into every part of him until he becomes it, leaving him perfectly still and utterly paralyzed. He couldn’t speak even if he wanted to, couldn’t move as much as an inch.

Harvey doesn’t seem to expect him to. He just looks at him; contemplative, thoughtful, and almost unbearably sad.

“It started with prison, didn’t it? That’s when it became obvious, anyway. And I got it. I understood that you couldn’t get away from me fast enough once you got out. But then you came back, only to start lying and fighting every goddamn battle on your own. Like I wouldn’t have been there to have your back. And then you felt that you had to leave so you could be happy, and I got that too, in a way. But you weren’t happy, were you? It was even more downhill from there instead. Because you weren’t running towards something. You were running away.”

Objection, counsellor. You have to prove those allegations. Innocent until proven guilty, isn’t that how it goes?

But he doesn’t have to prove anything, not really. They both know he’s right.

Harvey leans forward in his chair, exhaling slowly.

“I think there were things you felt that you didn’t want to feel. So you shut them down. But you shut down a little too much, Mike. There are parts of you that are just… gone. I keep looking for them, because I refuse to believe you lost them entirely, but I still can’t find them.” He bows his head in concession. “Maybe that’s on me. Maybe I just don’t know how to read you anymore. But… I don’t know. I don’t recognize you sometimes.”

Mike huffs. The next breath he pulls into his lungs is painful, but it does the trick of helping him find his voice again.

“Don’t blame yourself. I don’t either.”

He digs his fingers into the sofa until his knuckles turn white.

He can’t say anything on the matter, can neither confirm nor deny, but what he can say is this.

“I’m sorry I’ve been such an asshole. I really am trying to do better. I appreciate that you put up with all this. And- if you want space, then I’ll stay away. Just let me know. You call the shots, alright?”

Harvey presses his lips together, dissatisfied.

“I don’t put up with you, Mike. That’s not what this is.”

Then what is it?

He doesn’t find the strength to ask.

“Still. Tell me if you need me to do anything. Or- not do anything and back off for a while. I promise I won’t get mad.”

Harvey lets out a deep breath, then nods. “Alright. Thank you.”

He almost laughs at that.

“Yeah. Don’t mention it.”

They both look ahead, neither of them saying anything for a while.

It’s Harvey who eventually breaks the silence. “Hey, you know how you weren’t weird about my drinking problem?”

Mike looks up, nodding mutely when he meets his eyes.

Harvey pinches his lips.

“Think we could keep that up?”

What, like he’s going to abandon him because he had feelings for him? Because he was in love with him? Like he’s going to punish him for being brave enough to tell him the truth?

Still nowhere near wrapping his head around any of that, Mike can only nod again.

Harvey’s throat bobs as he nods too, offering a small smile that he finds near impossible to return, but makes himself do anyway.

Because he needs to keep trying. They both do. And maybe, if they’re lucky, one day that’ll be enough.


	4. Chapter 4

He’s not going to be weird about it, Mike promised. And he doesn’t intend to, not at all. He hopes to god he didn’t send Harvey any strange signals, that he hasn’t made him any more uncomfortable in the wake of his confession than he already was.

But god, he can’t stop thinking about it.

Harvey used to be in love with him. Harvey _loved_ him.

In all the years they’ve known each other, the idea never even crossed his mind.

It makes so much sense though. Like, _so_ much. The longer he thinks about it, the more obvious it gets. Harvey offering to go to prison for him? Harvey asking him to point the finger at him? Harvey taking it up with Jessica just to protect him?

Harvey offering to go to _prison_ for him?

It wasn’t about loyalty. It wasn’t even about friendship.

It was because he goddamn loved him.

And Mike used to pride himself on being smart. He should have seen it sooner. Not just the big gestures that he never questioned because he would have done the same for Harvey (and isn’t _that_ peculiar in light of recent realizations), but all the little things in between too. The smiles. The touching. The flirty jokes between them. The softness in his eyes when he looked at him sometimes. The putting each other first time and time again, fighting to the death if need be, keeping each other safe at all costs.

The caring. All those times Mike teased him about it, about how obvious he was, how he clearly had a soft spot for him, and he never knew what was really behind it.

If only he’d seen it sooner.

Well, he sees it now. And that changes everything.

Although – does it?

It changes everything for Mike, yes, but in the grand scheme of things, everything’s still pretty much the same.

If he’d known before, if he’d found out at the time, maybe things would be different now. Maybe he never would have left, and Harvey never would have married Donna or met Charlie, and maybe, just maybe…

But he didn’t. And things are as they are now, and Harvey has long moved on, and Mike has no one to blame but himself for having missed his shot.

“Are you listening to me? Mike?”

Snapping out of his thoughts, Mike blinks and focuses on Harvey, who’s watching him with a frown.

“Sure,” he lies.

Harvey gives him a suspicious look, but carries on after a slight pause.

Mike does his best to actually follow what he’s saying this time, giving an appropriate response that seems to satisfy him. When he doesn’t immediately go back to work, instead staring at a point somewhere between them, Harvey lifts his eyebrows.

“Are you alright?

Mike glances back at him. “Hm? Yeah, of course. Why do you ask?”

Harvey shrugs, but regards him closely, betraying his nonchalant demeanor. “You seem distracted.”

“I’m fine. Just thinking.”

“Alright.”

Mike makes an affirming sound, pursing his lips.

“Rachel and I have been texting,” he then announces. Not exactly the most important thing on his mind right now, but he _has_ been thinking about that too, and he doesn’t want Harvey to worry that he’s still hung up on his confession. Which he is, but for entirely different reasons than he would assume. Besides, he’s been meaning to share this with him anyway. Might as well start right now.

“Oh?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s… nice. Do you want to talk about that?” he asks, sounding a little unsure, and Mike finds that maybe he does.

Harvey seems surprised that he’s taking him up on the offer when he shuts the file he’s been working on and sits back. Mike wonders why that is, then stops to ask himself if he would have done the same thing a week ago.

Probably not. In fact, he’s almost positive that he wouldn’t have.

But this isn’t a week ago, this is now, and if Harvey could be honest about the feelings he used to have for him, then Mike can open up a little as well. Not just because he owes it to him now, but because he feels like he actually _can_. If they’re both vulnerable, neither of them will be at a disadvantage.

Quid pro quo, simple as that.

“I reached out first. When I was visiting Louis, I sent her a picture of him with Lucy. Nothing special, but she seemed happy to hear from me. We’ve been texting on and off since then. Honestly, too. Not just small talk and empty platitudes.”

He shrugs.

“I think she was hoping we’d get talking again as well, but didn’t know how to take the first step.”

“Understandable. It’s a hard one, especially when you aren’t forced to get it out of the way because you see each other all the time.”

“Tell me about it. Seems to have been the right thing to get over myself and take it though.”

Harvey smiles when he catches his eyes.

“That sounds really good, Mike. I’m happy to hear it.”

“Yeah. I’m… glad too. It’s nice to talk to her again. Makes me feel like maybe trying to stay friends isn’t as hopeless as I thought it was.”

“I’m sure it’s not. Sometimes people just need time before they find each other again.”

Mike blinks at him, then nods.

“You’re right. But that doesn’t mean they won’t ever do it.”

“No,” Harvey agrees. “It doesn’t.”

Returning his gaze, he smiles at him before they both go back to work, and Mike takes the memory of that look on his face and lets it keep him warm all throughout the day.

It’s funny how Harvey thought things would be weird now, but instead they’re the exact opposite. It’s like some invisible barrier between them was broken down when he took off his mask and let Mike see what was beneath it, giving way to an understanding that wasn’t there before, not even before he left. Not quite like this.

They’re closer now. Not in any tangible way, but they definitely are. Mike feels it like a physical sensation.

Which, on one hand, is really nice. It’s everything he wanted, everything he feared he might have lost for good.

On the other hand, it’s making things just the slightest bit more complicated.

It’s just that Mike has been noticing stuff about Harvey. Things he only acknowledged in passing before. Like the rumble of his voice when he laughs, or the dimples he gets sometimes, or the weight of his eyes on him when he catches him looking, or-

Things like that. He notices them. Thinks about them. Thinks about _him_ , a lot.

In all honesty, he thinks about him all the time these days, even more than he did before. What’s worse, he wants to be around him constantly too, craves his presence like the goddamn air in his lungs, and it’s really fucking confusing. It’s confusing to be with him and find that he suddenly unlearned how to be normal about it, how to not think about his own messy feelings all the damn time.

He barely managed before, with Charlie in the picture and everything that entailed, but ever since that night he just can’t look the other way anymore.

Every interaction they have is colored by an almost overwhelming awareness; of Harvey, of himself, of how he used to feel about Mike, how Mike still feels about him.

It’s just there, everything he’s been trying not to pay attention to for so long right beneath the surface, and Mike couldn’t push it back down if he wanted to.

And maybe he doesn’t. Maybe he doesn’t want to fight it anymore, now that he knows Harvey _could_ feel that way about him, that he actually did and they just missed each other. If he did it once, what’s to say that he couldn’t do it again? If he just knew Mike was available and very much not opposed to taking things to another level…

But he doesn’t know. And maybe it’s for the best if it stays that way.

Because Harvey is happy. Perhaps for the first time since they met, he’s actually, truly happy. He can tell just by looking at him how much more settled he is, how well-adjusted. Probably more than he’s ever been. He’s balanced, and he’s with Charlie now, and that relationship is a good thing, it might be the best thing he has in his life.

He can’t risk taking that away from him. Above all, Harvey’s happiness is essential after all the shit he’s put him through. Not to mention that Mike doesn’t even know if he’d actually still be interested in him like that.

He had his chance, even if he didn’t realize it at the time, and he missed it. After everything that happened, he can count himself lucky that he even let him back into his life as a friend.

If he’d ever let him in as anything more… well, that’s one question that’ll have to remain unanswered.

Even if something tells him that the answer at least wouldn’t be a hard no.

Call it a hunch, but knowing what he knows now, there have definitely been moments in hindsight.

Every time Mike catches Harvey watching him, his eyes lingering just a little too long to have brushed him in passing, a flicker of something that looks a lot like guilt on his face before the mask is firmly back in place.

Every time their hands brush and the silence feels a little too tense in the aftermath, every time he makes Harvey laugh and he looks at him with that fondness afterwards that’s making it hard to breathe sometimes.

Or just last week, when Mike was standing right behind him looking over his shoulder, and Harvey’s voice sounded just slightly hoarse when he next spoke.

But these nonverbal, and admittedly rather vague signals aren’t all there is to it. It’s in the way they talk to each other too. What Harvey tells him, what he _doesn’t_ tell him. How reluctant he was to bring up Charlie. How he did anyway, how he’s been making an effort to be open with Mike even when it’s hard, even when he makes himself vulnerable in the process. How he didn’t want him to notice he was distancing himself and how he told him the reason for it anyway when he asked because he knew Mike was hurt by it, because lying to him or shutting him out wasn’t an option.

How he’s letting him back in, despite everything. How he still wants him around. How he can let himself be exactly as he is when he’s with him; Harvey Specter, who didn’t want people to know he cared because then they’d walk all over him.

Mike, who did walk all over him and is still getting a second chance.

There always have been moments like that, looking back, but there still are now, and that’s what Mike gets stuck on because that _has_ to mean something, right? If Harvey really didn’t feel that way about him anymore, surely there wouldn’t be any of those either.

And he did say those things, about not wanting to let himself get too close to Mike again. That means he still has those feelings, or at least that they could come back, doesn’t it?

He could find out, of course. Test the waters, see if he can’t get a reaction out of him that betrays what’s really going on inside him.

And he wants to. God, how much he wants to know.

But he can’t. Because Harvey is happy. And Mike has ruined that often enough for him.

He can’t do it. It doesn’t matter what he wants. Harvey is calling the shots, he said so himself, and he wants to keep his word, so he swallows his burning curiosity and decides not to act on it.

He should have known it wasn’t going to be that easy. After all, impulse control has never been his strength.

*

“And… that’s it. We’re done,” Mike announces, dropping the pen with a triumphant grin.

“All in a day’s work.” Harvey smiles at him. “Not bad, Mike. Not bad at all.”

It was a bit more than a day’s work, especially since they moved from the office to Harvey’s apartment in the early afternoon to make themselves more comfortable and it’s now long past the regular end of their work day, but Mike isn’t about to get technical. He’s just glad they finished so early at all.

“Anything to get me that office,” he says cheekily, snorting when Harvey rolls his eyes.

“You know, I’m getting more and more reluctant to give that to you. If that’s the only thing motivating you, I fear you’re just going to stop trying once you have it.”

Mike makes a negating sound. “As much as I hate to admit it, years of training under your influence have turned me into something of a workaholic. I don’t think I could stop if I wanted to. I’d miss it too much.”

The corner of Harvey’s mouth lifts as he regards him.

“I’m taking that as a compliment. I’m glad to hear it, though. I was wondering if this arrangement we have was going to be enough for you, or if you’d want more at some point. Or just… something else.”

Mike returns his look, a small smile on his lips as he shakes his head.

“No need to worry about that. I’m good where I am, and right here is the only place I wanna be.”

He’s not sure what he means himself; whether it’s New York, the firm, or just wherever Harvey is, but it doesn’t really matter anyway.

“Good,” Harvey says, smiling as well. Mike tries not to acknowledge the prickling in his stomach when their eyes meet, but it’s pretty damn hard not to.

“So,” he changes the subject, “you doing anything to celebrate finishing this nightmare of a case?”

“Well, it’s a Tuesday night and I’m a recovering almost-alcoholic, so no. I think taking the night off to catch some movie is as far as I’ll go.”

“Sounds like a party to me.” He pauses, tilting his head. “We haven’t watched any movies in forever. We should do that again sometime.”

Harvey did invite him along that first night he met Charlie, but that’s not exactly what Mike has in mind when he’s saying that.

“Fine by me. Anything in particular you wanna see?”

Mike shrugs. “As long as you don’t suggest ‘Sleepless in Seattle’, I’m pretty much game for anything.”

“Sore spot, huh?”

“Just not something I particularly want to revisit so soon.”

“I get that.” Harvey hums, considering. “I’ve been watching a lot of the classics lately. Maybe something a little more indie. Or a newer one I haven’t seen yet.”

Right. Because he’s been introducing Charlie to all his favorites. Mike nearly rolls his eyes at that. At least he isn’t suggesting asking him to join them. He doesn’t mind spending time with him sometimes, but every once in a while he’d like to have Harvey all to himself too.

“Since you’re so into sci-fi, there’s a bunch of those that came out in recent years I haven’t seen yet.”

“First of all, I’m not ‘so’ into sci-fi. Just because I can recognize Star Trek for the genius it is doesn’t mean I’m some sort of nerd.” He pauses. “With that being said, I’m listening.”

Mike snorts. “You’re so full of shit.”

“You’re the one asking me to have a movie night, so I won’t hear another word about it.”

Huffing, Mike shakes his head, but doesn’t comment further. He knows when he’s beaten.

“I have ‘Interstellar’ on my list. Been meaning to watch that for ages. ‘The Martian’ too.”

“I’ve seen that one, but we can definitely give ‘Interstellar’ a shot. How about ‘Ad Astra’? You seen that yet?”

“No, but let’s go for it. I’ve got a couple more I wanna watch, so I’m sure we’ll manage to fill an evening.”

“I have no doubts about that.” Harvey’s lips curve upwards. “Let’s do it soon.”

They could get started right now, as far as Mike is concerned, but he just nods, his smile conveying only a fraction of how pleased he is.

“Absolutely,” he agrees. “Just say the word and I’ll be there.”

Leaning against the cushions, he spreads his arms on the backrest and lifts an eyebrow.

“So when you said you’d watch a movie tonight to celebrate, you were really talking about a Star Trek movie, weren’t you.”

Harvey huffs. “And what about it?”

“Nothing. Just makes me think that you really are some kind of nerd.”

“Hm. I think your corner office just disappeared out of sight again. How tragic.”

Mike sits up, staring at him. “A corner office? For real?”

“Well, not anymore.”

“Oh, come on. You know I’m only kidding. Star Trek is, like… the best. Captain Kirk is the man. Go Enterprise.” He pauses, thinking. “Vulcans all the way?”

Harvey snorts.

“Very convincing,” he says dryly. “If you’re such a big fan, then you surely won’t mind if we spend our movie night catching you up on Star Trek instead.”

Mike drops back, sighing.

“Okay, no, I can’t do this. It’s not worth it.”

He wouldn’t actually mind all that much – he’s pretty indifferent about Star Trek as a whole, but he’s seen a few episodes that were enjoyable, and it would be worth it alone to see Harvey geek out about Captain Kirk.

Not that he needs to tell him that part.

“That’s what I thought. Maybe I’ll introduce Charlie to it sometime, but for now I’ll just enjoy it by myself. At least I appreciate it.”

“I mean, I’d… totally appreciate it too. If I saw more of it. We can do that sometime if you want. I don’t mind.”

Harvey lifts an eyebrow. “Didn’t you just say not even a corner office was worth that?”

Mike crosses his arms. “I was just kidding. And maybe I changed my mind. It happens sometimes, you know.”

Harvey throws him a doubtful look, but accepts that.

“Alright. I knew you’d see reason eventually.”

“Yeah. Just takes me a while sometimes,” Mike mutters.

Harvey regards him curiously, but doesn’t ask.

“We do have to get some more paperwork out of the way before either of us can watch anything tonight,” he says instead. “If you’re up for it, I’d rather get it out of the way now than push it back until it piles up again.”

“Yeah, no, I’m with you there. And I’m here already, so we might as well do it together.”

He’ll gladly stay longer instead of going back to his empty apartment, even if it means more work. He’s right, they’ll have to do it sooner or later anyway, and it’s always more fun to do it in good company.

“Great.”

Harvey pauses when his phone buzzes, glancing at the screen to read the text.

“Okay, slight change of plans. Charlie’s coming over to pick something up, but he won’t stay long. Shouldn’t take more than a few minutes.”

“Oh. Right. Cool.”

Mike rolls his eyes to himself while he responds, the corner of his mouth lifting as he types.

When he looks back up, he makes sure to have a generic smile plastered on his face.

“You don’t mind, do you?”

“Of course not.”

Of course he doesn’t. Why would he?

Why, Mike?

Shaking his head, he asks, “Should we get started or just wait until he leaves?”

“Let’s get started,” Harvey decides. “He said he’s on his way, but you know what traffic’s like.”

Mike nods and gets to work, though he finds it hard to focus as he waits for the disruption he knows is coming.

Charlie knocks on the door about twenty minutes later, smiling when he catches sight of him on the sofa.

“Hey, Mike. Good to see you again.”

“Hey. Likewise.”

He hopes it sounds more enthusiastic to Charlie than it does to him. Since he doesn’t seem put out, it can’t have been too bad.

Taking in the mess of paper around them instead, he huffs out a short laugh. “Hard at work, are you? Don’t worry, I’m not going to keep you for long. Just wanted to pick up the textbooks I left here.”

“What do you need them for? I thought your juniors were on a class trip this week.”

“They are, but I’m substituting for a colleague that got sick. Freshmen.”

“Ah.” Harvey wrinkles his nose. “Good luck with that.”

“Oh, they’re fine. Cute, actually. You just have to know how to talk to them.”

“ _I_ don’t, but I’m glad you do.”

Charlie chuckles. “I’ll just grab my stuff and get out of your hair.”

“You don’t have to leave on my account,” Mike makes himself say with a smile, perhaps a little too tight. “Stay if you want. We were just gonna do some paperwork.”

“Oh, I’d love to, but I actually have somewhere to be after this. I’m running late already. Another time?”

“Sure.”

“Great!”

Retrieving a tote bag Mike should have guessed wasn’t Harvey’s, Charlie returns to his side and narrows his eyes.

“So, am I right in assuming that this means you’re done with that big case?”

Oh, he knows all about it, does he? Did Harvey tell him when he asked about his day? Did he complain about it, blow off some steam whenever it was getting to him? Did Charlie show interest in the matter despite the fact that it can’t have been relevant to him in any way as a high school teacher?

Why does it matter?

It doesn’t. It totally doesn’t. Mike is just curious, that’s all. Harvey in a relationship is… interesting. He just wonders if he talks to Charlie the way he talks to Mike. If they have as much common ground as they do. If they can even talk about work when their jobs are so different.

“We are,” Harvey agrees, glancing at Mike proudly, who does his best to reciprocate in kind. “Just finished up, and once we’ve sorted through all this-“ He waves towards the documents spread out before them- “we can officially put it to rest.”

“That’s amazing! You must be so relieved.” Charlie squeezes his shoulder, smiling. “I’ll let you get back to it then. I gotta run anyway.”

“Alright. I’ll text you about the weekend?”

Charlie nods. “No rush.”

He leans down, one hand supporting his bag while the other comes up to Harvey’s cheek. He gives him a brief kiss, brushing his cheek with his thumb in an almost thoughtlessly tender way before he straightens.

“See you, love.”

Harvey smiles.

“Yeah, soon. Have fun with Darlene.”

“Oh, I will. You know how she gets.”

“I sure do,” Harvey mutters, shaking his head as Charlie laughs before turning to Mike.

“Take care!”

“Yeah, see you,” he makes himself say, his ears rustling curiously as he watches him leave.

The knot in his stomach seems to burn a hole through him in the silence following his departure. There’s an ugly tightness closing up his throat, the heat springing from it impossible to ignore, to look past. The image of Charlie’s lips on Harvey’s plays in his head on a loop, not the first time he had to see it but so much worse now for some reason, the tone of his voice when he called him _love_ , how Harvey smiled at him like he didn’t even mind the ridiculous form of address.

Love.

_Love._

Who does he think he is?

Surely the flash of anger shooting through him must show on his face, his cheeks flushed red, his eyes blazing, but Mike can’t do anything about it, can’t stop thinking about Charlie kissing Harvey, about him touching him like that and Harvey _letting_ him.

Well, he would. Because he’s his boyfriend. Because they’re partners and they’ve told each other about their feelings and he _loves_ him.

Does he, though? Does he actually love him?

Mike remembers quite clearly what Harvey told him about how they met, how it wasn’t supposed to be anything serious, how long-term planning wasn’t something on either of their minds and they only stayed together because they happened to get along.

But that was before Mike got back. Maybe Harvey’s only stuck with him because he thinks it’s his only option. He doesn’t know Mike is available, that he’d happily take his place. Maybe if he did-

What then? Would it really change anything?

Maybe not. But maybe it would change _everything_. And Mike is just supposed to drop it and never find out?

“Are you alright?”

Snapping out of his thoughts, Mike realizes that Harvey’s eyes are on him, watching him with a frown.

“Fine,” he gives back tersely, then shakes his head minutely and clears his throat. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, that’s why I’m asking.”

“Well, I am. Don’t worry about it. Are we gonna finish this now or what?”

Harvey lifts his eyebrows, but nods. “Sure.”

Mike gathers what he needs and sits back down at the other end of the sofa, closer to the chair Harvey’s occupying. It’s just more practical that way.

“Let’s do it then. Wouldn’t want to keep you from watching your sacred Star Trek.”

It does the trick; Harvey rolls his eyes, any thoughts about the moment seemingly forgotten.

“Will you ever let that go? Just when I thought we’d made some progress…”

“Two steps forward, one step back is still one step forward. You should appreciate what you’re getting.”

Harvey lets out a long-suffering sigh, but drops the subject.

“Come on,” he just says. “This isn’t going to get itself done.”

It isn’t, but Mike finds that he doesn’t mind doing what’s usually his least favorite part of a case as long as he can do it in Harvey’s apartment, so close to him that he can smell his cologne with every breath he takes.

Makes it slightly harder to focus, but luckily Mike’s got enough brain power to manage despite the distraction.

“I need the stipulation you remembered,” Harvey breaks the silence at one point, skimming the document before him. “Where did you say that was?”

“Check the old contract. I know I saw it in there.”

“I’m checking,” Harvey mutters.

Dropping his folder, Mike puts a hand on Harvey’s knee as he leans over to scan what he’s reading. He flicks through the pages, then points at the stipulation in question.

“There you go,” he tells him, catching his eyes when he looks up.

“Thanks,” Harvey says after the slightest pause.

Lingering just a little longer as he smiles, Mike finally retracts his hand, licking his lips before he drops his eyes back to his own work.

“Don’t mention it.”

He doesn’t, not the passage and certainly not the touch, but that doesn’t mean Mike stops thinking about it.

It’s hard to get anything from Harvey’s reaction after so short a moment, but if he had to take a guess, he’d say that he definitely wasn’t opposed. Surprised, perhaps, but not reluctant.

And Mike sure as hell isn’t either. This could barely be considered an intimate touch – he isn’t about to sexually harass him – but it definitely wasn’t a regular touch either, certainly not a platonic one. It was barely anything, but it was still _something_ , a taste of what Mike is missing, and god, how he yearns to get more of it.

If he’d known Harvey wanted him, if he’d known it could have been like this years ago, things would be so different now.

Things would be so goddamn _good_.

And they still could be. He’s almost sure of that, with the way Harvey looks at him sometimes, how he can rattle him with as little as a hand on his thigh. Why shouldn’t he test out the limits? See if anything comes of it? Why should he have to accept that they lost their chance at having something so good with each other?

“Do you have the second draft of the contract?”

“It’s over here,” Harvey agrees absently. Rather than asking him to pass it on to him, Mike gets up and, standing behind him, leans over his shoulder to look for the papers.

He’s in no rush, his attention only half on the contract as he registers every shift of Harvey’s body, how he doesn’t move away but grows very, very still beneath him, how his chest stops heaving when Mike lets his breath tickle his ear on purpose. It’s almost imperceptible, but it’s there, and Mike feels heady with it, forgetting about what he came here for in the first place as he leans in just slightly, drawn closer like a magnet, drinking in his scent, the curve of his neck, the point where his pulse flutters beneath his skin.

It would be so easy to close the distance between them and mouth at his neck, leave the barest of kisses there. The ferventness of the desire to do so surprises him, after years and years of telling himself he was fine without it, that he didn’t need to be with Harvey like that, didn’t need to get so close.

Well, he does now. There’s no looking the other way anymore, not now that he knows the potential they have, that they both wanted this, maybe still do.

He can’t remember the last time he wanted anything this much; a primal, essential need that’s gone unfulfilled for too long, that won’t let itself be ignored any longer.

It’s not just him. It can’t just be him.

If Harvey didn’t want this, he’d tell him. He’d draw the line, remove himself from the situation, make it clear that Mike is overstepping, and he’s not, and that’s all the proof Mike needs to know he’s onto something, all the permission to keep playing the game.

He could play this game _forever_ , the rush making him lightheaded, the need to chase the excitement, the thrill of discovering clues of Harvey’s hidden desire almost overwhelming.

But Harvey doesn’t want to play. Harvey doesn’t know they’re playing at all, doesn’t know he’s stopping the game but does so all the same when he shatters the illusion, voices the previously unspoken and thus kills it in an instant. He leans away to get a better look at Mike, his brow furrowed when he asks, just a hint of bewilderment in his voice, “What are you doing?”

Mike swallows, refusing to draw back, to let go of the fleeting moment entirely.

“What do you think I’m doing?”

“I honestly don’t know.”

Mike searches his face, finding nothing but the truth. No hints of teasing, no flirting, only confusion and something that looks a lot like vulnerability.

Frowning, Mike shifts his weight, deeply aware of the pounding of his heart and the suddenly uncomfortable lack of distance between them.

Harvey is right. What _is_ he doing?

What the hell is he doing here?

There was a plan. This was supposed to be about Harvey. Harvey’s needs, his happiness, were supposed to come first.

What happened to that? What the hell is wrong with him?

Swallowing, Mike straightens and brings some space between them, his stomach queasy with the nausea rising in him.

“Shit. I’m sorry, I- forget it. It won’t happen again.”

He tries to retreat further, but Harvey doesn’t let him, the sudden weight of his hand on his arm locking him in place.

“Hold on, wait a second. Care to explain to me what the hell is going on?”

“Nothing’s going on. I- miscalculated. Let’s just move on, okay?”

Moving on evidently isn’t something Harvey is interested in.

“You miscalculated what, exactly? The appropriate distance to keep from someone?”

Mike’s throat bobs. “Harvey-“

He shakes his head, his frown deepening.

“I’m serious, Mike. Don’t give me that crap. From one moment to the next you start acting all- _weird_ , and you expect me to believe there’s nothing wrong?”

“There isn’t.”

“Bullshit. Why won’t you tell me what’s going on with you? I thought we agreed on being honest with each other from now on. What the hell is this about?”

They did, didn’t they? And Mike promised he’d try, and he really wanted to, and once again he ended up doing the wrong thing, this time not even for the right reasons. He ended up doing what he needed to do for his own benefit, for his personal gain, not giving a shit about what that would mean for anyone else. For Harvey.

Harvey always suffers because of Mike’s whimsical moods, the things he wants, no matter the price or the consequences. He’s always the one who ends up getting hurt in all this, and Mike keeps on hurting him anyway, even after everything, even now that he knows how he felt about him, how much pain he’s endured because of his actions.

It takes a sick kind of person to do that.

The rhythm of his heartbeat is deafening, the pounding of the same thought in his head on repeat; _you’re sick, you’re sick, you’re sick_ , until he thinks he’s going to throw up.

Looking at Harvey before him, as lost and confused as before, it finally dawns on him, perhaps with full clarity for the first time in his life, who he really is.

Looking at Harvey before him, Mike finally sees himself. And it’s nauseating.

The realization is as sudden as it is paralyzing, undeniable and more painful than he’s equipped to handle.

For all the times he’s prided himself on doing good work, important work, helping people and doing the wrong thing for arguably the right reasons, he is not a good person. He’s the worst kind of hypocrite, always thinking himself so much better than everyone while he lies and deceives left and right, uses people to his advantage, only cares about what he wants, never mind who gets hurt in the process. Even if it’s someone he loves.

He fucked up so bad. He fucked up so many times and he’s still doing it now, he can’t ever seem to stop, and where is that supposed to lead, where will he draw the line if not at Harvey’s happiness?

How could he _not_ draw the line there? How could he do this to him? How could he try to take this from Harvey, who finally has something good and solid in his life? What gave him the right?

How could he ever think there was anything good in him, when this is what it comes down to?

As soon as the stinging of the tears in his eyes registers, he realizes that there’s no way of holding them back. They overflow and run down his cheek before he can as much as avert his eyes, gathering at his jaw before dripping into his shirt.

He can’t do anything but accept it, his lips quivering where he presses them together, trying to keep a semblance of composure, trying to hold back the flood he already knows is coming anyway. He can’t breathe, can’t get the air past the tightness lodged in his throat, can only stand there, perfectly still for the span of a painful heartbeat before he breaks right in the middle under the weight of it.

There is nothing he could do to stop the visceral sob ripping through him, pushing past his lips, bowing his shoulders, leaving him cracked open and defenseless.

Sinking down, Mike tries to stifle the sounds, pressing his hand against his mouth to find it trembling. It’s a futile attempt at holding back the sheer force his pain is leaking from him with, too big to be held in the confinement of his body any longer, needing more room, more space than he has to give.

He can’t fight it. He doesn’t have the strength to even try.

“Mike,” Harvey says, the shock on his face mixing with a concerned helplessness that only makes him cry harder.

Why can’t he ever stop hurting him?

“I fucked up,” he gets out, the sound so foreign he doesn’t recognize it as his own voice, and he doesn’t even know what it’s about, himself or with Harvey or just all of it; only knows that he feels it in his core, a self-evident truth that he can’t go back to ignoring, not anymore.

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Harvey.”

“It’s okay,” he says, even though he can’t possibly know what he’s talking about, he can’t possibly mean it. “It’s okay, you’re alright.”

It’s not, but Mike focuses on his voice anyway, willing himself to let that be enough.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, burying his face in his hands like it’s going to hide his shame. “I’m so sorry.”

For a while, that’s all Harvey gets out of him. As concerned as he still looks, he doesn’t leave his side for a single moment, offering silent comfort and a box of tissues that Mike can’t even be embarrassed about almost using up.

He doesn’t blame him for remaining in his own space, clearly hesitant to touch him apart from the gentle warmth of his hand on his back, a silent reassurance of _I’m here and I’m not leaving._

Mike doesn’t deserve any of it, but finds himself immensely grateful all the same. In the chaos surrounding him, it’s the only thing he can still hold on to.

Eventually the sobs going through his body subside. His eyes are puffy and strained, but the tears stop falling, because they ran out more than anything else, but Mike will take what he can get at this point. As weary as he feels, a bone-deep exhaustion setting in where the ache has turned into an almost tranquil hollowness, he can acknowledge in some detached part of himself that this was necessary, that it’ll be a relief at some point, even if it isn’t now.

Harvey shifts next to him, not speaking yet, but Mike knows it’s coming. He appreciates the moment of grace as he collects himself before it does.

“Better?”

Clearing his throat, he glances at him with a sniff.

“Can I just say yes and we pretend that I’m not obviously lying?”

Harvey doesn’t laugh, doesn’t even smile, and Mike swallows and sucks in a sharp breath, doing his best to recover his poise, to find something, anything to fall back on.

“I’m fine,” he says. “I’m better. It’s fine.”

He wipes his nose, a weary chuckle escaping him.

“Bet this isn’t how you imagined your Tuesday night. Me, ugly crying and sabotaging your relationship,” he jokes weakly, because he has to, because this is how they talk to each other and he needs something familiar to hold on to.

But Harvey won’t let him get away with it.

“Mike,” he says, gravely, frowning. “Stop.”

And Mike stops. What else can he do when Harvey asks him to?

Swallowing, he shakes his head and looks away.

“I really am sorry. You don’t deserve any of this.”

Every breath he takes is an effort, every word he speaks, but he makes himself say it anyway, because it’s the least he can do after all this. Because Harvey deserves to hear the truth.

“I just- I don’t know how you do it. You’re so much better than I ever was. You’re admitting to your faults so- so openly, and working on them too. And you’re… living your truth. I wish I was more like that. I wish everything I touch didn’t turn into such a mess.”

Harvey listens quietly, his brow furrowed as he searches his face, finding god knows what there.

“You forget, and I’m only saying this once so you better pay attention, that I’m a good decade older than you. Even if I did have it all figured out, which I don’t, there’s no reason to beat yourself up about not being there yet.”

A short laugh escapes Mike that he didn’t know he still had in him. But that’s Harvey, always holding the power to bring out the best in him.

If only there was more of that to bring out.

“Fair enough,” he concedes, though it doesn’t really change anything. He’s not looking for excuses, not anymore. He needs to finally face this and deal with the consequences.

“I’m… jealous,” he then admits, kneading his hands. Confusion flickers over Harvey’s face.

“Of me?”

He’s still not getting it. All that ego, all that arrogance, and he still can’t entertain the idea that Mike could have these kinds of feelings for him, that he’s worthy of being loved.

He would have laughed again if it weren’t so tragic.

“Not you. Of him. Of Charlie.”

Harvey blinks at him, sitting back. “What are you talking about?”

Well, here goes nothing.

Mike takes a deep breath and brings himself to just say it.

“You know the way you felt about me before I left? Yeah, well, I felt that too. I really did.” He shrugs. “I always loved you, as so much more than a friend, but I never let myself acknowledge it. Because it was futile, right? Or at least I thought it was. I thought… you didn’t want that with me. That you couldn’t. And I was fine with that, because I still had you as a friend, and there was always Rachel.”

He scoffs, shaking his head as he looks at his hands. His skin has turned white where he’s pressing into it.

“Well, we both know how that worked out. I didn’t come back here thinking I’d try my luck with you after my marriage failed, but then I found out about Charlie, and- it brought up some stuff I’d tried very hard not to think about. And then when you told me you did feel that way about me, at least at some point, I just… I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t stop wondering if you didn’t still have those feelings.”

He sniffs, lifting his shoulders helplessly. “I wanted that so much. I didn’t think about what it would mean for you to go after that. When I saw you with Charlie, I just… did it. I’m sorry.”

It doesn’t matter how many times he tells him that, it’s not enough. It’ll never be enough.

Harvey sits back, his throat bobbing as he regards him.

“That’s- a lot to take in,” he eventually says.

Mike huffs. “Tell me about it.”

“So you… were in love with me. Before you left.”

“Yeah,” Mike agrees quietly.

Frowning, he shakes his head. “I don’t understand. You chose Rachel. You always chose Rachel.”

“I didn’t think I _could_ choose you.” He lifts his shoulders. “Don’t get me wrong, of course I loved her too. And she loved me, so I thought she was the one for me, you know? I thought that meant we were supposed to work things out. And we tried. We tried for so long. It just never worked, which I guess tells you everything you need to know.”

Harvey makes a vague noise. Mike glances at him, but his face doesn’t give much away apart from the fact that he’s clearly still processing what Mike just told him.

Fair enough. It _is_ a lot to take in.

“I gotta say, this is not something I ever expected to hear from you,” he begins. “Not just because I thought you were straight, but- when you left, and in the months leading up to that, I got the impression that you felt the total opposite. That you’d had enough of me.”

Mike huffs out a laugh. “If me having enough of myself for always thinking about you counts, I suppose I had. But you, specifically? Never. And I know that may be hard to believe, I know I- haven’t exactly given you much reason to believe me when I say that, but the way I acted, that was pretty much just to compensate for how much space you took up in my head. And you shouldn’t have, not when I was about to get married and start a family with someone else.”

“Right,” Harvey mutters, still not convinced.

“I think that was part of why I was so ready to leave from one moment to the next,” Mike continues. In for a penny, in for a pound. “I thought it was my way out. Letting go of you so I could commit to Rachel. But when I left, I didn’t forget about you. I shut you out because I couldn’t. And I thought I needed to, in order to move on. To make this new life work. I was… so angry at you because I couldn’t make it work. Because you were everywhere. Because I couldn’t stop thinking about you. And it was easier to let that out on you than be angry at myself and admit that I had a problem.”

It’s hard to say, but it’s vital that he does, that he finally comes clean.

This is him. This is the kind of person he is, stripped down to the ugly truth at his core that he’s been trying to hide all these years.

At least he’s admitting to it now, so Harvey can finally see who he wasted so much of his time and effort on. At least they’ll be parting on honest terms this time.

Swallowing, he holds out his hands, an empty gesture showing just about everything he has to offer.

“I’ve been such an asshole. I’m really sorry.”

He’s just going in circles at this point, so he might as well stop now.

What a goddamn mess.

When he makes himself look at Harvey, who has been quiet throughout all this, fearing and needing to see his reaction at the same time, he finds him staring back at him with a dumbstruck expression. It’s painfully obvious that he has no idea where to even begin. Not that Mike blames him.

He only blinks a few times before he shakes himself, visibly focusing. He almost smiles at that, the fondness welling up in him a welcome distraction to cling to.

He’ll work his way through this, one problem at a time. Because there’s no situation that’s beyond salvaging, that they can’t come out of on top.

It’s a nice thought, even if Mike doesn’t believe it himself right now.

“Yes, you have been,” Harvey says. “We both know it, there’s no point in denying it. You’ve been an asshole. But jesus, Mike, so have I. Time and time again, if you remember. We’ve both done things to hurt each other. And if you think that’s enough to make me turn my back on you, to change the way I feel about you… you don’t understand the first thing about what you are to me.”

Trying to keep his throat from closing up, Mike sucks in a sharp breath. If he had any tears left in him, he might have started crying all over again.

“But it should be,” he gets out. “That wasn’t just me being a dick. I was… genuinely terrible to you. I treated you like crap, and you shouldn’t take this kind of shit. From anyone. You deserve so much better than that.”

“Are you _trying_ to get me to turn my back on you?” Harvey asks mildly.

When Mike swallows and shakes his head, he purses his lips, then reaches for his hands and holds them firmly, no hesitation.

“I’m not taking any shit,” he explains calmly. “Not anymore, at least. Not that you’ve been giving me much of that lately, but I’ve set my boundaries and I’m sticking to them. You think I distanced myself from you the other day because it was fun? It’s the last thing I wanted to do, but I did it anyway, for my own sake. But I can still love you from afar, Mike. I do. Just because I take a step back doesn’t mean that my feelings changed.”

He never loosens his grip on him, never lets go, the warm weight of his hands grounding Mike where he sits, allowing him to breathe a little easier.

“No matter what you do, I’ll never turn my back on you. I’ll never leave you. It doesn’t matter what happened between us. It doesn’t matter what you did or what you think you did. If you need me, I’ll be there. There are no conditions attached to that.”

Mike attempts to speak twice before he finds his voice, shaking his head again.

“How can you say that?”

He sounds so small that he almost doesn’t recognize himself, the hesitancy surely belonging to someone else than the person who sets fire to everything around him on the regular.

Harvey just smiles, a bit wryly, but genuine.

“How couldn’t I? It’s the truth.”

It _is_ true, for god knows what reason, for better or worse. The one thing Harvey has never done, after everything Mike has put him through, is abandon him.

He can’t say he agrees with that decision, or can even get behind it, but god, he has never been as grateful for anything as he is for that. He doesn’t deserve this, but Harvey insists on giving it to him anyway, doesn’t even ask for anything in return.

Maybe good things do happen every once in a while. Even to people like him.

Reluctant as he is to accept what he knows he hasn’t earned, Mike takes a deep breath to steady himself, just needing to know.

“When you say that… that you love me from afar and you’ll have my back and all that, do you mean you still love me like- like you used to?”

The pounding of his heart makes it hard to listen, but his eyes are fixed on Harvey’s face, taking in every shift of his expression.

Exhaling slowly, Harvey pinches his lips and looks away.

“Why does it matter?”

Why?

Mike huffs, shaking his head.

“Because I still love you too, idiot.”

Granted, Harvey isn’t exactly the idiot in this situation, but he really should have gotten the memo by now.

How long has he spent convincing himself that this wasn’t a possibility? That Mike could never feel that way about him? How deeply rooted is that belief for him to look at him now and still not see the full extent of his devotion?

“I didn’t do- all this because it was such fun or for old time’s sake,” Mike elaborates. “I did it because I still love you and I want to be with you, and I thought there might be a chance you wanted that too and… we could have something really good together.”

Swallowing, he turns his hands beneath Harvey’s and allows himself to twine them together, to hold on to him and feel his warmth. After everything he’s told him, after how he let himself be seen, this is the boldest he has been tonight. It takes all his courage and then some to initiate the innocent touch, to breach the distance he put between them and actually hold him, with intent.

In the following silence, he feels the pronounced beating of his heart in every part of him, accentuating every second he’s connected with Harvey like this.

It might be a cliché, it might be because he’s cut open and more vulnerable than he’s ever made himself before, but he has never felt the way he does right now; his heart in this throat, an unnamable sensation inside him. And they’re only holding hands.

Imagining how good the rest of it might feel is more than he can bear right now.

Harvey doesn’t look at him to catch any of those thoughts, surely written on his face for the world to see. Harvey doesn’t react at all, staring at his hands like they’re something strange, something so incredibly unlikely, but so wonderful too. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, doesn’t move an inch before he sucks in a deep breath, glancing up to meet his eyes.

Mike’s breath hitches at the openness in them, at the sheer possibility they hold.

Maybe he doesn’t have to imagine. Maybe Harvey does want this too, and Mike is in no position not to take something as tempting as this when it’s handed to him on a silver platter.

Swallowing, he brushes his thumb over the back of Harvey’s hand, watching closely for any reaction. Harvey blinks, his eyelids fluttering in a way that makes him look so sweet, so innocent and young, and Mike just wants to wrap his arms around him, just wants to get closer.

His movements are miniscule, almost imperceptible, but Harvey picks up on them anyway. Of course he does.

He exhales audibly when Mike leans in the smallest bit, almost frustrated, or maybe desperate, but he doesn’t move away, only watches him quietly before his eyes flutter shut in defeat.

So this is it. The one thing the great Harvey Specter isn’t equipped to fight. This is what it took to get him to his knees.

But Mike doesn’t want to bring him to his knees. He doesn’t want to defeat him, doesn’t want him to suffer for this. He’s suffered enough.

He just wants to be close to him. He just wants to hold him, to feel that he’s there, and allow himself to believe that’s enough.

Just for a moment, for a little while. What’s the harm in that?

Shifting, Mike moves closer until he’s inches from Harvey’s face, conscious of every one of his heartbeats, hard and pronounced against his ribcage.

Harvey’s forehead is creased, like he’s in pain, and he can’t have that, they can’t both be hurting. That’s not fair.

Instead of doing any of the dozen other things Mike wants to do, he just closes the distance between them to rest his forehead against Harvey’s.

Inhaling deeply, he allows himself to be there and do nothing else, to just soak up how it feels to be this close to him.

 _Remember this_ , he thinks, the words painfully sharp amidst the uproar in his mind. _Remember every second of this. It might never come again._

He’s not sure he could live with that, but he’s been living with the impossible for years now, for decades. He may not like how, but life always goes on, and there’s nothing to do but go along with it. Nothing to do but hold on to the things that matter while he still can, while they haven’t faded.

This hasn’t faded. This is here, now. And Harvey hasn’t yet pulled away.

Tilting his head, his breathing just slightly uneven, Mike nudges his cheek with his nose, waiting for any kind of reaction, any sign that’ll show him that this is alright, that Harvey wants this too. That he’s not just letting him do this, but actually gives him permission.

Harvey exhales quietly, his lips parting. He doesn’t make a sound. Mike’s heart is beating out of his chest as he moves closer, close enough to feel the warmth of his breath on his lips.

Harvey doesn’t meet him halfway. Harvey’s frown deepens as he inhales sharply, then shakes his head. Just once, but it’s enough.

“Mike,” he says, his voice rough.

And Mike understands him perfectly. No explanations needed.

It was too good to be true anyway.

Harvey draws back, looking like it’s costing him a world of effort, and Mike does the same, doing his best to ignore his plummeting stomach. This is free falling, and not the good kind. But he dug himself into this bottomless hole. This is no one’s doing but his own.

Harvey heaves a sigh that seems to brim with sorrow.

“I can’t do this.”

Mike attempts a smile. “I know. It’s okay.”

It’s not, it’s the farthest thing from okay, but that isn’t Harvey’s fault. He’s done blaming him for everything that goes wrong in his life. He’s done twisting the truth to shield himself from his own shortcomings.

He was never the victim in this. It’s time he started acting like it.

Harvey exhales slowly. “I’m sorry.”

Mike huffs out something like a laugh, wiping his nose with his sleeve.

“I don’t think _you_ have anything to apologize for between the two of us.”

Pushing a hand into his hair, Harvey sinks back against the chair, shaking his head.

“I broke my own rules before with Donna. I won’t do that again.”

“I know. I understand. And… I don’t want to make you do that anyway. I don’t wanna turn you into a cheater.”

Mike sucks in his lip, regarding him silently.

“You’re good, you know? The things you’ve done for me, that’s- you’ve sacrificed so much. It’s enough. It’s more than enough. I won’t ask you to give up any more. Not your integrity. Not what you have with Charlie.”

He lets out a shaky breath.

“I just sound like a broken record at this point, but I really am sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin this for you. I’m just the worst fucking person in the world.”

He’s not saying it to hear Harvey disagree, to fish for undeserved compliments, but he should have guessed he wasn’t going to leave that unchallenged.

“You’re not a bad person, Mike. You’re not.” He purses his lips, exhaling quietly. “I think you’ve convinced yourself of that for a long time, that you’re to blame for everything that’s gone wrong these past few years. It’s been burning inside you, driving you on, hasn’t it? Led you to lash out. To make decision you might not have made otherwise.”

His voice is so calm, so gentle. So full of understanding and compassion.

Mike doesn’t deserve to be talked to like that. He doesn’t deserve to be handled gently, with care.

But Harvey never even stops to consider doing anything else. Never has. Not because he mollycoddles him, but because he genuinely believes that this is fair, that it’s what he deserves. That there’s something good within him that makes him worthy of this.

Well, he would. Everything good he may still have inside him has Harvey’s fingerprints on it, only exists because he put it there, because he believed in it enough to bring it out.

He lifts his shoulders, shaking his head.

“And you know what? In a way that’s a good thing, because it got you where you are now. It got you through all the shit you’ve had to endure, right up to this point. But you don’t need it anymore. You don’t have to keep punishing yourself. It’s alright now. You can let go.”

The plea he finishes on makes Mike’s breath hitch with the hint of desperation in it.

Harvey’s words touch something within him, going straight past all his defenses to that tiny, hidden part of him that wants nothing more than to believe him.

_You can let go._

Can he?

Should he?

He honestly doesn’t know the answer to that. And even if he did, he wouldn’t have the first idea how to go about it. Harvey is right, it did get him here. It’s what’s been guiding him, making his decisions for him for so long that he can’t remember what it was like before.

Could he even get that back, if he tried? Who would he be without this part of him that’s been dictating his life for so long?

“I don’t know about that,” he gives back, the crack in his voice betraying everything he isn’t saying.

Harvey just smiles. He never knew he could look so sad while doing that, but it’s genuine all the same.

“That’s okay. I do.”

Mike swallows, shaking his head mutely at Harvey’s unwavering belief in him. He doesn’t know why, can’t for the life of him understand it, but it’s there nevertheless. And if there’s one thing he does, even if he didn’t always act like it, it’s trust Harvey.

If he has faith in him, maybe he’s onto something. Maybe there’s some good somewhere in him after all, something worth holding on to.

Harvey believes that. And there’s a promise in there as well, something Mike doesn’t deserve in the slightest but is getting anyway.

Harvey will not turn his back on him. Harvey will be there, by his side, to see him through this until he starts believing it too.

Even after everything. Even now.

Clearing his throat, Mike nods, hesitantly at first, then more assured when he sees Harvey’s shoulders relaxing. “Okay. I- okay. Alright.”

They smile at each other before Mike’s fades as quick as it came, and Harvey isn’t far behind. He lets out a deep breath, twining his hands together.

“What happens now?”

The question hangs between them, heavy and pronounced, impossible to ignore and just as impossible to answer.

“I don’t know,” Harvey tells him honestly. He stares ahead, shaking his head. His fingers dig into his palm so hard that it must hurt, but he shows no sign of even noticing that he’s doing it. Every breath he draws is labored, an act of exertion that makes Mike ache just looking at it.

He itches to smooth out the deep lines on his forehead, but wills himself to stay where he is, still as a statue. He needs to let him work this out by himself.

Swallowing, Harvey gets up to bring some distance between them.

“I don’t… I really don’t know.”

Mike doesn’t blame him for not finding the words.

He watches him run a hand through his hair, then wrap his arms around his middle as if to hold himself together.

“I don’t know what to do. I have something really good and solid, maybe for the first time in my life. I… love Charlie. I really do. I’m happy with him. And the thought of giving that up- I don’t know if I can do that. Or if I should.”

He looks at Mike, shaking his head.

“On the other hand… it’s you.”

That’s it. That’s all he says, all there is to it. _It’s you_. And that’s enough to make him reconsider everything he has worked so hard to build up?

Not that it looks like it’s easy for him, not in the slightest. Mike can see how much he struggles to even think about this, how his grasp on his composure is slipping more and more by the second. His eyes are shining, his throat bobbing, his entire stance radiating desperation.

He’s putting himself through this for Mike. Wouldn’t even be considering it if it weren’t for him.

He can’t let him do that. He can’t be the cause of this much pain, not again.

“Don’t do it,” Mike breaks the silence, not knowing he’s going to say it until it’s already out there. “Don’t give that up because of me. I can’t ask that of you.”

Harvey stills, silent as he regards him.

“You’re not asking.”

Mike blinks at him, watching the deep breath he lets out, the way his shoulders straighten the slightest bit.

“No, Harvey. God, you aren’t- you can’t do this. You can’t…”

But he can. He can, because he never runs from his battles. And from the looks of it, this isn’t going to be an exception.

“I think I have to,” he says quietly. Pained, but not uncertain. Not even a little.

Mike sucks in his lip to stop it from quivering. There’s nothing he can do about the tears welling up in his eyes again, but it’s not like Harvey hasn’t already seen the worst of that. He couldn’t care less at this point.

“Are you sure?”

Harvey’s eyes flicker to his when his voice breaks.

His jaw clenches before he lifts his chin, looking him straight in the eye. “If there’s one thing I’ve ever been sure about in my life, it’s you. Everything else just fell into place somehow. But you… you were a choice. A conscious choice that I’ve made time and time again. That means something, don’t you think?”

Mike can only swallow, trying his best to keep his breathing even, but Harvey doesn’t seem to require an answer.

He’s already made up his mind.

Inhaling deeply, he nods once as if to confirm to himself that he’s doing the right thing.

“I’m sure, Mike. I have to do this.”

It’s clearly costing him a world of effort, but his decision is made.

Mike’s head swims with the implications of that.

He opens his mouth, then closes it again, not finding the right words. In the end he just nods, his voice croaking when he asks, “So what now?”

Harvey purses his lips and looks away, his fists clenching at his sides. Despite his determination, he looks unbelievably small.

“I need to talk to Charlie.”

“Alright.” Mike clears his throat. “I… I think I should probably go then. Give you some space to figure everything out.”

To think it over, make sure he really wants to do this.

Inhaling deeply, Harvey squares his shoulders. “Yeah. Maybe that’s for the best.”

Looking at him, he takes a few steps, stopping just before him. Mike holds his breath as he reaches out, cupping his cheek with one hand briefly before it falls away, leaving him empty and bereft.

Time to go. To leave and hope they didn’t just go somewhere they can’t come back from.

If this was the last thing he ever got from Harvey, a touch so fleeting it might as well have been nothing, he’s not sure he’d be able to live with that.

Well. Here’s to hoping he won’t have to.

Gathering his things, acutely aware of Harvey’s presence behind him, Mike straightens and glances at him, swallowing.

“I… guess I’ll see you.”

They’ll be meeting at the office tomorrow, at any rate. They’ll have to put on a smile and talk about work and pretend that nothing happened, that a fundamental shift of the world’s axis didn’t just occur.

“Yeah.” Harvey clears his throat. “See you.”

Taking one last look at him, Mike allows himself to drink in the sight of his face, offering a feeble smile before he turns to go.

Here’s to hoping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent so much time on this chapter and I still don't know if I got it right, but hopefully it worked.
> 
> Just to clarify, the opinions Mike expresses here reflect how he feels about himself, not how I feel about him. It just made sense to me that his underlying self-loathing would lead to overcompensation, aka all the ways he acted out that we got to watch in the later seasons, so I wanted to explore that further and this is what I ended up with.


	5. Chapter 5

When the third deep breath he takes fails to calm him down, Harvey gives up and just makes himself ring the doorbell.

He’s been stalling this conversation long enough, trying to clear his head, to think of the right things to say before finally admitting to himself that there is no right way to go about this. He just has to get it over with somehow.

It’s just as well he didn’t prepare any phrases. As soon as he lays eyes on Charlie, anything he might have wanted to say evaporates, leaving him with only a growing sense of dread in his stomach.

“Harvey,” Charlie says, surprised.

He clears his throat. “Hey. Do you mind if I come in for a minute?”

His voice sounds off to his own ears, and the frown appearing on Charlie’s face tells him that it didn’t go past him either.

Stepping aside, he lets him in.

“Of course not. Everything alright?”

Harvey’s first instinct is to say yes, if only to put off the evil hour a little longer, but the word won’t come. He can’t bring himself to lie.

Swallowing, he says instead, “Charlie, I need to talk to you.”

His frown deepens before something flashes across his face, fading into resignation as he lets out a deep breath.

“Ah. Here it comes.”

He cracks a smile that doesn’t fool anyone, maybe attempting to soften the blow. If for himself or for Harvey’s sake, he doesn’t know.

“Let me guess. It’s about Mike.”

Harvey looks away, not finding it in him to answer.

Exhaling slowly, Charlie blinks before wiping his nose and clasping his hands together.

“Come on. Let’s sit down for this.”

Harvey nods and follows him to the sofa, grateful that he’s so calm. Not that he expected him to shout – they’ve never yelled at each other and he hopes they won’t start now – but he wouldn’t have held it against him if he had.

God, how he wishes he didn’t have to do this now.

Finding the right words proves to be impossible, but Charlie saves him from having to break the first ground.

“So, I guess it _did_ change things for you when he came back.”

Harvey exhales quietly.

“Nothing happened between us. It’s important for me that you know that. I wouldn’t do that to you. But we- talked. Things came up. I don’t know where it’s going to lead, honestly, but no matter what may or may not happen between Mike and me, going forward… I don’t think you and I can continue this.”

He halts, not having anticipated the raw pain of saying it out loud. It’s real now. It’s final. The best thing he’s had in his life for a long, long time and here he is, bringing it to an end.

“I can’t be with you when I’m this emotionally invested in someone else. Because it feels like I’m cheating on you anyway, and that’s not fair to you. You deserve better. Maybe you don’t believe me, but I’m not doing this because I don’t care enough about you. It’s because I care too much.”

Charlie huffs quietly. “I believe you. We’ve always been honest with each other. Why would you lie now?”

He pinches his lips and swallows a few times, blinking against the tears Harvey feels prickling behind his own eyelids too.

“Look, I… I get it. I don’t like it, but I get it. I really want what’s best for you, Harvey. If that’s not being with me anymore, then I guess this is what needs to happen.”

He lifts his shoulders, the smile on his lips genuine, small as it may be.

“The past year has been wonderful, and you’re a great man. But more importantly, you’re a good one. And you deserve good things in your life. You’d forgotten that when I met you, so… make sure you don’t let that happen again, okay?”

Harvey makes a sound that’s not quite a laugh, but it’s close enough.

“I’ll try not to.”

Charlie takes a deep breath, worrying his lip as he regards him.

“Are you sure he’s good for you? After what happened when he left? Being friends again is one thing, but this…”

This is a lot bigger, Harvey knows. A lot riskier. A lot more uncertain.

And yet.

“I know things didn’t go well last time. I know it wasn’t- right. But I’m better now. I know my own boundaries. I’m setting them. And Mike is… different. He knows what he did and he regrets it. He wants to do better. And I believe that if we work together, we might figure it out.”

He shrugs helplessly.

“I have to try. I have to know if it could work. And I know a lot of shit went down between us, I know we both aren’t the same people we used to be, but… I believe in him. That hasn’t changed. He’ll find his way.”

It may take him a while, but there isn’t a shred of doubt in his mind that he will. Not after their conversation the other night. Not with all the resilience he’s seen in him throughout the years. He may have forgotten, but he can’t have unlearned how to find his feet again. That’s not something he can lose.

“And truthfully, I don’t know if that’s going to be with me or not. I know he wants it to be, at least right now. But even if it isn’t, or if friends is all we end up being, I can’t… string you along. I won’t let you be my back-up plan. I respect you too much for that.” He reaches for his hand, hating how misplaced it feels already. “I only want the best for you too, Charlie. And I don’t think that’s me anymore.”

Charlie glances at their hands, then up at him, nodding once.

“You’re right. This was too good to be a plan B anyway.”

This time the laugh sticks in his throat.

Searching his face, Charlie hesitates.

“It _was_ good, wasn’t it? I was good to you, and you were good to me. We were good for each other. But you don’t want good. That was never what you wanted. You told me once, remember? Life is this, you like this. We were good, yes, but you and him… you’re great. Even if it crashes and burns, you’d rather have that than settle for less.”

Harvey opens his mouth, then closes it again. There is nothing he could say in response.

Charlie doesn’t seem to expect anything. He sniffs, shaking his head.

“And I get that. You’re lucky, to have found something like it.”

What a peculiar thing to say.

In all the time he’s known and loved Mike, Harvey has never considered himself lucky. But knowing what he knows now, knowing that Mike wants him too, that he feels about him the same way he does…

Maybe lucky isn’t so far off the mark. Time will tell. He’s lasted this long, he can wait a while longer.

Tightening his grip on Charlie’s hand, Harvey says, “It _was_ good. It was. And making the decision to give that up is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.”

Swallowing, he sets his jaw, blinking against the stinging of his eyes.

“You… were the best thing that could have happened to me. I was at my lowest when I met you, and you were exactly what I needed to get better. To find myself again. Being loved by you was so… healing, and I’d like to think it was the same for you. I really am sorry it couldn’t last.”

“Yeah. Me too.” Charlie lets out a deep breath. “That’s the difference between you and me. I’m happy with the small things. You want all or nothing. Well, go and get it, alright? Because I’ll be seriously pissed off if all this ends up being in vain.”

Harvey nods quietly. Charlie squeezes his hand before he draws back.

“I hope you’re happy. Both of you. I hope you make each other better. And maybe we’ll run into each other in ten years and laugh about all this, and we’ll agree that it was for the best because it long stopped hurting by then and we can look back and see all the good it brought us.”

Feeling cold in the absence of his touch, Harvey swallows, blinking against the picture he paints. He should have expected this; he _did_ expect it, but hearing it from his mouth is something else entirely.

This is really it. The wonderful, incredible year they’ve had, and after tonight they might never see each other again.

His thoughts must be showing on his face, or maybe Charlie just knows him that well. He puts a hand on his knee, offering a small smile as he asks, “You know why we can’t do this, don’t you?”

Harvey nods, but he says it anyway, and maybe that’s for the best. Maybe he needs to hear it.

“If it’s not fair to be with me when you want someone else, then it’s not fair to ask me to stay your friend while you go after him.”

Straightening, he adds, “I love you, Harvey, I really do. And I’ll always remember you like that. But you can’t be part of my life anymore after this. I think you and Mike are enough proof that moving on is impossible when the person you love is right there.”

Yeah, that checks out.

And Harvey gets it. This is right, this is what needs to happen. Because he does love Charlie too, and he needs to really let him go if he wants to make things work with Mike. If he wants to make sure this wasn’t for nothing.

Besides, he’s the one who started this. He can’t be mad about having to live with the consequences.

“You’re right. You’re right. I get it. I just… I wish this didn’t need to happen.”

It’s rich, coming from him, but Charlie just nods. Harvey aches with the fondness washing over him, the reminder of what drew him to this man in the first place. This kind of gentleness, of goodness, it’s hard to come by.

And here he is, giving it all up.

“But this is where we are.”

“Yeah. It is.”

And despite the sorrow that’s already making a home in his stomach, despite the bitter taste of regret on his tongue, he’d do it again if he had to.

Inhaling sharply, Harvey straightens and allows himself a real look at him, trying not to think about the fact that it’s the last time.

“Thank you. For everything. And I’m sorry.”

It’s too little, too late, utterly inadequate and it won’t change a damn thing, but he just needs to say it. He needs him to know.

“Thank you too. And for being honest.” The corner of Charlie’s mouth lifts in a wistful smile. “I’m still glad I met you.”

Swallowing, Harvey takes his hand and raises it to his lips, leaving a lingering kiss before he lets go.

“I love you too. Don’t doubt that.”

“I don’t. But I’m not sure if that makes it better or worse either.”

Harvey doesn’t have an answer to that.

Silence spreads between them as Charlie wipes his nose, then presses his palms together in his lap, making him look impossibly small.

“I think it’s best if you go now.”

Trying not to flinch, Harvey nods.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “Yeah, of course. I’ll… leave you to it.”

He gets up, turning around once more with his hand on the doorknob. This can’t be the last thing they say to each other. It can’t be.

“Maybe I’ll see you around sometime.”

In ten years, when they’re both happy, when neither of them has a broken heart anymore and they can both laugh about this.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

“Yeah. Maybe.”

He lets out a deep breath, then nods, just once.

“Take care, Charlie.”

With one last look, he opens the door and heads out, not allowing himself to think about what he’s leaving behind until he’s several blocks away and it’s entirely out of reach.

It’s done. It’s over. This good, genuinely good thing he had in his life, something so solid and rewarding, and he gave it up for a maybe.

He’d still do it again, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hurting like hell right now.

It doesn’t fully sink in until he’s halfway to his apartment, and the prospect of going back to that empty space and facing this new reality is so revolting that he turns on the spot, not knowing where he’s headed except that it’s somewhere far, far away.

He walks, taking turns at random, wandering around the city aimlessly until his legs get tired, but at least the trepidation in his chest eases a little.

He continues walking, watching the light fading from the sky ahead of him, watching the darkness spread out, the sound of his own pulse in his ears a steady rhythm that doesn’t let up, that keeps him going.

It shouldn’t have surprised him that his feet eventually carry him to Mike’s apartment.

It must have gotten late, but the lights are on, and it doesn’t take long for him to open up, his eyebrows lifting at the sight of him.

“Harvey.”

It only takes one look for his surprise to fade into a frown.

“Are you alright?”

“I don’t know,” Harvey tells him honestly. Before he can say anything else, he shakes his head and holds up a hand. “Look, I’m not here because of- last time. I can’t talk about this tonight. I’m not ready for that. I need time.”

Mike nods slowly. “Okay.”

Harvey runs a hand over his mouth.

“I don’t know if this is fair to you, showing up here after what we talked about. But right now, I really need my best friend.”

Whatever he expected to hear in response, Mike doesn’t say it. He just steps aside wordlessly to let him in, closing the door before following him into the living room.

He probably has dozens of questions, but he only asks once they’re both sitting down, his voice remarkably casual, “Wanna talk about what happened?”

It’s okay if he says no, Harvey knows that. But it needs to be said at one point, and it’ll do him good to face it. Running from these things has never led him anywhere.

“We broke up,” he says simply. “He was really gracious about it, which somehow makes it even worse. I’m… we won’t see each other again. Which I should have expected, and I know it’s the right thing for both of us, but it’s still hard.”

“I can imagine.” Mike regards him quietly, fidgeting with his hands. “Do you regret it?”

Harvey huffs. “Yes. But not in that way. I’d do it again, if that’s what you’re asking. I still think it’s the right decision. We both do, actually. I just wish we could have skipped this part.”

Mike nods slowly.

“What can I do?”

Sighing, Harvey shakes his head. “You don’t have to do anything. I just don’t wanna be alone right now. If you’ve got things to do, you can just pretend I’m not here.”

The corner of Mike’s mouth lifts. “Yeah, that’s not gonna happen. Have you eaten?”

He shakes his head.

“Good, me neither. Let’s figure that out first.”

The question of why he hasn’t had dinner when it’s so late already is on the tip of Harvey’s tongue, but he swallows it, something telling him that the answer wouldn’t satisfy him anyway.

Instead he watches silently as Mike heads to the kitchen, taking in the narrow frame of his shoulders that used to be filled out a lot more than it is now, the slim waist his loose shirt is only partially concealing. This looks like the Mike he met back in that hotel room, so many years ago. And this time he doesn’t have the excuse of biking for a living to explain it.

Harvey isn’t stupid. He has noticed that Mike’s relationship with food has been weird since he got back, and he may not have figured out what’s behind it, or if there’s a pattern to it, but he’s pretty sure it’s something that should be addressed. One of many things, actually.

But that’s a conversation for another day.

He doesn’t have the capacity to open that can of worms now, never mind that he wouldn’t even know where to start. And when Mike puts a plate with pasta in front of him half an hour later, digging into his own without hesitation, he allows himself to let it slide for the moment and just focus on his own wounds that need tending to.

Finishing his food without much enthusiasm, though that’s more down to his state of mind than what Mike whipped up, Harvey puts his plate in the sink and sits down again, staring ahead without seeing anything.

Taking the hint that he doesn’t feel like talking right now, Mike suggests watching something once he’s done too, not asking what he’s in the mood for when Harvey just nods.

His eyes sting when he realizes that he’s putting on Star Trek, incidentally picking an episode that he’s particularly fond of.

Harvey can’t remember if he ever mentioned the fact to him, but even if he did, it must have been ages ago. And the fact alone that he’s doing this for him when he clearly has little interest in the matter himself is so touching that he doesn’t react at all, afraid of losing his composure entirely once he lets on how moved he is.

Mike doesn’t seem to expect any response. He sits down next to him, but stoically keeps his eyes on the TV, offering comfort and privacy in equal parts.

They watch the episode in silence.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” Harvey asks when the end credits start.

Mike glances at him, the corner of his mouth lifting. “No. It wasn’t. Another one?”

When Harvey shrugs, he eyes him more closely.

“You look like you could use some rest.”

“Yeah. Probably.”

The prospect of lying down and being left alone with his thoughts isn’t exactly appealing, but there’s no denying the exhaustion spreading inside him.

Mike searches his face, then suggests, “You can take the bed if you want.”

He should decline, should head home, probably, but even the way from the sofa to Mike’s bedroom seems like too much of an effort right now.

Besides, there’s a lot of bars between Mike’s apartment and his. Might be for the best to stay where he is and not tempt himself.

“If you’re sure,” he says, and Mike nods.

“I’ll put out some clothes and a toothbrush for you. If you want to take a shower, there’s towels and everything in the bathroom.”

“Thanks.”

Forgoing the shower, Harvey changes and gets ready for bed, sinking down on the mattress while Mike carries a few blankets over to him.

“If there’s anything else you need, let me know. Or just take it.”

“I will. Thank you.”

Mike nods, scratching his neck as he regards him.

“Are you gonna be okay?”

Who knows?

He’s sure he will be, eventually. But tonight? He’s not all that certain about that.

“Yeah,” he makes himself say, but it’s clearly not convincing.

Mike drops his arms, rubbing his elbow. “Do you want me to go?”

He doesn’t. He really, really doesn’t, only realizing now that he’s about to be alone how much he’s been relying on Mike’s presence to get him through this, how much he still needs it, but he doesn’t find the words to say as much when things are so weird between them, when everything could send a message he’s in no state of mind to think through right now. He wants it desperately, but he doesn’t know how to ask for it.

Apparently he doesn’t need to. Mike takes his silence as an answer, only looking torn for a second before he makes up his mind.

“Give me a minute. I’ll be right back.”

Harvey can only nod, not knowing what he has in mind, but not having the capacity to ask either. It doesn’t really matter. As long as he doesn’t have to face the downward spiral of his thoughts alone, he’ll take it.

This brief interlude of solitude already feels like too much to deal with, leaving too much room for everything that he’s been trying so hard to keep at bay to build up and wash over him.

Well, repressing his feelings has never gotten him anywhere. Might as well give in to them and hope they’ll get easier to stomach in time.

Sinking down on the mattress, Harvey rolls onto his side and tries to breathe around the hole in his chest, to maintain this equilibrium where he allows the pain to exist but doesn’t fall apart under the weight of it.

The lights turn off when Mike returns, his soft footsteps stopping a few inches from him.

He only pauses briefly before he gets into bed behind him, scooting over until they’re almost touching. Harvey can hear the breath he takes before he slowly, carefully wraps his arm around his waist, giving him enough time to pull away, to tell him to stop.

He doesn’t.

His hold on him is light, barely more than a comfortable weight grounding him where he is, reminding him that he’s not alone.

“This okay?”

Mike’s voice is low and rough in the silence, betraying his uncertainty. Harvey nods mutely, hoping he’ll pick up on it in the dim room.

Mike exhales quietly.

“Tell me if it’s too much. Nothing’s going to happen, but if you’d rather be left alone…”

The words won’t come, impossible to get past the emotions clogging up his throat, the pain and the yearning and the unspeakable gratitude, the relief that Mike is here with him, the overwhelming desire to keep him there.

But that’s not how it works.

If they’re ever going to figure this out, they need to learn how to talk about these things. How to ask for what they want and not be scared of the repercussions. To be honest, even if it puts them in a vulnerable position.

Harvey has been making an effort with that. He can’t stop now, not when it matters most.

He puts his hand over Mike’s, squeezing firmly as he mutters, “Stay.”

Mike doesn’t move at all before a quiet exhale escapes him, almost a sigh. Resting his forehead against his shoulder, he tightens his hold on him.

Harvey can hear every one of his breaths, calm and steady in the silence, a rhythm he gladly follows until the trepidation in him subsides.

“I’m here,” Mike murmurs, barely audible and yet perfectly clear. “I’ve got you. You’re not alone.”

He’s not. It may feel like it, but he’s not alone. He never is.

It’s something he still can’t quite bring himself to believe, but god, he has to keep trying. And right now, with Mike next to him, a steady and unwavering presence that isn’t going to disappear, that’s holding him safely and securely for as long as he needs it, it’s almost easy to take a leap of faith. And that’s what it’s all about, this whole thing, whatever’s going to happen now. He can’t know for sure if it’s going to work out, but he has to believe that it can.

He needs to have faith. And when Mike is holding him like this, his gentle murmurs carrying him into an almost meditative state, he thinks he might just be able to do that. Like this, he thinks that there isn’t much he _couldn’t_ do.

Mike’s arm around him never falters, never disappears, and in time the pounding of his heart fades into a poignant, but peaceful rhythm. He’s overly aware of the points of contact between them, every part of his body that’s touching Mike’s. He’s still hurting, still needs to lick his wounds, but there’s room for wonder in him too, to marvel at the improbability of his being here, of Mike holding him, his steady breathing warm on his back.

He didn’t think he’d be able to fall asleep like this, but he either underestimated the calming effect of being with Mike or the emotional exhaustion weighing him down. He doesn’t notice himself drifting off, only waking up again when the room is already flooded with sunlight, tickling his nose and casting everything in a bright glow.

It’s quiet, no sounds except his own breathing and Mike’s behind him, evidently still asleep. His arm has slipped a little during the night, but it’s still on his waist, never quite letting go. Not daring to move, lest he disturb the peaceful moment or cause Mike to draw back, Harvey stays perfectly still, acknowledging the surrealism of the situation before simply accepting it.

As fundamentally strange as it is to be here, it also feels right. It feels _good_. It surprises him, that he can appreciate it despite everything that’s going on, even though it shouldn’t. That’s another thing he’s learned to be true over and over but still finds hard to believe; that even at his lowest moments, there can be light and goodness and, well, hope.

It’s not black and white, it never is, and as messy and complicated as that makes things, there’s also beauty in that. There’s comfort.

In the silence of the room, Harvey uses the precious moment of tranquility he’s being granted and turns his focus inwards, trying to figure out how he feels.

Emotionally hungover probably describes it best. He’s still hurting. He still feels raw, but it’s less immediate than it was last night. It’s not healing yet, likely not for a while, but it’s the kind of ache that just needs time to work itself out.

Luckily, he’s got nothing but.

In no rush to get up, Harvey stays where he is, allowing himself to just hurt for the moment, to draw comfort from Mike’s touch. Eventually he shifts, his arm slipping from his waist as he moves, and Harvey rolls over to face him.

There’s no awkwardness, no regrets about having slept together, even if only in the most innocent sense of the word. Mike blinks at him, sleepy but alert, his eyes moving over his face like they’re searching for something.

Harvey wonders if he finds it.

“Morning,” he says into the quiet.

“Hi. How are you feeling?”

Mike’s voice is rough from disuse. The sound makes his chest constrict. Taking a deep breath, Harvey sits up to bring some space between them.

“I don’t know. Worn out. But… I’ll be fine. It’s fine.”

It’s not fine yet, but he figures a little white lie to make this easier on both of them won’t hurt anyone.

Mike nods. Sitting up too, he pulls his knees to his chest, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Think you can get something down? I could try my hand at pancakes. Or get some bagels. The deli around the block has really good ones.”

The idea of eating is making him slightly nauseous, so Harvey shakes his head.

“Just some coffee is fine, thanks.”

“Alright. You can use the bathroom first if you want, I’ll get the coffee machine going in the meantime.”

He nods, watching him get out of bed and pad towards the kitchen, the grey cotton shirt and his mussed hair making him look so soft and approachable that Harvey has to swallow.

Is that what it would be like, then? Being with Mike? Living with him? Waking up with him every day?

It surprises him a little, the veracity he wants that with.

He wants to see more of Mike in the mornings. He wants entire mornings spent in bed, actually, he wants more cuddling than what they did last night, he wants more, period.

But it’s too soon. He can’t dive into this already, not when he’s still reeling from his break-up, when he still thinks about someone else every time he closes his eyes.

Just like he couldn’t be with Charlie when his heart was somewhere else, he can’t be with Mike before he’s let Charlie go.

Running a hand over his face, Harvey pauses for a beat or two before he can pull himself together and rolls out of bed with a sigh.

There’s a steaming cup of coffee waiting for him on the table when he returns in his clothes from last night, exactly as he likes it.

The corner of his mouth lifts.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Sure you don’t wanna eat?”

“You don’t have to feed me up, Mike. It’s fine.”

Mike sits down as well, his own cup before him. “Just trying to be a good host.”

Probably more a friend than a host, but it doesn’t make a difference. He’s going above and beyond as both.

“Feel free to have something though. I don’t mind.”

Mike shrugs. “I’m not all that hungry.”

Right. That.

Another time, Harvey reminds himself. They drink their coffee in companionable silence. He doesn’t speak until he’s done, pushing the cup away with a sigh.

When Mike catches his eyes, he gives him a small smile.

“Thank you. For last night.”

“Don’t mention it.”

He doesn’t say more, doesn’t ask, but Harvey has noticed him eyeing his clothes, the question going unspoken as he waits for him to start talking.

He supposes it’s time. Sitting it out isn’t going to make this any easier.

“I think I need some time,” he begins. “By myself. I can’t… do this already. I want to, but it’s not right.”

Mike nods.

“I get it. Take as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere.”

Something else he’ll have to relearn to believe. When he glances at him, Mike’s face shows nothing but sincerity, making his next breath come a little easier.

“Thank you. I appreciate that.”

“Of course.” He waves his hand. “It’s the least I can do after- well. You know. Take your time, alright?”

“Yeah. I will.”

Mike throws him a look, scratching his neck.

“Just… I mean, don’t get me wrong, I understand that you need space. But if you feel like you’re getting lost in your own head or, you know, wanna do something destructive – call me. Or come over. Anytime. We don’t even have to talk. I can go into the next room and leave you alone if that’s what you want. But don’t feel like you have to fight every battle on your own.”

And he thinks he’s not a good person. Looks like Harvey isn’t the only one who has some relearning to do. Hopefully, in time, they’ll both get where they need to be.

“Thanks for the offer.” Regarding him, he adds, “Hey. We’ll figure this out, alright?”

Mike’s throat bobs before he nods, the corner of his mouth lifting.

“Of course we will. There’s nothing we haven’t figured out so far, is there?”

He can’t really argue with that.

“Would be one hell of a coincidence if that started now,” he agrees lightly, with more confidence than he feels, but that’s alright. White lies.

They’ll get there.

Mike lets out a deep breath when he pushes his chair back, getting ready to leave.

“You gonna be okay?”

Rising from his seat, Harvey cracks a smile. “If I feel like getting drunk, I’ll call you.”

Hopefully it won’t come to that.

Mike just nods, pursing his lips as he watches him put on his jacket. He looks around one last time before his eyes land on him.

“I’ll see you at the office. And… I’ll be in touch. If I need anything.”

Mike sucks in his lip, nodding again. “Take care.”

_Take care, Charlie._

Harvey closes his eyes briefly before he opens the door and heads out.

The idea of going back to his apartment and being alone with his thoughts still terrifies him, but he knows it’s what he needs to do. He needs to be able to deal with this without relying on someone else, because he may not be on his own, but that doesn’t mean he has to make his wellbeing depend on that.

He doesn’t want to be dependent anymore, he made that decision a long time ago.

And there’s more to that than just independence from others.

The first thing he does when he gets home is retrieve the whiskey he keeps around for special occasions or visitors and pours it down the drain to the last drop.

It’s a shame; the bottle cost more than some people earn in a month and it’s one of his favorites, but that’s exactly the problem. He doesn’t need any more temptation, not when he’s already feeling this fragile. Better safe than sorry, and it’s not like he can’t afford to restock once he’s more stable again.

He doesn’t exactly feel better when he’s done, or less in want of a drink – the smell has done nothing to stifle that desire – but he knows he did the right thing.

He’ll feel good about it eventually.

It’s a thought he repeats to himself over and over, about his break-up too, until he gets so used to it that he starts believing it.

After using the remaining weekend to wallow in his misery – there’s a time and place for everything – Harvey rolls up his sleeves come Monday and gets to work, determined to move things forward at least a little.

He won’t pretend the solitude waiting for him as soon as he gets out of the office isn’t making him crave a drink, but the urge is not unbearable. He makes sure to stay out of triggering situations and places that might tempt him. His therapy session that week is a good starting point, offering him the support he needs when he feels like the desire is getting too strong to handle.

It doesn’t. The strict workout regime he imposes on himself helps too, giving him an outlet and a way to channel his frustration and pain that won’t end up hurting him even more. Work is keeping him sufficiently distracted during the day, allowing him to face the reality of his situation when he gets home in the evenings with a modicum of grace.

It’s a battle every damn day, but at least it’s uphill.

He stops thinking about getting a drink all the damn time eventually. He stops looking at the pictures of Charlie and him on his phone and puts them in a folder instead where he doesn’t have to see them without warning, but knows where to find them when he wants to remember. Not yet. Probably not for a while. But one day, maybe.

He keeps working out, going on a run daily, sometimes twice if the emptiness of his apartment becomes too much to deal with.

He moves forward.

It’s not a linear process, and certainly not a fast one, but there’s time.

And granting himself that seems to be key. Four weeks after the break-up, Harvey thinks he might be ready to talk to Mike about the next step.

They’ve seen each other at the office, though not for more than a few minutes at a time, and it’s not the right place for that conversation anyway.

Making up his mind, Harvey texts him, _Do you want to come over on Saturday?_

It’s admittedly rather vague, mostly because he himself hasn’t figured out the best way to go about this yet, but Mike doesn’t seem to require more information.

_Let me know when and I’ll be there_ , is all he replies.

They agree to meet up in the afternoon, giving Harvey a little more time to mull things over.

He’s surprised by the flutter of nervousness in his belly when the doorbell rings, berating himself for the juvenile reaction.

This is Mike. They’ll just talk, and whatever happens, happens.

No need to start acting like a lovesick teenager.

Above any lingering worries he may have, he’s mostly just happy to see him though. He’s been doing alright on his own, but he could still use a friend, and he always wants to see Mike, no matter the circumstances.

“Hey. Thanks for asking me over,” Mike says when he opens the door, rubbing his arm.

The little gesture makes Harvey smile. He’s nervous too.

Funnily enough, it helps calm him down in return.

“Thank you for coming,” he says, closing the door before leading him to the living room. “I know I haven’t been very- communicative since the break-up.”

Mike waves his hand. “I told you, it’s fine. We don’t have to talk about anything if you’re not ready.”

“Yeah. I thought we _could_ talk, though. Now.”

Mike nods slowly.

“Right, yeah. I wasn’t sure if that’s what you were going for or if you just wanted to hang out, but- yeah. Let’s do that.”

Harvey gestures towards the sofa.

“Let’s sit down.”

They do, not quite at the far end but conscious of leaving some space between them. He wonders if Mike is as aware of the distance as he is.

It’s still strange, to think that he isn’t in this on his own anymore. That Mike feels the same way.

Silence falls between them as they look at each other, neither of them seeming to know where to start.

It almost makes Harvey laugh. How are they both so bad at this?

“How have you been?” Mike eventually breaks the quiet, genuine interest in his voice rather than stiff politeness.

“Alright. Not great, I’m not gonna lie about that, but it was… fine. Dealing with things constructively is a pain in the ass, but it does pay off.”

Mike cracks a smile. “So people say. Gotta give that a try sometime.”

Harvey makes an acknowledging sound, but doesn’t respond further. They’ll get back to that later.

“I’ve been thinking,” he carries on instead. “I’ll be honest, I’m nowhere near over this thing with Charlie yet, but I’m at a point where I can see it getting better. It’s already getting better, it’ll just… take a while for that to really take root, I think. I’ll need more time.”

“Of course,” Mike says immediately. “I told you, there’s no rush. And it’s not like I expect you to get over this serious relationship overnight. I get it.”

“Good. That’s good. I’m glad.” He eyes him, sucking in his lip. “I do need more time. But that doesn’t mean we have to… stay apart until I get there. If that’s alright with you.”

When Mike lifts an eyebrow, he explains, “I have a proposition to make. This is just an idea, obviously. But I thought… we’re friends. And even if we’re not doing this right away, I still want to spend time with you. So how about we just keep seeing each other, and in time, whenever it feels right, we start taking this to the next level?”

Mike narrows his eyes. “So you… want us to date, only not just yet.”

“Yeah, more or less. I mean, if we realize we’re ready in, say, two weeks already, then sure, let’s go for it. I just think we should give ourselves the opportunity to take it slow. Our recent break-ups and… our history don’t exactly make this the smoothest start of a relationship, but we gotta work with what we have.”

He lifts his shoulders.

“I want to be with you, but I won’t dive into this when I still have these feelings for Charlie. I don’t know where you’re at with Rachel, but I imagine you may want to avoid any rash decisions about future relationships as well. So let’s just… go slow. Get to know each other again. Try things and see if they work for us. And keep talking about where we stand.”

“Yeah, that sounds reasonable,” Mike mutters.

Harvey purses his lips.

“If you don’t want that, if you’d rather wait until both of those relationships are really behind us, I get it. Just let me know and we’ll figure something out that works for both of us.”

Mike gives him an amused look. “Are we negotiating right now?”

“I mean, that’s what we do.”

“Not usually on your sofa, in your apartment, about our relationship, but yeah. Point taken.” Mike shifts to get a better look at him. “I think it’s a good idea. I don’t know, this probably sounds terrible, but… I’m over Rachel. It’s been great talking to her again, but apart from the fact that we _can_ be friends, it’s just shown me that I’m definitely past it. So the only thing you need to worry about is you, okay? I’ll be here whenever you’re ready. You call the shots.”

Harvey smiles at the familiar words, nodding in acknowledgment. “Alright. Sounds good to me.”

“Yeah, me too.”

They regard each other quietly.

“So… we’ll just hang out for now,” Mike summarizes. “Like friends. That’s cool.”

He sounds rather unenthusiastic on the last part, and Harvey has to bite his lip to keep his smile at bay, humming noncommittally.

“Well. Maybe not entirely like friends.”

There’s still the distance that they made a point to put between them, but even so they’re close, close enough that they’d only have to reach out to bridge it.

Harvey slides his hand over the surface, closer to where Mike’s is resting almost demonstratively between them.

He doesn’t mean to, but holds his breath on instinct when he traces the skin on the back of his hand. Mike barely moves, his fingers shifting just slightly in acknowledgement, brushing his where they connect.

For all the innocence of the touch, it’s still staggering. Because it’s with intent. It’s undoubtedly romantic, intentional, and most importantly, it’s reciprocated.

Looking up, Harvey exhales quietly when he meets Mike’s eyes, lingering on his with a burning intensity for far too long to be accidental. He wants him to see how he feels. That he’s affected too, that they’re in this together.

Like there could still be any doubt about that.

“Yeah, no, I don’t usually do this with my friends,” Mike agrees, his voice slightly hoarse.

“Me neither.”

“I guess we were never your typical pair of friends.”

“Clearly not.”

Harvey searches his face, then drops his eyes to his hand, tapping it with his thumb.

“It’s weird, isn’t it? To just… say these things now. Allowing them.”

“Tell me about it,” Mike mutters. “I didn’t even let myself acknowledge what I felt for you for the longest time. This is all very… new.” He tilts his head, conceding. “Slow is probably a good approach. And- talking. About what we want.”

“Even if it’s weird,” Harvey agrees. “That’s the only way this is gonna work.”

“Yeah. And we want it to.”

“We really, really do.”

They both smile. His eyes dart to Mike’s lips when his tongue flicks over it. He could draw back now, reinstate the safe distance between them, but Harvey finds that he doesn’t want that.

He doesn’t want that at all.

“Can we try something?” he murmurs. Mike’s eyes snap to his. Harvey wasn’t even sure he was going to say it until he did, but he holds his gaze unwaveringly, certainly not about to back down now.

“Yeah. Sure.” It’s barely more than a breath, the low tone of his voice making his stomach prickle in the best possible way. “What do you wanna try?”

Instead of responding, Harvey leans in, slow enough for him to pull back.

“If you want me to stop, just say the word.”

The corner of Mike’s mouth lifts. “Yeah, I don’t think I will.”

Rather than waiting, he shifts to meet him halfway; gently, but without hesitation.

Harvey feels the first touch of his lips in his entire body. It’s quiet, and tame, and nothing short of monumental, like everything inside him is shifting into place, going where it was always meant to be.

It’s the most natural, obvious thing in the world. They were _supposed_ to do this, to be together like that. Two halves of the same whole, except the whole is so much bigger than anything he dared to hope for, anything he might have imagined.

And this is just a kiss. The mere idea of what doing more than that with Mike would feel like is enough to leave Harvey dizzy.

Luckily, Mike is there to ground him, a warm and constant presence that Harvey finds impossible to part from.

He does eventually, the kiss coming to a natural end, though they don’t pull back right away, staying close instead, just breathing.

Mike is the one to bring some space between them, dropping his head on the backrest.

“Hm.” He touches his lips absently, looking ahead. “So that was good.”

“I’ll say.” Harvey clears his throat. “Bears repeating, if you ask me.”

“Definitely,” Mike agrees, turning to glance at him. His eyes fall on his mouth, and Harvey doesn’t even think about it, simply cups his cheek and leans in again.

This kiss is less chaste, a little bolder this time, their breathing growing slightly heavier as they explore each other’s lips rather than just feeling them. There’s something intoxicating about the way Mike kisses him, the clear desire behind it despite the fact that neither of them is moving it into a less innocent direction, and Harvey realizes that it’s going to take him no time at all to get addicted to this. He already feels it, the need for more taking hold of him very thoroughly very fast.

But they’re not doing this fast. And he may not remember it right now, but there’s a reason for that.

Reluctantly, Harvey only lingers for another moment before he breaks the kiss, feeling the pronounced beating of his heart as he draws back.

They gaze at each other, and despite how much Harvey wants to continue this, they stay apart by some unspoken agreement.

Slow, he reminds himself.

“I’m… very much in favor of this,” he begins, trying to clear his head enough to make sense.

“Good. Great. I was hoping you’d say that.”

“Absolutely. And I’m sure we’ll get back to that, in time. But there’s still some stuff we should talk about.”

Mike smiles dryly. “Hard to do that when your mouth is occupied otherwise,” he agrees, shifting to bring a little more space between them.

Harvey squeezes his hand in acknowledgment, then lets go and sits up.

“I want to ask something of you. I think we’ve been through enough shit to agree that this whole not talking thing, and lashing out because the other can’t read our mind and give us what we need… it’s not working. I know we said we’d work on that, but I also know that’s easy to say when you’re not in a situation that _requires_ talking. Because it’s hard, being open and letting yourself be vulnerable when it comes to it.”

He swallows, frowning as he meets Mike’s eyes.

“Promise me that you’ll do it anyway. Even when it’s hard. That you’ll at least try. Just give me something, and I’ll do my best to meet you halfway, but I can’t know what’s going on or what you need me to do when you don’t talk to me.”

Mike searches his face, then nods.

“I know how hard it is. Been there, done that, right? But I also know that it’s easier with you, now that we’re- doing this. Being honest with each other. And I think it’s a matter of practice, so it’s only going to get better from here on. I mean, look at you. You refused to admit you even had feelings when I met you, and now you can just… talk about this stuff like it’s nothing. If that isn’t proof that anything’s possible, I don’t know what is.”

Harvey raises an eyebrow, the corner of his mouth lifting. “I’m taking that as a compliment.”

“It is one.” Mike huffs. “Maybe I have to work on those as well. But… I promise. I’ll talk to you, even when it’s hard. Especially then. I won’t shut you out.”

“Thank you. It goes without saying that I promise you the same.” Harvey offers a small smile. “I hope you realize that this is it for me. I don’t think anyone could come after you, but even if they could… I want you to be my last.” He takes his hand, squeezing gently. “And I won’t leave a stone unturned to make sure that you are.”

Mike lifts an eyebrow. “That’s really romantic of you. I dig it.”

Harvey huffs out a laugh, but sobers quickly, taking a deep breath as he glances at him.

“Which is why I have something else to say to you. Please just listen, okay? Try not to get mad. This is… uncomfortable, but we need to be able to say these things to each other if we’re going to make this work.”

Mike frowns, nodding slowly. “Okay? Just… tell me. I can handle it.”

Harvey clears his throat.

“I don’t think there’s a right way to go about this, so I’ll just come out and say it. You have some issues that need to be addressed, Mike. The way you act sometimes when you feel attacked, that you feel so attacked in the first place, how you… think of yourself. That’s- problematic. It’s not healthy. I think there’s a lot of self-loathing inside you. And I think you need someone to help you get rid of that.”

Mike regards him quietly, a complicated look on his face.

“You’re helping,” he eventually says, tugging at Harvey’s heartstrings and making his stomach flutter even as it twists. He’s not even denying it.

He supposes that’s progress, at least.

“I’m glad. I really am. But I can’t be that person for you. It shouldn’t be just me who helps you with that. We can’t make ourselves so reliant on each other. I don’t want another dysfunctional, co-dependent relationship. They don’t last, and- we need to be alright by ourselves before we try anything together. We deserve that, don’t you think?”

Mike pinches his lips and looks away.

Poor choice of words, maybe. Then again, perhaps it’ll help him see the point Harvey is trying to make.

Tightening his hold on his hand, he carries on, “I’ll always be here to support you, but I can’t do the heavy lifting. Not just because I wouldn’t even know how with my basic understanding of psychology. I just think that’s a weight we can’t carry for each other, and trying to do so anyway would eventually ruin us.”

Mike glances at him, then exhales slowly. He never retracts his hand, which Harvey takes as a good sign.

“No, you’re right. I actually… thought about this. While you were figuring everything out with Charlie. I think I could use getting some help. Professional help.” He grimaces. “I won’t pretend it isn’t weird for me to say that. You probably get it.”

“I do. But take it from me, it gets better over time.”

“Right.” Mike pinches his lips. “We’re being honest, yes? So I’ll be honest and say that I’m… really fucking reluctant to do this. I didn’t even make the decision to actually pursue it until now. But I think that just means I really should go for it. If I didn’t have anything that needed working on, I’d have no problem sitting down with someone to talk about my feelings, right? So… I’m gonna do it. I’ll put in the work.”

He turns his hand to twine their fingers together before raising his gaze to meet Harvey’s.

“I want to get better. And I want us to- not be weighed down by my issues. I figure that’s a good enough motivation to get over myself. Let some stranger press where it hurts.”

Harvey holds his hand firmly. “It’ll get easier,” he promises. “As long as you work with your therapist and not against them, you’ll find your way through it.”

“I sure hope so,” Mike mutters. He searches his face, frowning a little even as the corner of his mouth lifts. “You thought I’d get mad about this?”

“It’s a sore spot for some people,” Harvey gives back diplomatically.

Mike huffs. “And lately everything’s been a sore spot for me, I know.” Dropping his head back, he exhales deeply. “I’m not mad. I’m… glad you brought it up. And you’re right, we do need to be able to talk about these things. Uncomfortable things. I can’t promise I’ll always react in the way I should, but I’ll do my best to remind myself of that.”

Turning to him, his smile returns. “Cause, you know. I want you to be my last too.”

Harvey hums, feeling a weight lifting from him that makes everything feel so much lighter somehow. “We’re on the same page then. Good.”

“Yeah. Really good.”

“Between the two of us, we should be able to figure it out, don’t you think?”

There’s no guarantee of that, of course, no telling of what’s going to happen, what outside forces might drag them apart. But there never is. And as long as they’re both committed to this, both want the same thing and pull together to get it, Harvey is willing to take his chance.

“Yeah,” Mike agrees, and he doesn’t know if he really believes it or is thinking in the same direction as him, but either way, it’s all he needs to hear from him. “I really do think we should.”

*

Mike turns his phone in his hands, unlocking and locking it again for the third time, the files he meant to go through all but forgotten.

It’s no surprise that his thoughts keep wandering back to Harvey, to their first forays into _more than friends_ , small as they may have been. Despite his desire for more, he actually kind of likes what they’re doing now – if just kissing him already feels this good, just holding his hand, that’s all the indicator he needs for how spectacular the rest of it’s going to be. Something to look forward to, but something to enjoy while it lasts as well, this early stage in which every touch feels significant somehow.

Apart from that, his thoughts also keep wandering to Rachel.

They haven’t exactly been talking every day, but there’s a semi-regularity to their interactions now, and they seem to have found some common ground, a basis that allows them to talk to each other like normal people. _Actually_ talk.

He’d like to continue that. Which means that at one point, sooner or later, he’s going to have to tell her about Harvey and him.

Harvey and him. He huffs.

It’s not like they’re together, officially, or even seeing each other, but they’ve made it more than clear that this is where they’re headed eventually. And while he may not understand why Harvey would make that choice, Mike has no doubts that they will anymore.

So he’ll have to tell her.

It’s not that he thinks she’s going to mind. Much. They’re over, and they’ve both moved on, so there’s really no reason for her to mind. Except it’s Harvey, and that was always something of a raw point for them back when they were still together.

Well, no way out but through. He’ll just need to have faith in the fact that she’s reasonable enough to not make a big deal out of this.

Letting out a deep breath, he unlocks his phone again and opens their chat, hesitating briefly before he types, _Do you think you have a few minutes to spare sometime? I’d like to talk to you_

She reads the text right away and, instead of replying, promptly gives him a call.

Mike’s eyebrows lift before he accepts. “Hey.”

“Hey, Mike.”

The sound of her voice makes him smile. It’s really been a while, hasn’t it?

“You didn’t have to call me now.”

“Well, I wanted to. And I’m free to talk, which is rare, so we should use the opportunity while it lasts. Unless you have somewhere to be?”

“No, I’m free too. Andy’s still keeping you busy, I take it?”

She sighs. “It’s been a mess, Mike.”

Grimacing, he nods even though she can’t see it. There’s no need for her to elaborate; he understands everything she isn’t saying loud and clear. “I can imagine. I’m sorry to hear it, though.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

He purses his lips. “How are you, apart from that?”

“I’m fine. It’s just the same old, same old around here. Good, but really tiring.”

He only ever felt the latter part to be true, but he knows it was always different for her.

Should have been a clue, really.

“What about you?” she asks. “You said you wanted to talk. Are you alright?”

He clears his throat.

“Yeah. More than, actually. I just… there’s something I’d like to talk to you about because I feel like you should hear it from me.”

She hums. “Alright. Is it urgent?”

“Not really, no,” he says after a slight pause, frowning. “Why?”

“Then how about we discuss it in person instead?”

“Oh, you mean- you want to come to New York?”

“I’ve been thinking about it. I have so much overtime and I could really use getting away for a few days, so I’ve been considering stopping by for an extended weekend.” She lets out a deep breath. “I’d like to see my parents, and I’ve got a few more things to take care of in the city. People to talk to and… make amends with.”

“That sounds like a great idea. Andy’s not gonna like it, though.”

“Yeah, well. I don’t really care about that.”

Mike raises an eyebrow. Sounds like they really do have to talk.

“Well, I’d love to see you. Let me know when you have an exact date and we’ll figure something out.”

“I’d really like that,” Rachel says, her voice soft. Rather than letting the conversation end, she asks, “How are things otherwise? Is everyone doing alright?”

Deferring their conversation about Harvey and him isn’t the worst thing in the world, as far as Mike is concerned, so he’s more than happy to tell her just about everything else that’s going on around him.

They end up talking for half an hour, and Rachel promises to be in touch regarding her visit before they hang up.

She texts him only a few days later, announcing that she’ll be in the city the following weekend, and Mike makes dinner reservations for them right away, telling her when and where to meet him and how much he looks forward to seeing her.

It wasn’t a lie, but he still finds himself fidgeting with his sleeves as he waits for her at the restaurant – one of her old favorites, they used to come here quite a lot before they moved away. Maybe it’ll put her in a good enough mood to soften the blow when he tells her the news.

Or maybe it won’t be a blow at all and she’ll take it in stride. Maybe they’ve done all the fighting they had to do.

He finds it hard to believe that things might go so smoothly, but life has made it a habit to surprise him with good things lately. Maybe this is another one of those. One can hope, right?

Rachel spots him first as he paces on the pavement, already smiling when he sees her. The sight makes his next breath come a little easier, and they only look at each other briefly before they step into a hug, as short as it is heartfelt.

“Hey, Mike,” she mutters into his ear.

“Hey. How was your flight?”

“Long,” she says, drawing back. “I’m glad to be here now.”

“Well, I’m glad you’re here too. It’s good to see you.”

“And you.” She tilts her head towards the entrance. “Shall we go inside? I don’t mean to rush you, but the food on the plane wasn’t exactly great and I’m starving.”

He holds the door open and steps aside. “Well, we can’t have that. Let’s go.”

They chat as they follow the waitress to their table and choose their orders, steering clear of any heavier topics for the moment. Mike is relieved to find that there’s no awkwardness, enjoying the pleasant conversation for as long as it will last.

It’s strange to see her again, but not in a bad way. It’s just been a while, which is weird after how they more or less saw each other every day for the past decade.

Her hair is different now, a little shorter, the part a little farther left. She’s wearing a blouse he’s never seen on her, a subtle shade of red on her lips that he can’t remember ever noticing before. Her face looks different too, but that might just be because he hasn’t seen it in a while.

Still, time has undeniably passed. Mike briefly wonders how much there is that changed that _isn’t_ visible, that he can’t just see by looking at her. There’s no way she could tell the full extent of what’s been going on with him from a look, after all. Who’s to say that it isn’t the same for her?

He wonders if she’s seeing anyone as well, and then pauses to reflect on how that would make him feel. It’s a strange thought, absolutely, but he doesn’t think it goes beyond that. Which is a relief. He can only hope she’ll feel the same way when he tells her his news.

When the waitress has brought them their wine and they clink glasses, a brief silence falls that Mike thinks is as good an opening as any.

Encouraged by the smooth start they’ve had, he takes a deep breath and begins.

“So, before I tell you what I wanted to talk about, I need to say something else. I… owe you an apology. Probably more than that, all things considered, but let me start with this one. I’m sorry for how I behaved before we split up. I know I was an asshole. I was unreasonable, self-centered, and pretty much acted like everyone was out to get me, including you when you weren’t on my side a hundred percent. That was really unfair to you, and I’m sorry I put you through that for so long. I should have realized something was up with me after prison, but… well, at least I realized now. I have some stuff to work through, still. Big stuff. I’m only just getting started with all that, but… I am.”

He shrugs, forcing himself to hold her gaze, to not give in to the instinct to look away.

“I don’t know if things would have gone differently between us if I’d gotten to this point sooner, and I don’t know if they should have. I… won’t lie and say that I regret that it came to this, because I think we’re better off as friends and- I think I might actually be happy where I am now. Or I will be. And I really hope you are too. But I still wanted to tell you this.”

Rachel listens to his apology quietly, playing with the stem of her glass without ever picking it up.

“Thank you for saying that,” she breaks the small silence. “This is… unexpected, to be honest, though I really appreciate hearing it. But I don’t hold it against you, the way things turned out. Really. Sure, you messed up, but I can’t deny that I did, too. I should have seen there was something going on with you, that you hadn’t just changed for no reason. I’m to blame as well.”

Mike offers a small smile.

“Let’s not talk about blame. I think we’ve done enough of that for a lifetime.”

“Yes,” she agrees. “Let’s not. To be honest, I don’t know if it would have changed anything if you’d gotten to this point sooner either, but something tells me that it wouldn’t have. We _are_ better friends than we were partners, I can finally admit that to myself. Maybe we could have saved ourselves some heartache if we’d realized that earlier, but it is what it is now, isn’t it?”

She shakes her head, smiling too.

“And as bumpy as the road here was, this is… good, I think. I’m doing much better, and from the looks and sound of it, you are too.” She regards him intently, a gentleness in her eyes that makes Mike swallow.

“You seem different, you know? Not only because of what you just told me, but also… I don’t know. You’re calmer. Like you actually could be happy here. And you deserve that. You deserve to be happy, Mike.”

It takes him a moment to find his voice, clearing his throat before he speaks.

“Yeah, I… I’m learning to believe that too. It’s- not easy. But I’m trying.”

“I can tell. And I have no doubt that you’ll get there.”

Giving him a thoughtful look, she puts her elbows on the table and asks, “So what else did you want to talk about?”

Her tone is gentle, no pressure behind it, but Mike takes a deep breath and straightens anyway, knowing that it’s time.

“I’ve got some news,” he begins, halting. “To be honest, it’s really strange to tell you this because- well, you’ll see. I… yeah, I think I just need to say this and rip the band-aid off.”

He scratches his neck, forcing himself to meet her eyes. “So Harvey and I are sort of… seeing each other.”

For a painfully long moment, Rachel just blinks at him before she sits back, her eyebrows rising as she crosses her arms.

“Well, would you look at that,” she mutters. “I was right after all.”

Mike can’t be sure, but he’s almost certain there’s a trace of humor in her voice.

Before he can ask her to clarify, she continues, “I won’t lie, this does come as a surprise, but it also doesn’t, not really. I mean, I knew about Harvey, but you…”

She trails off, shaking her head as she looks at him.

Mike frowns. “Wait a minute. You knew about Harvey?”

Rachel scoffs. “Please, Mike. Of course I did. How didn’t _you_ know about Harvey?”

He stares at her. “I… thought he was straight.”

Rachel huffs. “Right. And he probably thought the same thing about you.” Cocking her head, she regards him curiously. “Looks like you finally figured it out, though. How the hell did that happen?”

“It’s a bit of a long story,” Mike says with a laugh, the tension he was holding falling away from him at her response. And then he tells her everything. About Charlie, about Harvey’s confession, about everything unraveling until it eventually led them here. About the things he realized about himself along the way, the things he can finally admit to.

“So now we’re… taking it slow,” he finishes, lifting his shoulders. “Seeing where it leads us. Though we both agree where we _want_ it to lead, eventually.”

“I see,” Rachel says.

He glances at her, sucking in his lip. “Is this weird for you? I feel like it’s weird.”

The corner of her mouth lifts. “It is somewhat strange, thinking about it. But then again, it’s not, you know? You two, you were always like two sides of the same coin. Something always tied you together, even when we left. Especially then. It just… makes so much sense that you would end up together.”

Listening to her quietly, a warmth spreads in Mike’s stomach that he distantly recognizes as happiness. It’s true, the picture she’s painting, but hearing it spelled out like this… it’s really nice, actually.

“I’m happy for you,” Rachel says, reaching across the table to squeeze his hand. “I can already tell this is doing you a world of good.” The corner of her mouth lifts. “Harvey seems to be a good influence on you.”

Mike huffs despite the smile playing on his lips, dropping his eyes to play with his napkin.

“Don’t give him all the credit. We’re not even really dating yet.”

“Why not? Sounds like you both want to.”

“Because… it’s too soon, I guess.”

He sounds unconvinced to his own ears, and she frowns, clearly not buying it either. “Well, I think you deserve to enjoy yourselves after what you’ve been through. It doesn’t mean you have to move in together right away. Just… spend some time together, get out of your rut. What’s the harm in that?”

Mike narrows his eyes, surprised by how deep his desire to do just that runs as soon as she conjures the images up in his mind.

It’s been three weeks since Harvey asked him to come over and they kissed. They hung out a few times since then, but work has kept them too busy to do any more. They barely even touched, trying their best to follow the plan and take it slow.

Well, maybe this is slow enough. Maybe it’s time to take things a little further.

“I don’t know if he’s ready for that,” he notes, but he isn’t sure if it’s the truth even as he says it.

Rachel lifts an eyebrow. “Don’t you?”

“I don’t know,” Mike admits. “Maybe I should… talk to him about that.”

“Maybe that’s for the best,” she agrees, and he glances at her, returning her genuine smile.

“Hey,” he says. “Thank you for being so cool about this.”

She huffs, shaking her head.

“I don’t think I’d have the right to not be cool about it anymore. But even if I did, this is… good news, as far as I’m concerned. Even if we haven’t talked much lately, I still consider you my friends. Both of you. You deserve this.”

Swallowing, Mike nods, grateful that the waitress arriving with their food saves him from having to respond.

Their conversation turns to different topics after that, some of them lighter than others – she tells him about work, about Andy’s less and less subtle stunts to save the firm from certain doom, about how she’s been looking for other jobs the past month when it became clear that it was a sinking ship and it was sinking fast.

Looks like he did the right thing in getting out of there, in more ways than one.

They laugh, too. Neither of them being in a rush, they agree to stay for dessert before they eventually part ways. It’s not goodbye just yet, since they’ll be meeting up again before she leaves, and the thought puts a smile on Mike’s face as he turns to walk home.

On a whim, he takes out his phone and shoots Harvey a quick message, turning in the direction of his apartment when he tells him that he’s home.

“Hey,” Harvey says when he opens the door, smiling. Mike itches to kiss him or at least give him a hug, but settles for a brief touch of his arm as he passes him. “How was dinner?”

“It was good, yeah. We had a really nice time.”

“Sounds great.” Harvey pauses when Mike hovers between the chairs and the sofa, not quite knowing what to do first, sit down or get it off his chest. “Are you alright?”

Mike looks up, and once he lays eyes on him, his mind is made up in an instant.

“Go on a date with me,” he blurts out.

A startled huff of laughter escapes Harvey. “What?”

“Let’s go on a date. I mean a real one. Like, catching a movie and then going somewhere nice and ridiculously upscale for dinner. Or just dinner. Or whatever the hell you’re in the mood for, just… let’s go somewhere. If you want,” he finishes lamely.

Harvey gives him a perplexed look, an amused smile spreading on his lips as he sees him fidgeting with his hand.

“I’d like to go on a date with you,” he says softly.

Mike exhales slowly. “Good. Great.”

“I don’t have any preferences, though a nice dinner somewhere does sound good to me.”

“Cool. I mean, me too. I know a few places, but I was gone for a while and I don’t think I’m caught up yet, so maybe you’re the better person to ask.”

“I’m sure we’ll find something we’re both happy with,” Harvey assures him. “What’s brought this on, then?”

Exhaling slowly, Mike sits down on the sofa, prompting him to do the same.

“Rachel, actually. We talked. About you and me, among other things, and… not only was she really cool about it, but she also encouraged me to- take the next step. I told her we weren’t ready for that yet, but then I thought… maybe we are. I mean, we don’t have to go on a trip together or, I don’t know, go down on one knee by the end of it. It’s just a date, right? And I want that. With you.”

Harvey hums, nodding. “I want it too.” Glancing at him, the corner of his mouth lifts. “You know, if one of or both of us were to go down on our knees by the end of it, that wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.”

Mike stares at him. “Oh my god. Don’t tell me this is how you flirt.”

“You don’t agree, then?”

“Now, I didn’t say that. Don’t take this- not at all. I’m very much in favor of something like that. Just not of your flirting.”

“You’ll get used to it,” Harvey assures him with a smirk, which Mike doesn’t know whether to take as a blessing or a curse, but he sure as hell won’t complain. Much.

“How about next Friday?” he suggests. “I know this weekend is reserved for Rachel, and earlier next week is looking pretty bleak with that merger. If we do this, I want to really enjoy it.”

“The dropping-on-my-knees part?” Mike asks dryly, lifting an eyebrow. “No, I get it. I wanna enjoy it too. Friday sounds good.”

“Great. I look forward to it.”

“Yeah.” Mike smiles. “Me too.”

“So, dinner with Rachel went well. I’m glad to hear it.”

“And me. I mean, I did hope that she’d react like this, but… it’s still nice to see that this is actually working. Being friends. I like it.”

“It’s a relief, isn’t it?” Harvey pinches his lips, looking ahead. “I wanna say that I’m glad to have that with Donna too, but truth be told, I don’t know if she’s going to take it this well when I tell her about us.”

It still leaves him in a mild state of disbelief that there is an _us_ they can tell people about now, but Mike puts that thought aside, scooting over until he’s close enough to grasp Harvey’s hand.

“We don’t have to make it official yet if you’d rather not. Not for a while. We’re taking it slow, right? Seeing where it leads us. Just… dating. Maybe other people don’t fit into that equation yet.”

“Rachel fits into it,” Harvey points out, smiling wryly. He laces their fingers together, his eyes lingering on their hands before he looks up with a sigh. “Look, I don’t plan on making a big announcement about seeing you anytime soon. But I don’t want to hide it either. And Donna and I need to be able to talk about this. It’s going to be a big part of my life, going forward. An essential one. I understand that it might be a strange situation, but as my friend, I expect her to accept and honor that.”

“You’re right. But you still don’t have to tell her right away. You don’t owe her any information about your personal life, especially when it makes you uncomfortable. Besides, there really isn’t much to tell yet anyway, so… take your time figuring out how you’ll break it to her.”

Lifting their hands, Mike leaves a kiss on Harvey’s knuckles on impulse, experiencing the headiest rush of validation when the corner of his mouth lifts.

“And you’re not in this on your own. We can figure it out together when the time comes.”

Harvey nods. “That sounds good,” he says softly.

And it does. It _is_ good. This whole thing, as unconventional and hard to define as it is, it’s the best thing Mike has in his life right now. Maybe ever had.

It’s different from any other relationship he’s pursued, be it sexual or romantic – he wants all those things from Harvey eventually, yes, but only when he wants them too, when the time is right. There is no rush, no end goal to achieve and get done, no boxes to tick.

It’s about cherishing whatever they have right now, for as long as it will last. Making the most of every stage. Finding their feet again, together.

They go on their date the next Friday. Harvey ends up choosing the restaurant, of course, but Mike can only make fun of him for it a little because it’s, well, perfect. Not nearly as upscale as he expected, while still making it very clear that this is special.

Also, the food is incredible. Harvey looks unbearably smug when he says as much, but there’s a glint in his eyes that tells him he’s pleased for more reasons than just the fact that he gets to gloat about making the right choice.

Well, he can be. It’s a great night, with great conversation and no traces of awkwardness, the transition from hanging out to being on a date going over smoothly, and the great food is just the cherry on top. As much as Mike enjoys it, it’s only half as good as the company he’s keeping, the knowledge that this actually _is_ a date giving everything a certain meaning, every touch and every lingering glance carrying a weight that makes his stomach prickle in the most enticing way, even without any alcohol.

Anything would have paled in comparison to that.

“We’re really doing this, huh?” Mike asks when the waiter brings them the dessert menus and Harvey suggests sharing one like a total cliché.

“What? You were the one who wanted an actual date,” Harvey remarks. “Well, there you go.”

“There I go,” Mike agrees, grinning. “Not that I’m complaining, mind you. It’ll just take some getting used to, this weirdly romantic side of you, which, by the way, really is terrible at flirting.”

“You said you weren’t complaining, and yet here you are.”

“If I have to live with your obnoxious flirting, you have to live with my complaining. Fair’s fair.”

Harvey lets out an exaggerated sigh. “If I must.”

“I do like it,” Mike adds, more serious now. “Your romantic side. It’s definitely unfamiliar, but… kind of charming.”

“Kind of,” Harvey repeats, unimpressed. “You’re too flattering.”

“Yeah, well. Deal with it, Mr. Romantic.”

And he’s evidently inclined to do so. After pointedly ordering one dessert with two spoons (feeding him would have been too much of a good thing, apparently), insisting on paying the bill (Mike will let him get away with it this time), and even helping him into his jacket despite the fond roll of his eyes he gets in return, he holds the door open for him and puts a hand on his back, tilting his head in silent question. Mike just smiles and nods, letting him lead the way.

They’re near Harvey’s apartment, close enough to walk there, and he has to head in the same direction anyway, whether he goes home with him or to his own place.

They don’t talk about it on the way, but he figures they’ll get to that soon enough. He knows what he would prefer at any rate, but this isn’t about him. Harvey sets the pace, he promised him that, and this time he’s going to keep his word.

Sure enough, when they reach his building, Harvey stops before the entrance and turns to him.

“I’d ask you to come up for a drink, but…”

“I won’t hold it against you that you don’t,” Mike finishes.

Regarding him, Harvey lifts his shoulders and says, “I think we can skip that part anyway. If you’re amenable.”

Despite the rush his words give him, Mike lifts his chin and smirks at him.

“Oh, I see. This is the part where, what was it? One or both of us go down on their knees.”

Harvey gives him a dry look. “If you insist on being childish, I’ll retract the offer.”

Foregoing a response, Mike simply steps in to kiss him.

“Too late. No take-backsies,” he says when he pulls away, licking his lips. “Let’s go.”

Without the standard drink acting as a buffer, there isn’t really any bridge between entering the apartment and entering the bedroom, but Mike is determined not to let that stop him. Knowing now that Harvey wants to take things further too, there’s no reason not to crowd him against the wall and kiss him again as soon as the door closes behind them.

It seems to have been the right move; there’s no room for awkwardness as the mood shifts immediately, Harvey welcoming him with an encouraging sound against his lips, his arms wrapping around him to pull him closer.

At that point, Mike stops thinking about it and just goes with the flow. There’s a sliver of nervousness amidst the arousal and excitement coiling in his stomach, but he pays no mind to it, focuses only on the taste of Harvey on his lips, how his body feels against him, the prickling anticipation deep in his gut when Harvey pulls him along to the bedroom.

“I guess it worked out in my favor that you decided not to wear a tie,” he remarks as his fingers move to the buttons of Mike’s shirt, opening them swiftly. “Makes this part a little quicker, at least.”

“Oh, so now _you’re_ complaining.”

“Not at all. I’m just saying, a guy might start feeling cheap if his date doesn’t dress up at least a little for him.”

Mike snorts. “You’re so full of shit. Get out of your clothes.”

“Patience. I’m getting you naked first to soothe my bruised ego.”

“No need for that. It’s already big enough. Let it hurt a little.”

Harvey hums.

“You wanna know what else is big enough?” he murmurs, sliding the shirt off his shoulders.

Mike lets out a disbelieving laugh. “No.”

“No, you don’t wanna know?”

“No, I want you to stop with the terrible flirting already. Now, of all times. You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Harvey mutters, running his hand down his chest slowly after dropping his shirt to the floor.

Despite his amusement, Mike’s grin falters a little at the touch. It’s fun, this, just as he expected, but all the jokes in the world wouldn’t be enough to distract him from the reverence Harvey’s hands brush his skin with as he undresses him.

It’s fun, but it’s also so much more than that.

Harvey still seems too preoccupied with his clothes to take care of his own, so Mike decides to take matters into his own hands.

There’s no rush to this, no urgency except the one he feels building inside him the more he sees of Harvey, the more he touches him, effortlessly turning their undressing into foreplay before he pulls him along and lowers himself on the bed, but it’s clear where this is headed and that it’s heading there fast. They both want this, and they’ve waited long enough for it.

It feels too damn good not to, anyway. Taking it slow is the last thing on their minds right now, and while Mike fully intends to savor this as much as he can, he gets caught up in it before long. Exploring Harvey in this way is the most alluring temptation that he simply isn’t equipped to fight, and so he doesn’t waste time trying to.

Harvey encourages him resoundingly, his own hands never staying in one place, and when Mike catches the look in his eyes after kissing a line down his chest, open and unguarded, it’s enough to make him shiver.

This is being naked in more than one way. It’s physical connection as well as a mental one, it’s so fun and completely serious, it’s the most natural thing in the world and the most outstanding one too. It’s been a long time coming for both of them, much longer than just the span of their conversation or dinner tonight, and they find their flow without even having to try.

It doesn’t come as a surprise to Mike that sex with Harvey is _really_ good, but it’s still extremely validating to see how well they harmonize. Getting to know him like this is straight-up addictive, leaving Mike wanting more the instant it’s over despite the satisfaction he feels in every part of his body, but most of all where Harvey’s is nestled against him.

Luckily, this is only the beginning.

They go on a date again the next Friday, and again the one after that when they find that it’s easily the best part of the whole week for both of them.

Time passes, and they figure it out.

They develop a routine, once a week without fail until it turns into twice, until it’s every other night even if they just go home and order in, until Mike stays over, until Harvey leaves his toothbrush out because putting it away just doesn’t pay, until there really is no denying what they’re doing here anymore.

“So I guess we’re together now,” Harvey announces one night, his arm wound around Mike’s shoulders.

He snorts. “Are you asking or just deciding? Because if you’re asking, you might wanna try again.”

“Stop pretending you’re so hard to get. You and I both know you’re a sure thing. Besides, it was more of an observation.”

Mike hums. “Well, as rude as you are, I think you’ve drawn the right conclusion. Might as well make it official.”

“I agree.” Harvey pauses briefly before adding, “I wanna talk to Donna soon. About us.”

Mike cranes his head to glance at him, lifting his eyebrows. “Oh, so you mean _official_ official. Like… publicly.”

Harvey nods. “I’m ready to do this. If you’re up for it too, that is. But I want Donna to know before we tell everyone else.”

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best,” Mike mutters. He drops his head back, staring ahead.

Harvey nudges him gently when the silence stretches. “Penny for your thoughts?”

“It’s nothing. Just… as much as I want to be open about it, I kind of liked this. Just you and me, doing our thing. I’m- this is stupid, but I’m scared that saying it out loud is going to ruin it.”

Harvey hums.

“It’s going well, isn’t it? Nothing we haven’t been able to deal with so far.” He lets out a deep breath. “I know you think it’s too good to last. Part of me does, too. And you know what? I don’t think it _will_ last. Not like this, anyway. This is still the honeymoon phase, the product of years and years of repressing our feelings. That’s not going to continue forever. At some point it’ll… take more work. But I’m willing to put that in. And I think you are, too.”

“Yeah. Absolutely.”

And hopefully, in time, these lingering doubts are going to disappear until they’re both confident in this relationship. Because that’s what this is now, what he wants it to be for the rest of their days. Something solid. Something that can endure, that _will_.

He’s still not used to the sound of that, but hey, they’ve got time. All the time in the world.

Harvey nods, inhaling like he wants to say something else, then hesitates briefly. “Speaking of putting in the work…”

He looks at him, raising a questioning eyebrow when Harvey trails off, and he lets out a deep breath. “Have you thought about therapy?”

Mike frowns.

“Of course I’ve thought about it. What are you asking?”

“If you’ve done more than think about it, I suppose.”

“No. I haven’t. Is that a problem?”

“I don’t know. Is it going to be one?”

Sitting up, Mike asks sharply, “What, we can take everything else as slow as we want, but this I have to rush?”

“I don’t mean to rush you,” Harvey states calmly, shaking his head. “In fact, I agree that you should do it in your own time, when you’re ready. But this isn’t rushing things, Mike. It’s been more than three months since we talked about this, and you’re exactly where you were back then in terms of getting the support you need.”

He scoffs. “And those three months with me have been so terrible, is that it?”

“That’s not what I’m saying and you know it. Therapy is supposed to make sure you’re in a good enough place to continue this relationship. To make you feel better about yourself. We agreed on that, remember?”

Already having opened his mouth to respond, Mike halts and swallows, deflating as he looks at Harvey, his purposefully non-threatening stance, the crease in his forehead.

All the fight leaves him at that.

“Shit, Harvey. I’m- I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. You caught me off guard. I’m sorry.”

Harvey exhales slowly. “It’s fine, but thank you. For apologizing.”

Mike huffs. “It’s not fine. Case in point, huh?” He scratches his neck, then presses his palms together, his nails digging into his skin until it hurts. “I really should get on that. I know. It’s just...”

“It takes effort,” Harvey finishes quietly. “I know. I’ve been there.”

“Yeah. But that’s no excuse, I’m aware of that. I… have to do this. And I will. I promise.”

Harvey nods. “Thank you.”

“God. Don’t thank me. This is the least I can do after everything you’ve given up for me, and even that I can’t- just, just don’t. I need to start holding myself accountable. And I need you to do the same.”

He sinks back against the cushions, staying on his side of the sofa.

“I haven’t forgotten all the sacrifices you’ve made. Not just Charlie. All the things you’ve done for me in the time we’ve known each other, I… I never forgot about them. And I appreciate that you did it, all of it. So much. Even if I don’t really understand why,” he adds, mostly to himself.

Harvey opens his mouth to respond, but Mike shakes his head, holding up a hand.

“I know how highly you think of me. That you have this image of me in your head that somehow made you put all your trust in me, that led you to believe that I can come back from this. That I always figure it out.” He takes a deep breath. “I wanna be that person. I wanna live up to that image. And I’ll do whatever it takes to get there. All your sacrifices, all the pain you’ve been through because of me, it’ll be worth it. I’ll be worth it. I’ll work hard every day to make sure you never have a reason to regret any of it.”

He gazes at Harvey, biting his lip. “I want to prove myself to you. I… feel like I need to prove that I’m serious about this, but- I don’t know how.”

Regarding him quietly, Harvey reaches for his hand and laces their fingers together.

“Just be here. Be here with me, and let me be there with you. I don’t need a grand gesture. I just need to know you’re not gonna shut me out. Everything else, we can figure out when we get to it. Together.”

He gives his hand a gentle pull, and Mike follows his lead and settles back in against his shoulder, swallowing until the lump in his throat disappears.

“Yeah, okay. I think I can do that.”

“Of course you can.” Harvey brushes his temple with his lips, then murmurs, “Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. We’ll get through this, however long it takes. We’ve got time.”

They do. All the time in the world, he reminds himself.

Maybe he’s finally ready to believe that.

*

Therapy is… interesting.

Taking the step of actually calling someone instead of just looking at names online is more of an overcoming than it should be, but Mike reminds himself of his promise, reminds himself that this is what’s best for his relationship, what’s best for himself too, and calls the damn number.

He calls a few more when he realizes that getting timely appointments isn’t as easy as he thought it would be, but eventually ends up talking to a woman with a pleasant voice that offers him one two weeks from now. He’s technically working at that time, but as long as he doesn’t have court he should be able to schedule his day around it. He did say he was going to make this a priority, and acting accordingly starts right now.

The time until his appointment feels like the shortest and longest two weeks of his life. Mike prepares himself as best as he can, meaning that he doesn’t mention to anyone where he’s going, tells himself that it’ll be fine and he can totally do this at least twice a day, and then actually follows through with it.

As it turns out, his mind has been torturing him in vain. The lingering worries about how terrible and hard and frightening this appointment was going to be are nothing like the reality of it.

They just talk. The woman he spoke to on the phone is even more pleasant in person, making him feel at ease instantly, and they just talk, all of their scheduled fifty minutes and then some. He doesn’t even notice the time passing, doesn’t even have to think about whether or not he wants to come back next week for another appointment.

If this is what it’s going to be like, then he can actually do this.

He can do this.

_Wanna meet me outside for a coffee break?_ he texts Harvey on his way back to the firm.

_Sure_ , Harvey responds. _Let me just finish this paperwork before I head out. Where?_

_No problem. Let’s meet by the hot dog cart in ten. I’ll bring the coffee. :)_

He could have told him about this inside, but it’s a nice day, and this seems a little more appropriate for a conversation like this than the office.

One cup in each hand, Mike sits down in the shade on a low wall near the cart, offering a little retreat from the passersby. Harvey approaches him a few minutes later, carrying a small bag.

“Hey. Sorry if I kept you waiting.”

“Not at all. What’ve you got there?”

“Gretchen brought some of those chocolate muffins again. I figured we might as well treat ourselves a little, if we’re taking a coffee break already.”

Mike hums. “I like the way you think.”

Exchanging one of the cups for a muffin, he breaks a little piece off and tries it before asking, “How was your morning?”

“Hm. Funny you should ask.” At Mike’s raised eyebrows, he announces, “I finally talked to Donna.”

“You did? Wow, okay. Do I wanna know how it went?”

“It was fine. She was a bit insufferable about it, actually. Kept telling me how she’s known it all along.” He shrugs. “I think she’s okay with it. She said she suspected something like this when Charlie and I broke up, so it didn’t really come as a surprise. She hopes we’ll be happy together, which is… nice. I think she’s really past it by now. At least I hope so.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad. I’m glad she took it so well.” He smiles. “That’s a weight off your shoulders, huh?”

“Yeah. Absolutely. It didn’t feel right, not talking to her about this.”

“I know.”

Harvey takes a bite of his muffin, licking the crumbs off his finger before he asks, “And how was yours?”

When Mike glances at him, he catches his eyes, the look in them unexpectedly pointed, like he knows he has something to tell him, that there’s a reason he suggested coming here other than spending a few minutes together.

Surprisingly, Mike finds that he _wants_ to tell him. He knows he should anyway, but that’s not the only reason he’s doing it. Talking about things is good. It helps.

He’s learning to remember that.

“I just had my first appointment,” he opens with, squaring his shoulders with a deep breath. “With a therapist.”

Harvey lifts his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“Yeah, I… didn’t mention it before, I know. I just didn’t want to make a big deal out of it in case it didn’t work out with this one, which is stupid in hindsight, but I just-“

“It’s fine, Mike,” he interrupts, shaking his head. “You don’t have to tell me anything more than what you’re comfortable with. Especially when it comes to therapy.”

“No, I know that. But I want to. Especially since… I’ll definitely see her again. Regularly, probably, so this is going to be a pretty big part of my life, going forward. Obviously I want you to be part of that.”

The corner of Harvey’s mouth lifts as he listens. “It went well then, I take it?”

“Oh, yeah. It was way less horrible than I thought. I mean, it was only the first appointment and we didn’t really go into anything yet, but… I know we will, eventually, and it’s fine. She’s not throwing me in at the deep end, and that’s the main thing. I don’t even know why I thought it would be so bad, to be honest, because I know how therapy works, right? I guess I just convinced myself of that because I didn’t wanna have to deal with my issues. But with her, I think I can. She was actually… nice.”

“Believe it or not, therapists aren’t actually antagonists. At least they’re not supposed to be.”

“Yeah,” Mike mutters. “What a concept, right?”

He picks a crumb off his muffin, licking his thumb clean once he’s popped it into his mouth.

“So you feel comfortable with her?”

“Yeah. Yeah, she’s really cool. Not condescending at all, not overly sympathetic, just… real. She made me feel like I could actually tell her about the crap I’ve done, and the fucked up stuff I’ve got going on, and it would be alright. You know, working through that is gonna be… challenging, and I don’t think I could do it with someone who I felt was secretly judging me.”

There’s too much shame involved in the confessions he’ll have to make, too much contempt on his own side. He doesn’t need any more from someone else.

Swallowing, he looks down, his eyes falling on the half-eaten muffin in his lap. He feels slightly queasy at the thought of eating the rest as well, his throat seeming a little too tight to even let it pass.

Mike takes a deep breath, then another one. He breaks off a piece of the muffin, contemplating it before he bites off half of it, chewing slowly, then swallows. He eats the rest, inhaling deeply, picking off another crumb. Small bites, no hurry, no pressure. There’s time.

It may take a while, but like this, he can totally do it.

He doesn’t notice the silence that’s fallen between them until Harvey shifts, his eyes never leaving him. The smile on his lips is miniscule, but it’s there and it’s genuine.

“It’s not like you killed anyone, Mike. You may have done questionable things, but you had your reasons. And you’re only human. I’m sure she’ll understand that, what with her profession and all. I’m glad you feel like you can trust her, though.”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. She’s great.” Pausing, he grimaces. “I have no idea how you ever dated your therapist, though.”

Harvey snorts, looking ahead. “Speaking of questionable things we’ve done…”

“Seriously. How did you ever… just, what happened there?”

“Honestly? I’m not sure. I certainly didn’t realize it at the time, but I guess… denial. Transference. Take your pick.”

“Transference?”

Harvey just gives him a look. “You remember Paula, right? Blonde hair, blue eyes, very smart, very mouthy…”

“Oh, my god.”

“Yeah.”

“That’s…”

“I’ll say.”

They both look ahead for a while, hanging after their own thoughts.

“This is insane,” Mike mutters. “It’s still so weird to… find out about these things. To really see how long this has been going on, and neither of us ever realized it was mutual.”

“It has taken us a while,” Harvey agrees. He glances at him, then covers his hand with his. “But we figured it out eventually, and that’s what we should focus on. We’re here now. That’s all that matters.”

“Yeah. I know.”

Mike looks at their hands, turning his palm up to intertwine them properly rather than letting go.

“I’m… scared,” he confesses, his eyes fixed on the point where they connect. “Of the future. Of not knowing if this is going to work out. Of fucking up again and losing this- this relationship because of it. Losing you.”

Harvey returns the pressure on his hand immediately, no hesitation. Not a shred of doubt.

“I know,” he just says. “That scares me too, believe me. But that’s life, isn’t it? No guarantees for anything. All you can do is consider the odds and make an educated guess.”

He exhales slowly before he continues gently, “But we’re trying, Mike. That’s all anyone can do. We’re working hard for this. We’re committed to it. We learned our lessons. It’s a good start, isn’t it?”

“It is.” Mike clears his throat when his voice comes out hoarse, nodding. “It really is.”

Harvey smiles. “There you go. And for what it’s worth, if I had to bet on anyone to make it? I’d bet on us.”

A short laugh escapes Mike, fickle but genuine. “Yeah, you would. And you know what? So would I. You’re right. We’ve come this far, against all odds. Despite… everything. Whatever comes next, it can’t be anything we’re not ready to handle.”

“Child’s play,” Harvey agrees. “And who knows? Maybe what’s ahead isn’t bad at all. Maybe we’re getting some peace and quiet, like we’ve earned it.”

Mike glances at him. “There was a time when you would have hated the sound of that.”

“With you? Never.”

He chuckles. “Yeah, alright. Sap.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t like it.”

Mike makes a noncommittal sound. “So,” he then says, looking at him. “You told Donna about us, which means we’re going public now, right?”

Harvey nods. “If you want.”

“I do. But fair warning, I also want to kiss you right now, so I’m just gonna go ahead and do that.”

“Sounds good to me.”

Humming, Mike leans in and brings their lips together. He tastes chocolate, coffee, and Harvey on him, three of his favorite things in the world, and as they kiss, he finally feels what he rationally already knew to be true; that they can do _anything_ as long as they have this.

Harvey was right. Whatever happens next? Child’s play. They’ve got each other, after all.

There is nothing in the world they can’t do.

**Author's Note:**

> English isn't my native language, feel free to point out any mistakes! If you liked it or just want to tell me something, comments are very much appreciated :)


End file.
